Oh My Aging Funny Bone and Gender Differences

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

paygver

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day!
So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.
Apology. Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this. Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
Don't pick up that mess!!! It's Saturday...relax and have a great day!
Don't tell me that...I shouldn't have Arachnophobia? I've enjoyed my fear so much and I also have that fear of combustibles...which is such a pleasure for me...it takes a lot of my time so I don't have to do the things I really need to do or think about anything else...
And finally my kitchen is complete, I've turned my oven into a flower pot!

anonymous

A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How in the world could you be broke already?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

The widow holds up her hand, saying, "Only three carats..." G. Schwartzman

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

When he died and was stretched out in the casket, his wife sat there in black with her friend sitting next to her. When the ceremony was finished, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, and put it iton the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

dotbop

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her bottom was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

Ira Lerner

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

Ira Lerner

An elderly couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws".

a.inglis

A man said to his wife after many years of marriage "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

His wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

bigmo

When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

bigmo

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day
... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice.

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

bigmo

FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll love my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big boobs who owns a liquor store.
Amen

10 Reasons Why God Created Eve...
The most important ones is God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp on them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

C.N.Levy

Midlife

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be.... Puhleeeeeeeze!

I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective... You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.

We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."

Roma Wittcoff

From someones grandma!

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore... I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I have my own little world, but it's OK ... they know me here.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been living together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole town gasped with amazement.

A date for the hearing was set and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an annulment.

"It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, "I've just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun."

A retiree was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $ 50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.

He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took ya so long ? You're over two hours late."

"Hey ! Give me a break." whined the retiree. "I have a 27 handicap.

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?", the woman asked.

"Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died", her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

"Which word?", her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia." sjMail

Wisdom from Grandpa

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

Judging from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past -- but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man -- he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health. And he's already used to taking orders.

Grandpappy and his wife were discussing their 50th wedding anniversary, when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonight?" "Naw," said Grandpappy. "Why blame a bird for something that happened 50 years ago."
vjfem

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby"

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself".

He thinks about it for a bit and then says "well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".

A husband and wife were having a 60th birthday party and a 40th anniversary party. While the party was in full swing, a fairy showed up. He said that he was there to grant each of them a wish.

He turned to the wife and asked what she would like to have.

She said, " I have always thought that a cruise around the world for two would be fantastic."

The fairy picked up his wand and "Presto" she held in her hand two tickets for an around-the-world cruise. The fairy then turned to the husband and asked what he would like to have.

He responded, " I have always thought it would be nice to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up his wand and "Presto" the husband turned 90.

For Sale by Owner
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything

N.Lellande

POSITION: Mom, Mama, Mother

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: For the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

A.Inglis

Gone fishin!
One Saturday morning a fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and head down the road.

Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down in a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.

He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible".

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that gale?"

Marriage is a gamble.

You start with a pair.

He shows a diamond.

She shows a heart.

Her father has a club.

His father has a spade.

There's usually a joker around somewhere, but after a while he becomes a king and she becomes a queen. Then they end up with a full house

G. Pederson

A man married 55 years to the same woman attributes their success to the agreement they made the day they were married. She would make little decisions and he would make the big ones. In 55 years there has never been a big decision.

Older women are less active than older men - must be due to men's control of the TV remote.

"Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up."Now, who is going to tell the wife?" Finkelstein looks around and asks.

They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.

Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"

Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."

I listened to Sanford and Son on a TV rerun the other day and Sanford's son told his father that he was going out and expected the father to tidy up the house before he got back. When the son returned he found Sanford resting on the sofa. He said to the son "I've been reading that medical book and I know what's wrong with me -I have menopause. The son says "Dad, only women get menopause" and the father said "Well I must have caught it off one of them".

When I was in my younger days,

I weighed a few pounds less,

I needn't hold my tummy in

to wear a belted dress.

But now that I am older,

I've set my body free;

There's comfort of elastic

Where once my waist would be.

Inventor of those high-heeled shoes

My feet have not forgiven;

I have to wear a nine now,

But used to wear a seven.

And how about those pantyhose--

They're sized by weight, you see,

So how come when I put them on

The crotch is at my knees?

I need to wear these glasses

As the print was getting smaller;

And it wasn't very long ago

I know that I was taller.

Though my hair is turning gray

and my skin no longer fits,

On the inside, I'm the same old me,

Just the outside's changed a bit.

