HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
Roger Gresse, an elderly man, from Zanesville, OH, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed. Roger opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."
Then the police dispatcher said. "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
Roger said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Gresse residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to Roger, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
Roger said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
OH, FOR A PARKING SPOT
Clive was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey. "Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Clive looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord. I found one."
BK, Tarrytown, NY
The population of this country is 237
One hundred and four million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
Two million eight-huundred thousand are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
A little old lady was selling seashells on a street corner. One day a well-dressed man passed by her, and she grabbed his arm. "How about some nice seashells?" she asked.
"No, thank you," the man replied. Suddenly the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement.
"What's wrong?" asked the man. "I think this might be it for me," the old woman wheezed. "Please buy some of my seashells."
Deeply touched, the man handed over enough money for all the shells just before her eyes slid peacefully shut. The next day the man was walking down the street and saw the woman again vending her seashells.
"Hey," he yelled to a police officer. "I thought she passed away yesterday."
The officer smiled knowingly. "Ah, but you were conned," the policeman
replied. "You see, she sells seashells by the seizure".
Charles Puchta, Aging America Resources
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat grilled steaks and/or BBQ ribs? I said, "No, I've heard that "red meats" aren't very healthy!"
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sex?"
"No,"I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me slowly, hesitated for a moment, then said, Then why in the heck do you want to live to be 80?"
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, red wine in the other, body thoroughly used, totally worn out and screaming -- "WOO HOO, what a ride!"
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me .. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911 and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
I just came across this exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks. Then 50-LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks but be careful.
Question: If you could live forever,
would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
of your life."
--Brooke Shields, during an interview
to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God
bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman, already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Many years ago a farmer couple gave birth to a son. They named him "Odd". When Odd began going to school all of his classmates teased him because of his name. He finally graduated school and got a factory job and once again all of his co-workers would poke fun at his name. Finally, he got married and lived and worked a farm, since he could not take being around people teasing him about his name.
When he became 50 years old, he told his wife that he was fed up from going through life with his name. He told her when he died that would end it. No one would ever make fun of him again. He requested that his wife not put his name on his headstone, only the date he was born and the date he died. About 20 years later the poor farmer died.
His wife wanted to honor his wishes and purchased his headstone with no name engraved; just the date he was born and the date he died.
Today when mourners visit the cemetary they walk by and look at his headstone and see there is no name on the headstone and they always say, "Isn't that Odd?".
"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. " Erma Bombeck
"Never accept a drink from a urologist" Erma Bombeck Beth
I have found inner peace; here's how you can, too.
I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish everything you start. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolate candy.
I feel better already.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat &drink what you like.
It's speaking English that kills you.
During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.
After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.
"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment,"
Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife, Sarah, that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Morris asks Sarah to make love.
Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, Morris goes to his wife and says, "I have only eight hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
"Of course," Sarah agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only six hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns until he's down to four hours. He taps Sarah, and says, "Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point Sarah becomes very annoyed. "Listen, Morris," she says,"enough
is enough! I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming
-- "WOW -- What a Ride!
Long ago when men cursed and beat
the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf
There will be no nursing home in my future.........
When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.
P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.
Another version of the same concept!
I thought I would reassure you that after retirement there are ways to cut corners and survive. With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $200, there is a better way when we get old & feeble.
I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65...that leaves $135 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner. There may be a bit of a wait to get a first floor room, but that's OK, it takes months to get into decent nursing homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus. For a change of lunch take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafe's there. The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, pick one of those attorneys you see on TV and sue. What more can you ask for?
As a bonus, most of the motels give AARP and other Senior discounts.
When I reach the Golden age, help me keep my grin
Just check me into the nearest Holiday Inn!
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening at a church service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "STOP! ACTS 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of the lord, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell at scripture to you."
"SCRIPTURE?!" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and TWO 38's!"
I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND CONTROL YOU...
I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU
GRUNT AND GROAN...
I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...
I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE
RELIEVED WHEN I LEAVE YOU....AND YOU WILL BE WEAK
ALL MY LOVE,
Get your mind out of the gutter
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all
ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes,
it would go something like this:
The fifth would pay $1:
The sixth would pay $3;
The seventh $7;
The eighth $12;
The ninth $18.
