The trees are whistling for the
dogs.
Upon entering the little country
store, a stranger noticed a sign saying, "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!"
posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound
dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the elderly store manager,
"Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but
be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to
me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied,
"before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead giveaway).
Senior citizens are constantly
being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern
world, real or imaginary. We take responsibility for all we have
done and do not blame others. BUT, upon reflection, we would like
to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The religion out of school,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending, or
The ambition out of achievement,
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and
tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!
Remember.......Inside every older person is a younger person wondering
what happened!
Roberthenkel
And God populated the earth with
broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables
of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the
99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want
fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained
pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts
and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And
woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded
cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained
pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive
oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its
own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went
through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose
those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would
not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And
Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in
fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour
cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled
in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."And Man went
into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.....
And Satan created HMOs..
A pious man, who had reached the
age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old
fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the
Minister went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so
the Minister asked, "How come after all these years we don't see
you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice.
"I'll tell you, Minister," he whispered. "When I got to be 90,
I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then
100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've
forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
meMail
A little Jewish grandmother gets
on a crowded bus and discovers that she doesn't have correct change
for the fare. The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places
her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you know what
I had, you'd be nicer to me." He caves in and lets her ride for
free.
She tries to push her way down
the crowded aisle, but people won't move over for her. She finally
places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you
know what I had, you'd be nicer to me." The crowd parts like the
Red Sea and lets her down the aisle.
She gets to the back of the bus
where there are no seats and looks significantly at several people,
none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their seat.
Once again she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs,
"If you know what I had, you'd be nicer to me." Several people
jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in comfort.
A woman who had been watching
all this leaned over and said to her, "I know this is none of
my business, but just what is it that you've got, anyway?"
The little Jewish grandmother
smiled and said, "I've got chutzpah."
If you don't know, "chutzpah" is "lots of nerve"
The wise old Mother Superior was
dying. The nuns gathered around her bed. She asked for a little
warm milk to sip, so a nun went to the kitchen to warm some milk.
Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the
warm milk.
Mother drank a little, then a
little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole
glass down to the last drop. "Mother, Mother" the nuns cried,
"Give us some wisdom before you die!"
She raised herself up in bed with
a pious look on her face, and pointing out the window she said,
"Don't sell that cow!"
What's important after 10 years
One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over
ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly
not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and
closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat,
then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop
dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how
long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned
man.
With that she reaches over and
unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a
pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes
a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!!"
"And how long has it been since
you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.
Trembling the castaway replies,
"Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right
sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long
swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly
unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet
suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has
it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the guy
falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh good heavens! Don't tell me you've
got golf clubs in there too?"
A Detective Joke
Three elderly ladies are excited about their first Cubs baseball
game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the game.
The game is really exciting and they are enjoying themselves drinking
their Jack Daniel's mixed with soft drinks. Soon they realize
that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings
to go.
Using the clues given:
In what inning is the game?
What is the status of the game?
...
...
It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.
From the "Seven Rules of Housekeeping"
7. If dusting is really out of control, simply place a showy urn
on the coffee table and insist, 'This is where Grandma wanted
us to scatter her ashes."
In his Sunday sermon, the minister
used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon,
he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About
half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation
for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received
a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for
fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded
except one elderly gentleman in the rear.
Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't
have any," replied the old man.
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three" came the reply.
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation
how a man can live to be ninety-three and not have an enemy in
the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the
congregation, and said, "I outlived the Turkeys!"
A man goes to his lawyer and says
"I would to make a will, but I don't know how to exactly go about
it."
"Don't worry" the lawyer says. "Leave it all to me".
The man looks somewhat upset. "Well, I knew you were going to
take the biggest slice," he says, "But I'd like to leave a little
for my children, too!!"
When the husband finally died
his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that
he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when
a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You
know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him
night and day so of course I know of what he died, but I thought
it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover
rather than the big poop he always was."
An elderly couple was on a cruise
and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the
boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old
woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her,
so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three
weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform
you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled
her up to the deck and attached to her bottom was an oyster and
in it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise"
The old man faxed back: "Send
me the pearl and re-bait the Fishing trap"
A funeral service is being held
for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service,
the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally
bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan!
They open the casket and find
that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years,
and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end
of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As
they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,
"Watch that wall."
A couple had been married for
40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the
celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been
such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each
one wish.
Being the faithful, loving spouse
for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for her and her
husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for
them to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and boom!
She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn
and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all
he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. He paused for
a moment, then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman
30 years younger than I."
The fairy picked up her wand and
boom! He was 90............
Don't you love fairy godmothers!
Rufus & Clarence
There were two old geezers living
in the backwoods of the Ozarks.... Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other.
Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down
to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout.
"You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim.... er I'd swim
this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler
back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim...
or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"
This happened every morning for
twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and
built a bridge. Still, every morning of every day for another
five years this yelling across the river went on, even with the
bridge.
Finally....Mrs.Rufus had had enough.
"Rufus! I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 years you've been
threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge......have
at it."
Rufus thought for a minute. Chewed
his bottom lip for another minute. "Woman!" he declared, snapping
his suspenders into place, "I'm gonin' across that thar bridge
and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!" He walked out the door,
down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped
up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked
up.....turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed
the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove, panting
and gasping, under the bed.
"Rufus!" cried the Missus. "I
thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the Missus. "What
in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken
Rufus, "I went to the bridge...... I stepped up on the bridge.....
walked halfway over the bridge.... looked up....."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless
with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw
a sign that said, 'Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches'. He ain't never
looked that big from this side of the river!!!!!!!"
A man visits his aunt in the nursing
home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down
in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches
on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up,
and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire
bowl. "I'm so sorry, Auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt
replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for
them anyway."
Two elderly gentlemen are out
in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He
does not seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in
his head.
The other man whips out his cell
phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead!
What can I do."
The operator, in a calm and soothing
voice, says, "Alright, take it easy, I can help. First, let's
make sure he's dead".
There is silence, and then a gun
shot is heard.
The hunter comes back on the line.
"OK, now what??"
At last, all life (including Second
Life) is explained!
On the very first day, God created
the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow,
you must go to the field with the farmer and work all day long.
You will work all day under the sun and help provide for the farmer’s
family! I will give you a life span of 50 years."
The cow objected. "What? This kind of tough life you want me to
live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the last 30 years
I'll give back to you."
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "What
you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house.
Any people that come by, or in, you will have to bark at them!
I'll give you a life span of 20 years!"
The dog objected. "What? All day long I have to sit by the door?
No way! Let me live for only 10 years. I give you back my other
10 years of life!"
So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey,
"A monkey has to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh
and do monkey tricks. And I'll give you a 20-year life span."
The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and
tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give back
to you."
So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job
is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life.
All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. For this kind of
life, I'll give you a 20 year-life span."
The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do
nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20
years? No way, man! Why don't we make a deal? Since Cow gave you
back 30 years, Dog gave you back 10 years, and Monkey gave you
back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span
70 years, right?"
So God agreed.
AND THAT IS WHY in our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy
the best, and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work
all day long, suffer, and get to support the family. For the next
10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces
and doing monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at
home, sit in front of the door, and bark at people.
Gordon Burkett... looking to
find the originator
And now, this development just
in. United Airlines management today removed a 96 year old lady
from a flight about to depart. They learned that she had two plastic
knitting needles in her handbag and feared that during the flight,
she would make another Afghan.
A couple made a deal that whoever
died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
The biggest fear was that there was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband
was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.
"Mary...Mary...."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning,
I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in the sun,
then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all
afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next
day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in
heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in
Kansas."
A recently retired rich couple
from New York City, now living in Boca Raton, were getting ready
to go out to dinner. The wife came out of the bedroom and said,
"Darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel one?"
"Do I care?" he replied.
The bedroom door closed and later
she came out and said to her husband, "Shall I wear my Cartier
watch or my Rolex?"
Who gives a darn?" he said.
Then she came out of the bedroom
and said to her husband, "Darling, shall I wear my 5-carat pear
diamond baquettes?"
"Hey, I really don't care, but
if you don't get your act together, and soon, we are going to
miss the early bird special!
In Flordia one of the biggest
plagues afflicting the Seniors' Sunshine State are hordes of visiting
relitives. One man found a way to solve the problem once and for
all. He borrows money from his rich relitives and lends it to
his poor relitives and now, none of them come around.
Update on Milton's "Paradise Lost"
?
IN THE BEGINNING
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the
Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face
of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God
said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed,
and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness,
and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over
the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth,
and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And
so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he
them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were
lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the
99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want
fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super-size them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said,"Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive
oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its
own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through
the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those
extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would
not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought
forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep- fat fried them. And he created sour
cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled
in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMO's.
I'm old enough to remember the
liberation that came with hiring a gardener, a cleaning woman
and a babysitter when my children were little so I could get out
of the house.
And old enough to now need to hire a homecare service to cook,
clean, do laundry, shopping and drive, and a maintenance service
for home repairs, so that I can choose to stay in my home.
An elderly lady did her shopping
and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of
leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew
her handgun and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her
voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the
car, you scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and
ran like mad. Whereupon, the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded
to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into
the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, to no avail. And then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five
spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in
two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a
mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses,
curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
A man lay upstairs, on his death
bed, barely alive. From downstairs in the house wafted up the
scent of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Using his last ounce
of strength, he hauled himself upright, staggered out to the hall
and painfully inched his way, one stair at a time, down stairs.
