A Positive Attitude -- Jokes and Humor Can Help
New stimuli and a positive attitude are attributed to
"successful" aging. (It's not enough to just tick off the birthdays.)
Specific attitude issues to think about to achieve this are:
-
Atittude 1 -- Take risks in life.
-
Atittude 2 --Respect your own opinion.
-
Atittude 3 --Be flexible and adaptable.
-
Atittude 4 --Take on new challenges and learn new things.
-
Atittude 5 --Deal with pain and losses, but don't hold on to
the suffering they bring.
-
Atittude 6 --See the half full glass.
-
Atittude 7 --Take care of yourself with healthy eating and regular
exercise.
-
Atittude 8 --Don't accept societies myths as true about you.
So
Here are Lots of "Attitude" Jokes and Humor
My
Teeth In A Cup -- It's the Attitude
There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.
The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.
by Charles Lane, permission granted
by his grandson D. Lanara
Now that I'm older, here's
what I've discovered: I started out with nothing, I still have most
of it.
My wild oats have turned
to prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head
together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember
being absent minded.
All reports are in. Life
is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where
is it?
It is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the
dog, some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped
here. I sure could use a few ...
Kids in the back seat
cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world
beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
When I'm finally holding
all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet
expenses ... they're everywhere.
The only difference between
a rut and a grave is the depth.
If God wanted me to touch
my toes, he would have put them on my knees
A foursome of senior golfers
hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills
are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to
be getting longer too," wheezed a second.
"And somehow, the sand
traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third.
Hearing just about enough
from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87 piped
up "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the
grass!"
vincent
j femia
BEST
BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN THIS WEEKEND -- All
about the Attitude
This
Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits that he's
lost?
Random Thoughts and Middle
Age Wisdom -- Attitude Shaping
1. I am in shape. Round's
a shape.
2. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
3. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
4. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She is 97 today and we don't know where
she is.
Hugh Cowan
BE A KID AGAIN...Some more Attitude
- Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.
- Dot all your "i"'s with smiley faces.
- Grow a milk mustache.
" Smile back at the man in the moon.
- Read the funnies--throw the rest of the paper away.
- Dunk your cookies.
- Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along.
- Order with eyes that are bigger than your stomach.
- Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though you
wanted both of them for yourself.
- Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.
- Change into some play clothes.
- Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich.
- Have a staring contest with your cat. - Eat ice cream for breakfast.
- Kiss a frog, just in case.
- Blow the wrapper off a straw.
- Refuse to eat crusts.
- Make a face the next time somebody tells you "no".
- Watch TV in your pajamas.
- Ask "Why?" a lot
- Have someone read you a story.
- Eat dessert first.
- Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don't
match.
- Sneak some frosting off a cake.
- Refuse to back down in a "did vs. did-not argument".
- Get someone to buy you something you don't really need.
- Hide your vegetables under your napkin.
- Stay up past your bedtime.
- Whatever you're doing, stop once in a while for recess.
- Wear red gym shoes.
- Make a "slurpy" sound with your straw when you get to the bottom
of a milkshake.
- Play a song you like really loud, over and over.
- Let the string all the way out on your kite.
- Make cool screeching noises every time you turn a corner.
- Fuss a little, then take a nap.
- Take a running jump over a big puddle.
- Giggle a lot for no real reason.
After dying in a car crash,
three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the
same question: "When you are in your casket, and friends and family
are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about
you?"
The first guy immediately
responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great
doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I
would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher
who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow".
The last guy thinks a
minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
Chuck
Brock
Finally, the woman saw
someone, who was loaded with packages, heading for a car. She patiently
followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled
out. Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped
in to the space ahead of her. She was dumbfounded and outraged.
Then the women jumped
out of her car shouting, "How could you do that? Didn't you see me
waiting there with my signal on?"
He replied, "That's what
happens when you're young and fast." As the young man was about to
enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal.
He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes
and smashed it right into his beautiful black Porsche.
He ran back and cried,
ŎHow could you do that?"
She smiled and said, "That's
what happens when you're old and rich!"
How did it hapern?" the doctor asked
the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago
..."
"Never mind the past.
Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...
25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night,
right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came
into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said
"No, everything is fine""
"Are you sure?", she asked.
"I'm sure", I said.
"Isn't there anything
I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied...
"Excuse me," said the
doctor. " What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this
morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant,
I fell off the roof!"
Vince Femia
Maryland
Seniors are the Nations
leading carriers of Aids! It is just Attitude!
Hearing Aids
Band Aids
Rolaids
Walking Aids
Medical Aids
Government Aids
But most of all Monetary Aid to their children.
Beverly Berger
Solana Beach, CA
When does a proper lady
say the word "bitch"? When the woman next to her calls "bingo"!
Gary Gramling
San Diego, CA
A journalist assigned
to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing
Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man
praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down to the wall, and
introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come
every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are
you praying for?"
The old man replies,
"I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning
I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I
go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication
of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is
amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for
25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man replies,
calmly, . . . "Like I'm talking to a wall."
Fay
Zachary
Scottsdale, AZ
A man takes the day
off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole
when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing
of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron" The
man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other
club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from
the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies
"Ribbit lucky frog."
The man decides to
take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?"
the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood." The
guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled
and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed
the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where
to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
Thefrog says, "Ribbit
Roulette."
Upon approaching the
roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies,
"Ribbit $3000 black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one
shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the
heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay
you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss,
the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your
honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
David received a parrot
for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude
and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those
that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to
change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words,
playing soft music, and doing anything he could think of to try
and set a good exmple. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and
the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got angry and
more rude.
Finally, in a moment
of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few
moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming.
Then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might
have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly
stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that
I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask
your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
David was astounded
at the bird's change in attitude and was just about to ask what
had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued: "May
I ask what the chicken did?"
|