The tenth man -- the richest -- would pay $59.
That's what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement-until one day, the owner threw them a curve.
"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal ! by $20."
So now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.
So the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six - the paying customers?
How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share?"
The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would end up being *paid* to eat their meal.
So the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so the fifth man paid nothing.
The sixth pitched in $2.
The seventh paid $5.
The eighth paid $9.
The ninth paid $12.
Leaving the tenth man with a bill of $52 instead of his earlier $59.
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free.
But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth. "But he got $7!".
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got seven times more than I!"
"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $7 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"
The nine men surrounded the tenth
and beat him up.
JoAnn K. origin Anonymous
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said,
"Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and i can't even hold a pen"
"Certainly sir,' said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked,
"Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow thought about it for
a moment and said, at the end could you just put, 'PS Please excuse
the sloppy hand-writing.'"
The personnel office received an email
requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and
sex. The personnel office sent this reply - "Attached is a list of
our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age and sex. However,
we have a few alcoholics."
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.
Forest responds, "It sure is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test isn't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forest,
but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter ''T?" Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Twelve." Said Forest
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure" Forest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name "Andy" as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forest replied. "I learnt it from the song..."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said, "Run Forest, run".
It used to be only death and taxes
were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
Two young boys were spending Christmas
eve at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two knelt beside their
beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the
top of his lungs.
'I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR...'
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, 'Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf.'
To which the little brother replied,
'No, but Gramma is!'
Goldberg and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. The three kids, all very successful careerists, but not as attentive as the parents would have liked, agreed to a Sunday dinner at the old folks house. Of course, they were all late, as usual, and the excuses flowed like wine.
"Happy Anniversary, Dad!" gushed son # 1..."I'm sorry I'm running late...had an emergency at the hospital, you know how it is and I didn't have time to stop to get you guys a present!"
"Not to worry!" said the old man..."The important thing is, we're together!"
Son #2 came rushing in. "POPS! you're lookin' good! And MOM! you're still beautiful, love! I just got in from L.A. where I closed a big deal! Came straight from the airport, and didn't have time to buy you a gift...I'm so sorry!"
"It's nothing," said Goldberg...we're together, that's the main thing!"
Daughter: "Mom, Dad, the firm is shipping me to Europe for a conference....I gotta run as soon as din-din's over...didn't have time for a shopping trip!"
Goldberg sighed, "I don't care, we just like being together!"
Halfway through the meal, Goldberg, in a reflective mood, said.."Listen,you three...something's been on my mind, and I want to tell you about it.....your Momma and I...well, we came to this country during the war, penniless, desperate... and in the struggle to survive, I'm afraid we never got around to getting married.... we just knew we loved each other, and after a few years, it didn't seem important, so...."
The three offspring, with a collective gasp, said, "DAD! You mean...you mean to say...we're...BASTARDS?"
"YEAH, and CHEAP ones at that!" retorted
the old man.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
I got the bill for my surgery. Now
I know why those doctors were wearing masks.
James H. Boren, Joke of the Day
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher:
They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radioed in. "Disregard. She got in the backseat by mistake."
• You know you are in FLORIDA during the summertime when:
• The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
• Hot water now comes out of both taps.
• You can make sun tea instantly.
• You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
• The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
• You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
• You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
• You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
• You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
• Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
• You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
• The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
• The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.
• Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
• The cows are giving evaporated milk.
• The trees are whistling for the dogs.
Upon entering the little country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying, "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the elderly store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead giveaway).
Senior citizens are constantly
being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern
world, real or imaginary. We take responsibility for all we have
done and do not blame others. BUT, upon reflection, we would like
to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The religion out of school,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending, or
The ambition out of achievement,
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!
Remember.......Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened!
And God populated the earth with
broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables
of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.....
And Satan created HMOs..
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Minister went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Minister asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice.
"I'll tell you, Minister," he whispered. "When I got to be 90,
I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then
100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've
forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
A little Jewish grandmother gets on a crowded bus and discovers that she doesn't have correct change for the fare. The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you know what I had, you'd be nicer to me." He caves in and lets her ride for free.
She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle, but people won't move over for her. She finally places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you know what I had, you'd be nicer to me." The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle.