R. Wittcoff

Why men are happier

1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can be president.
6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. The world is your urinal.
9. Same work, more pay.
10. Wrinkles add character.
11. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
12. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
13. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
14. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
15. One mood, ALL the time.
16. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
17. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
18. You can open all your own jars.
19. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
20. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
21. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
22. Everything on your face stays its original color.
23. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
24. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
25. You almost never have strap problems in public.
26. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
27. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
28. You don't have to shave below your neck.
29. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
30. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
31. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
32. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

J. Williams

Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in hight heels.

A woman is like a tea bag...you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

So many men, so few who can afford me!

Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.

Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

"Why do men never die in their sleep?" Because they can't do two things at once.

Judith Tizard(sic?)NZ Parliament, Nov 23, 2002, Wellington NZ

I love being married... I was single for a long time and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.
- Brian Kiley

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.
-- Milton Berle

They were discussing the details with their friends. Betty wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress. Betty replied, "Silver." At that point, her husband to be chimed in, "Yep silver... to match her hair." Shooting a glaring look at Barney, Betty's friend said, "So Barney, I guess you are going barefoot."
MeMail

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

When my husband, Gene, took his beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore. When she asked, "What are the age and make of the vehicle?"

Gene replied, "It's a '65 Ford." Apologetic about its des- perate condition, he added, "It's an old fossil." Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned. "Is there a problem?" asked Gene.

"Mr. Evans, I've been in insurance a while," she explained, "but I've never heard of a Ford Fossil."
MeMail

On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly. The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was, when he finished his sentence with "..underwater."
MeMail

One Wish...
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

How wide do you want the bridge to be and how many lanes should it have?

allJean

After living in the remote wilderness of Arkansas all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the "picture", but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father so he hung it in the barn.

Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly thing he's runnin' around with."

Beverly Berger

Sisters At The Superbowl
Two elderly sisters donated $25 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to the Superbowl. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."
MeMail

Love Is....According to Children
When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca - age 8
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

Mary

From Daily Zen Moments
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

TKC

SENIOR PERSONAL ADS

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, slim, 5-4 (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1928, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Doesn't run but walks well. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,shortness of breath not a problem.

VJF

Finally NEW Barbie dolls we can relate to. Ones which coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-Muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting in Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

Andy Rooney says, "As I grow in age, I value older women most of all. Here are just a few reasons why."

An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 care what you might think about them.

An older single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "commitment." The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn't care less.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to Confess your sins to an older woman. She always knows.

An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once she gets past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Her libido's stronger, and her fear of pregnancy gone.

Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of. Young men, you have something to look forward to.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 70 there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year-old-waitress. Ladies, I apologize for all of us.

A. Klinkenburger

There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

A dietitian is addressing an audience in the Shalom Retirement Home. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

Redmeat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. And none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have eaten it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after you eat it?" In the front row 75-year-old Morris stands up and says, "Vedding cake."

jay krueger

Confession

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man : I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest : Are you sorry for your sins?

Man : What sins?

Priest : What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man : I'm Jewish

Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

Man : I'm telling everybody.

Rolinda Schneiderman

The minister announced that admission to the next church social would be $6 per person. "However, if you're over 65, the price would be only $5.50."

From the back of the church a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give out that information for ony 50 cents?"

V.J. FEMIA

My wife and I always hold hands when shopping...when I let go she shops!

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

The Joys of Womanhood
Brilliant Woman Author Unknown

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:

Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Sima Jacobson

Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think - I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. --Jan King

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. --Carrie Snow

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. --Laurie Kuslansky

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. FAT CLOTHES.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
1. OTHER WOMEN!

What I Want In A Man, Original List (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, Revised List (at age 32)
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want In A Man, Revised List (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List (at age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List (at age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

What I Want In A Man, Revised List (at age 72)
1. Breathing

vjf

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die." She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!

VJF, Maryland

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

A man received a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when he arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium.......closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!
About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here/"
The man replies "No".
"This is incredible!" Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"That's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park--the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theater to see Star Wars"-more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, -Well, dear, what was it like being ten again!" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size 10."

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation.
One child wrote the following:
"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night, Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years.

While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names".

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Marthees

I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit.

When I was a child in the 1950s the bathing costume for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure - boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a great job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure chipped from marble.

The mature woman has a choice - she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral costume with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluoro rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that a shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing costume, but as I twanged the shoulder strap into place I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared!

Eventually I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across the chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing costume fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersize cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent salesgirl popped her head through the curtains "Oh, THERE you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suits. I replied that I wasn't so sure, and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversize napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with a ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane on a bad day.

