G. Pederson

"Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.”
--Daniel Auber

"The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles."
--Sigmund Z. Engel

"It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen."
--Brigitte Bardot
A. Inglis

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Me Mail

Two old women were sitting side-by-side in their rocking chairs when one said to the other, "I'm getting so old all my friends in Heaven are going to think I didn't make it."

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Me Mail

Black and white - An ode to times long gone, For older folks only -
(Under 40, you won't understand)
You could hardly see for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good night, David; Good night, Chet".
Depending on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night--
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fight.
Now nothing is the way it seems
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too much fight,
I wanna go back to black and white.
In God they trusted, in bed they slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be alive
In a TV town in '55.
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right
Life was better in black and white
MeMail

"I'm so worried," the elderly patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria."

"Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."
MeMail

I don't recommend getting older cause I don't think it is good for your health

I am so far over the hill that I am hanging on to keep from falling off the other side.
Signs That You're Over the Hill

ABC's OF AGING
A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time
(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my M-memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word "terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive)
so Z is for zest
For surviving the symptoms my body's deployed,
And keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!

A. Klinkenburg

Lessons As We Age

I learned that I liked my teacher because she cried when we sang "Silent Night".
Age 6
I learned our dog didn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7
I learned that when I waved to people in the country, they stopped what they were doing and waved back.
Age 9
I learned that just when I got my room the way I liked it, Mom made me clean it up again.
Age 12
I learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14
I learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15
I learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24
I learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26
I learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers follow me there.
Age 29
I learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 39
I learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
Age 42
I learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 44
I learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46
I learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47
I learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48
I learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49
I learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50
I learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 52
I learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52
I learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53
I learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58
I learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61
I learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62
I learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64
I learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65
I learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 66
I learned that it pays to believe in miracles. I've seen several.
Age 75
I learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82
I learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch: holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 85
I learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92

Could this be us?

Have you ever noticed that when you're over the hill, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become. And that's not all.

People are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time, and if you ask them to speak up, they just repeat themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face and exhausted. What do they think I am, a lip reader?

Goodness sakes, they are so much younger than they used to be when I was their age!

On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old classmate the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. REALLY NOW . . . they don't even make mirrors like they used to!

And everyone drives so fast today . . . you're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rearview mirror.

Even clothing manufacturers are becoming less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 6 dress as a 12? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom? And too, the fabric in dresses and slacks is so skimpy these days (especially around the hips and waist), that it's almost impossible to reach my shoelaces! The sizes just don't run the way they used to.

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just whom do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on ... but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy, too. They've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

From circa 1957
1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.."
(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
(6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
(8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.. They are even making electric typewriters now."
(12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
(14) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
(15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
(16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
(17) "The drive-through restaurant is convenient , but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
(18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
(20) "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.

ChargrJohn

ADVANTAGES OF BEING OVER 50

"Old" Is When...
... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!

S. Kessler

What does a blinking right hand signal mean on a car in Florida?

That the right hand signal is working!

SIGNS YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You keep repeating yourself.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and isn't breaking any laws.
You keep repeating yourself.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You keep repeating yourself.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you&63;"
You keep repeating yourself.
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You keep repeating yourself.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You are always saying "Why did I come in here?"
Feminists don't mind if you call them "Sweetie".
Looking at people when they talk so you can read their lips.
You keep repeating yourself.

REMEMBER....

When the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test or chew gum. And the banquets were in the cafeteria and we danced to a juke box later, and all the girls wore fluffy pastel gowns and the boys wore suits for the first time and we were allowed to stay out till 12 p.m.

When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car. . . to cruise, peel out, lay rubber and watch drag races, and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped dental floss or yarn coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger. And no one ever asked where the car keys were 'cause they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked. And you got in big trouble if you accidentally locked the doors at home, since no one ever had a key.

Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a...", and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game, when baseball was not a psychological group learning experience-it was a game.

Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals 'cause no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger. And...with all our progress...don't you just wish...just once...you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace...and share it with the children of the 80's and 90's ....

Remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing in cowboy land, baseball games, bowling and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. We were in fear for our lives, not because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! We survived because their love was greater than the threat.

It feels good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! And was it really that long ago?

An older woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for a scothe with two drops of water.

The bartender gives her the drink.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

Arlene Inglis

I have decided that Father Time doesn't come after everybody with a scythe. He has come to me often with a pair of tweezers - he takes a little nip here and then a little nip there and I'm sure that eventually he'll have all of me.

At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of Senior Citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,".... another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence..........
'Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes...she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

V J FEMIA

I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid........ I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. I'm very good at telling stories.....over and over and over and over... I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.... I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians........... I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired. I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like......... I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate. I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.... I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, antismoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory................ I 'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP..... I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the storeroom. I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!!

A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?" She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak." "Why are you so weak?" "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?" "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."

A old man goes to the doctor for a check up. After extensive tests the doctor tells him "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live." The man is dumbstruck. After a while he replies "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill." "Ok" says the doctor, "I'll give you a year to live."

A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

Maalox and nosedrops and needles for knittin', Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin's, Bundles of magazines tied up with string, These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses, Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, Then I remember my favorite things And then I don't feel so sad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food nor food cook'd with onions, Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'. And we won't mention our short shrunken frames When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so sad.

THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I'VE HAD AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SOOO BAD

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

--Bette Davis

An old lady has moved into my house. She usually keeps out of sight but when I pass a mirror, there she is obliterating my gorgeous face and body.
I think she is stealing money from me, I go to the ATM and withdraw $100.00 and a few days later it is gone. I don't spend money that fast.
My food is disappearing at an alarming rate, especially the good stuff like cookies, ice cream and candy. and then she's been tampering with my scale to make me think I've put on weight.
She is quite childish, likes to play games like going into my closets when I'm not home altering my clothes so that they don't fit, she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything, also fiddles with my VCR so it doesn't record what I have programmed.
She gets to the newspaper and mail before I can and blurs the print so I can't read anything, then did something to my TV and telephone volume so all I can hear is mumbles and whispers.
She has done other things, like made my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier, my knobs and faucets harder to turn.
She has made my bed higher, glues my lids on jars so it's impossible for me to open them.
She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes.
She stands in front of me in the mirror and monopolizes it, looking ridiculous in some of those outfits that look so great on me.
Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she came along with me to get my picture taken for my driver's licence and jumped in front of me before the camera clicked.
No one is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me.

Murphy (of Murphy's Law fame) Was a Midlifer

On Aging:
Everything takes longer than you think, except growing old.
Some people age prematurely; the rest of us get old right on schedule.
Beauty is skin deep, but old goes clear to the bone.
On The Empty Nest:
When you finally get your youngest child out of the house, the oldest will move back in with kids and a significant other.
When you help get this family a job and a place of their own, your Uncle Burt will come for one of his extended visits.
When Burt leaves, there will be others.
If you change the locks, they will break in.
If you move, they will find you.
The empty nest is a myth.
On the Midlife Crisis:
You will have to postpone your midlife crisis until your spouse finishes his or hers.
You will postpone it again while your children go through adolescence.
When you finally get time for a midlife crisis, you won't have the energy for it.
If you go ahead with it anyway, no one will notice.
On Life Expectancy:
Midlifers are more likely than the younger population to die from heart disease.
Midlifers are more likely than the younger population to die from cancer.
Midlifers are more likely than the younger population to die from strokes.
Midlifers are less likely than the younger population to die from a crash at the Indy 500, a fall from Mt. Everest, or a riot at a rock concert.
So go ahead; live on the edge. The odds are with you!
Final Words:
Murphy was an optimist.
Murphy was a midlifer.
Murphy wrote during midlife crisis.
-Author Unknown-

Jay Krueger

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife...jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.

Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?

Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit.

Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a control top flea collar.

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

Aging, are you?

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You buy a compass (or a GPS) for the dash of your car.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You send money to PBS.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Your back goes out more than you do.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

The truths about age
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with the elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
People send you this list.

Beautiful women
Age 3: Looks at herself and sees a Queen!
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty,Cheerleader or if she is PMS'ing: sees Fat/Pimples/UGLY (Mom I can't go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall,too straight/too curly" - but decides she's going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall,too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I am clean and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

A. Inglis

I want to go back to the time when.....................
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group (and STILL is as far as I am concerned!!)
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!!
I DOUBLE DOG DARE YA!!!!!!!!!!!!

VJF, Prince Edward County

Some Great Things About Getting Older Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00 Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. If you've never smoked you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. Your eyes won't get much worse. No one expects you to run into a burning building. You don't need the shingles with the 30 year guarantee. Someone else will have the unpleasant task of burying your pets. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. Protecting your eyes during a solar eclipse isn't as important as it used to be. Buying cheap tires and not rotating them makes economic sense. You don't have to learn the name of the new UPS man. No one thinks you're cheap because you don't buy a half a cow to freeze. You may never have to vacuum under the bed again. Taking the shortest magazine subscription is economically defensible. You don't have to bother planting perennials. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

VJF Maryland

WHEN I'M AN OLD LADY

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son, And make his life happy and filled with such fun, I want to pay back all the joy he's provided, Returning each deed. Oh, he'll be so excited .....When I'm an old lady and live with my son.

I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue; And bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, will he shout! .....When I'm an old lady and live with my son.

When he's on the phone and just out of reach, I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, he'll snap his fingers and then shake his head, And when he is done I'll hide under the bed. .....When I'm an old lady and live with my son.

When my son's wife cooks dinner and calls me to meals, I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed. I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, And when she gets angry, run fast as I'm able. ..... When I'm an old lady and live with my son.

I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click, I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick, I'll take off my socks and throw one away, And play in the mud until the end of the day. .....When I'm an old lady and live with my son.

And later, in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, And thank God in prayer and then close my eyes; And my son will look down with a smile slowly creeping, And say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping," .....When I'm an old lady and live with my son.

Paul Benoit

I'm a Senior Citizen...
- I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps...with a hammer.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
- I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

Gini Pederson

Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced he was 80 years old but that 80 is not "old."
Red explained:
"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"Old" is when the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis".
"Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
"Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
"Old" is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
"Old" is when you enjoyed the Big Band Era: Sioux, Iroquois, Apache, Crow
"Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

Age-O-Meter:
How many do you remember?
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive45;ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 Cheer up - you're still young
If you remembered 6-10 Hmmm - you're getting older
If you remembered 16-25 You're older than dirt!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light".
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!

Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

I've sure gotten old.
I've had 2 By-pass surgeries
A hip replacement
New knees
Fought prostate cancer
And diabetes
I'm half blind
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine
Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92
Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my Georgia driver's license!

Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?

"I have? A suppository?" He pulled it out and stared at it. Then said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I know where my hearing aid is."
vjfemia

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don"t have that problem; knock on wood" as she rapped her knuckles on the table. Then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

When my grandmother was in her eighties, she decided to move to Israel and went to a doctor to get all her charts and so on. He asked her how she was doing and she listed her