She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their seat. Once again she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you know what I had, you'd be nicer to me." Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in comfort.
A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her, "I know this is none of my business, but just what is it that you've got, anyway?"
The little Jewish grandmother
smiled and said, "I've got chutzpah."
If you don't know, "chutzpah" is "lots of nerve"
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed. She asked for a little warm milk to sip, so a nun went to the kitchen to warm some milk. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face, and pointing out the window she said, "Don't sell that cow!"
What's important after 10 years
One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.
Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh good heavens! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"
A Detective Joke
Three elderly ladies are excited about their first Cubs baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the game.
The game is really exciting and they are enjoying themselves drinking their Jack Daniel's mixed with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Using the clues given:
In what inning is the game?
What is the status of the game?
It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.
From the "Seven Rules of Housekeeping"
7. If dusting is really out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist, 'This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
In his Sunday sermon, the minister
used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon,
he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About
half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation
for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received
a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for
fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded
except one elderly gentleman in the rear.
Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," replied the old man.
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three" came the reply.
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, and said, "I outlived the Turkeys!"
A man goes to his lawyer and says
"I would to make a will, but I don't know how to exactly go about
"Don't worry" the lawyer says. "Leave it all to me".
The man looks somewhat upset. "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice," he says, "But I'd like to leave a little for my children, too!!"
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know of what he died, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big poop he always was."
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her bottom was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise"
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the Fishing trap"
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan!
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall."
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.
Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for her and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than I."
The fairy picked up her wand and
boom! He was 90............
Don't you love fairy godmothers!
Rufus & Clarence
There were two old geezers living
in the backwoods of the Ozarks.... Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim.... er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim... or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and built a bridge. Still, every morning of every day for another five years this yelling across the river went on, even with the bridge.
Finally....Mrs.Rufus had had enough. "Rufus! I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge......have at it."
Rufus thought for a minute. Chewed his bottom lip for another minute. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonin' across that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!" He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up.....turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove, panting and gasping, under the bed.
"Rufus!" cried the Missus. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the Missus. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the bridge...... I stepped up on the bridge..... walked halfway over the bridge.... looked up....."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw
a sign that said, 'Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches'. He ain't never
looked that big from this side of the river!!!!!!!"
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, Auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
Two elderly gentlemen are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He does not seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other man whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do."
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead".
There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.
The hunter comes back on the line.
"OK, now what??"
At last, all life (including Second Life) is explained!
On the very first day, God created
the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow,
you must go to the field with the farmer and work all day long.
You will work all day under the sun and help provide for the farmer’s
family! I will give you a life span of 50 years."
The cow objected. "What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the last 30 years I'll give back to you."
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come by, or in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give you a life span of 20 years!"
The dog objected. "What? All day long I have to sit by the door? No way! Let me live for only 10 years. I give you back my other 10 years of life!"
So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "A monkey has to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. And I'll give you a 20-year life span."
The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give back to you."
So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. For this kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year-life span."
The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man! Why don't we make a deal? Since Cow gave you back 30 years, Dog gave you back 10 years, and Monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?"
So God agreed.
AND THAT IS WHY in our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best, and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer, and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and doing monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in front of the door, and bark at people.
Gordon Burkett... looking to
find the originator
And now, this development just in. United Airlines management today removed a 96 year old lady from a flight about to depart. They learned that she had two plastic knitting needles in her handbag and feared that during the flight, she would make another Afghan.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. The biggest fear was that there was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
A recently retired rich couple from New York City, now living in Boca Raton, were getting ready to go out to dinner. The wife came out of the bedroom and said, "Darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel one?"
"Do I care?" he replied.
The bedroom door closed and later she came out and said to her husband, "Shall I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"
Who gives a darn?" he said.
Then she came out of the bedroom and said to her husband, "Darling, shall I wear my 5-carat pear diamond baquettes?"
"Hey, I really don't care, but
if you don't get your act together, and soon, we are going to
miss the early bird special!
In Flordia one of the biggest
plagues afflicting the Seniors' Sunshine State are hordes of visiting
relitives. One man found a way to solve the problem once and for
all. He borrows money from his rich relitives and lends it to
his poor relitives and now, none of them come around.