He crept along slowly, balancing himself by clutching the wall,
until finally he reached the kitchen. Sure enough, cooling on
the kitchen table, he saw the wonderful cookies. He stretched
out his hand to grasp one, when suddenly his hand was smacked
by his wife, standing behind him.
"Stay out of those," she yelled.
"They're for the funeral."
Dolly decided that her husband
George was not paying enough atttetion to her. She thought she
would do something different to get his attention. So she went
out and got a superman constume. She put it on and hid in the
bedroom closer.
When George came home he went to the bedroom to change. Dolly
jumped out of the closet yealling "Superwomen!"
George looked at her and in an unconcerned voice said, "I think
I will have the soup".
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with
her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women
walking single file.
Curiosity got the better of the woman, and she respectfully approached
the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss,
and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen
a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The Woman in the funeral procession
replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband."
What happened to him?"
The Woman replied, "My dog attacked
and killed him."
"Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The Woman answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment
of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
A dinner speaker was in such a
hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down
at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten
his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled
out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."
The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair.
Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner
meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man who had helped
him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office?
I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
vjfem
Growing bolder still, Grandma
said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married,
you' kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his
rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey,
where are you going?
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
A man goes to the doctor and is
told that he has only 90 days to live. He asks the doctor what
should he do these last three months and the doctor says that
he should marry a Jewish woman.
"Why should I marry a Jewish
woman if I have only ninety days left on this earth."
"Because it will seem like ten
years".
![]()
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear
Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house,
and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner. Love, John"
Several days later, John received
a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying
that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do
not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping
in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love,
Mom"
A cardiac patient named Fred Made
a limerick up in his head. But before he had time To write down
the last line...
An 80 year-old man went to his
doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample
tomorrow." The next day the 80 year-old man reappeared at the
doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty
as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened
and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand,
but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with
her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and
still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried
with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor exclaimed, "You asked your neighbor?!"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn"t
get the darn jar opened!"
Jay
Krueger
Dear Friends:
It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection
and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins,
Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt
Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who
"who knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was
filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart
cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite
being a little flaky at times even as a crusty old man he was
considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought he’d rise once again, but
he was not tart.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have
two children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
Mike
Mahoney
The bishop had been ill for some
time but it was only a matter of being old. He was dying, he knew
and he accepted it gracefully. He reasoned that he had had a good
life. He was 96 years old, and now he looked forward to his release
from earth with equanimity. So it was not a surprise to his nurse
one morning when he quietly told her that God was calling and
he would soon be gone. She nodded her head knowingly and gently
held his hand. Then, speaking just above a whisper as his voice
began to fail, he asked her to call his lawyer and his doctor
to his bedside.
When they arrived the bishop weakly
motioned for them to sit on either side of the bed. He held their
hands, sighed contentedly and, releasing his grip, closed his
eyes in satisfaction. The two visitors sat quietly, touched and
flattered by the old bishop's last request. But they were also
puzzled and they shared their puzzlement with hand and facial
expressions. Finally, the lawyer gentled touched the bishop's
hand and asked the dying man why he and the doctor were there.
The bishop smiled softly and whispered.
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's the way I want to
go."
vincent
femia
An artist asked the gallery owner
if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at
that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good
news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered
if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told
him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!"
the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The man was your doctor."
Vince
Femia
An elderly woman from the deepest,
most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office
to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is
written.
The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50
cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,let
it read, 'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the
editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."
Only a little flustered, she thinks
things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,
'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pickup for sale'."
arnold
l. klinkenberg
San Diego
Money can't buy happiness, but
it makes your misery enjoyable.
76
year old Anonymous
An elderly man received a call
from the United Way. "Based upon our research of your financial
standings, you are a very wealthy man, yet you have never donated
anything to the United Way. We were calling to ask if at this
time you would consider a donation to help our cause?"
The elderly, very wealthy man responded,
"And in your research into my financial affairs did you learn
that I have a daughter who is severely retarded and unable to
take care of herself?"
"No we did not learn about that,"
was the reply.
"And did your research reveal that
I have a brother who was shot years ago and is a quadriplegic?"
"Oh, dear, no we did not learn
that," was the reply.
"And my father has Alzheimer's
and has been institutionalized for 10 years?"
"No, I'm sorry, but our research
did not show that either."
"Well, if I don't give any money
to them, what made you think I would give money to the United
Way?"
Stan
Berger
Heard a good one lately?
Back to My Aging Funny Bone
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to Understanding Aging.
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