I tried a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally I found a costume that fitted. A two piece affair with shorts-style bottoms and a halter top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. When I got home I read the label which said "Material may become transparent in water", but I'm determined to wear it anyway. I just have to learn to breaststroke in the sand!

Fatboy

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, 'Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

Edward B. Farley, Jr.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Barbara B

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, so he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him.

"What in the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Move along," said the officer.

bigjim

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

Annie G

Several women appeared in Magistrate's Court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The Judge, with Solomon-like wisdom, said, "I'll hear the oldest of you first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

Vince Femia

The old guy was beginning to suspect that his old wife was getting hard of hearing so he sneaked up behind her and quietly, and said "Honey can you hear me?"
No answer.
A little louder he said, "Honey can you hear me?"
Nothing. So very loudly he says, "HONEY CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
She turns around and says, "For the third time YES".

Jeff

Grandma and Grandpa were sitting on their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther. "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you' sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you' kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.

Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

Chuck Brock

A man goes to the doctor and is told that he has only 90 days to live. He asks the doctor what should he do these last three months and the doctor says that he should marry a Jewish woman.

"Why should I marry a Jewish woman if I have only ninety days left on this earth."

"Because it will seem like ten years".

Leonard H Lazarus

An 85 year old man married a 35 year old woman. She told him she was very old fashioned and wanted them to have separate bedrooms.

He agreed.

On their honeymoon they stayed in adjoining but separate hotel rooms.

Shortly after the young woman got into bed that first night there was a knock on the adjoining door, and she called, "Come in".

He came in and made great, passionate love to her, and went back to his room when he was done.

Wow, she thought, that was great!

In half an hour there was another knock on the. She called, "Come in".

He came in and made great, passionate love, even better than before, and went back to his room when he was done.

Wow, she couldn't believe the marvelous love making her 85 year old husband was capable of. And twice in one night.

Half an hour later there was a knock on the door again. She called, "Come in". "I can't believe that you can make such great, passionate love 3 times in one night."

"Oh, have I been here before?"

BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.

EATING OUT
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Vincent Femia

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

Vincent Femia

A Woman's Dictionary

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Bar-be-que (bar*bee*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend a half hour writing, then forget to take it with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

ALLJEAN

The perfect couple

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the roadside in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the perfect answer.)

.....................

....................

The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man...

(WOMEN, END EMAIL HERE. Men, keep scrolling.)

......................

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

.......................

(By the way if you are a woman, and reading this...this brings up another point....women never listen either...)

Hilary Colbert

Three preachers were returning from a conference with their wives when their car was in a crash and they all departed from this earth. St. Peter was at the pearly gates waiting for them.

The first pastor and his wife went up and St. Peter looked in the book. He shook his head and said. "I'm sorry brother. But all your life yo' have been concentrated on money not on the Word. You hoarded money. You dreamed money. You were obsessed to the point that you married a women named Penny. Sorry, go away. We don't need your kind here."

The second pastor went up and St. Peter looked in the book. He shook his head and said, "I'm sorry brother. but all your life you have been concentrating on hard drink. You hoarded liquor. You dreamed liquor. you were obsessed to the point that you married a women named Brandy. Sorry, go away. We don't need your kind here."

At this point the third pastor looked at his wife and said, "come on Fanny, You and I may just as well get out of here."

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so G-d decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."

"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die."

"This angered me even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, push it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!"

"The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of curse I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate.

"Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.

"OK. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside this refrigerator..."

Fay Zachary

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five very old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the office replies, "You weren't speeding but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles per hour!" the old woman says, a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't uttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

Maggie Malone

An elderly man in a retirement home asked a woman living there if she could tell hem how old he was? She said yes, she could. He said no, you won't be able to guess. She insisted she could. She told him to drop his pants and turn all the way around. He did, and she said, "You're 94".

"How did you do that?" he exclaimed.

"You told me yesterday," she replied.

Gini Lyttle

An elderly lady sitting by the pool behind the clubhouse strikes up a conversation with a man she has never seen before. She talks about her life, her children her grandchildren (for quite some time). Finally she asks the man, "So, what about you?"

He says, "I have no wife or family. In fact I just got out of prison last month."

"What were you in jail for?" she asked.

"After midnight my gang and I would go rob downtown stores that we knew had cash in their vaults. I was the "wheel" man. I drove the get-away car."

"Oh," says the lady, "So you drive at night?"

Gary Kampel

And a variation on the above joke... An elderly lady sitting by the

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