Update on Milton's "Paradise Lost"
IN THE BEGINNING
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super-size them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said,"Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep- fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMO's.
I'm old enough to remember the
liberation that came with hiring a gardener, a cleaning woman
and a babysitter when my children were little so I could get out
of the house.
And old enough to now need to hire a homecare service to cook, clean, do laundry, shopping and drive, and a maintenance service for home repairs, so that I can choose to stay in my home.
An elderly lady did her shopping
and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of
leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew
her handgun and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her
voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the
car, you scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad. Whereupon, the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail. And then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
A man lay upstairs, on his death
bed, barely alive. From downstairs in the house wafted up the
scent of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Using his last ounce
of strength, he hauled himself upright, staggered out to the hall
and painfully inched his way, one stair at a time, down stairs.
He crept along slowly, balancing himself by clutching the wall, until finally he reached the kitchen. Sure enough, cooling on the kitchen table, he saw the wonderful cookies. He stretched out his hand to grasp one, when suddenly his hand was smacked by his wife, standing behind him.
"Stay out of those," she yelled.
"They're for the funeral."
Dolly decided that her husband
George was not paying enough atttetion to her. She thought she
would do something different to get his attention. So she went
out and got a superman constume. She put it on and hid in the
When George came home he went to the bedroom to change. Dolly jumped out of the closet yealling "Superwomen!"
George looked at her and in an unconcerned voice said, "I think I will have the soup".
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with
her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
Curiosity got the better of the woman, and she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The Woman in the funeral procession replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband."
What happened to him?"
The Woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
"Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The Woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
A. Inglis, NJ
A dinner speaker was in such a
hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down
at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten
his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."
The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you' kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
A man goes to the doctor and is told that he has only 90 days to live. He asks the doctor what should he do these last three months and the doctor says that he should marry a Jewish woman.
"Why should I marry a Jewish woman if I have only ninety days left on this earth."
"Because it will seem like ten years".
Leonard H Lazarus
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John"
Several days later, John received
a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying
that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do
not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping
in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love,
A cardiac patient named Fred Made a limerick up in his head. But before he had time To write down the last line...
An 80 year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 80 year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened
and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor exclaimed, "You asked your neighbor?!"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn"t get the darn jar opened!"
It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following. The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "who knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times even as a crusty old man he was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought he’d rise once again, but he was not tart.
Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
The bishop had been ill for some time but it was only a matter of being old. He was dying, he knew and he accepted it gracefully. He reasoned that he had had a good life. He was 96 years old, and now he looked forward to his release from earth with equanimity. So it was not a surprise to his nurse one morning when he quietly told her that God was calling and he would soon be gone. She nodded her head knowingly and gently held his hand. Then, speaking just above a whisper as his voice began to fail, he asked her to call his lawyer and his doctor to his bedside.
When they arrived the bishop weakly motioned for them to sit on either side of the bed. He held their hands, sighed contentedly and, releasing his grip, closed his eyes in satisfaction. The two visitors sat quietly, touched and flattered by the old bishop's last request. But they were also puzzled and they shared their puzzlement with hand and facial expressions. Finally, the lawyer gentled touched the bishop's hand and asked the dying man why he and the doctor were there.
The bishop smiled softly and whispered.
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's the way I want to
An artist asked the gallery owner
if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The man was your doctor."
An elderly woman from the deepest,
most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office
to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is
The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pickup for sale'."
Money can't buy happiness, but
it makes your misery enjoyable.
An elderly man received a call from the United Way. "Based upon our research of your financial standings, you are a very wealthy man, yet you have never donated anything to the United Way. We were calling to ask if at this time you would consider a donation to help our cause?"
The elderly, very wealthy man responded, "And in your research into my financial affairs did you learn that I have a daughter who is severely retarded and unable to take care of herself?"
"No we did not learn about that," was the reply.
"And did your research reveal that I have a brother who was shot years ago and is a quadriplegic?"
"Oh, dear, no we did not learn that," was the reply.
"And my father has Alzheimer's and has been institutionalized for 10 years?"
"No, I'm sorry, but our research did not show that either."
"Well, if I don't give any money to them, what made you think I would give money to the United Way?"