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OH MY AGING FUNNY BONE...
GENERATION GASP

A feature of SENIOR RESOURCE and Understanding Aging.

OH for the GOOD OLD DAYS!

TV Shows of Days Gone Bye
Bewitched
My Friend Flicka
Captain Kangaroo
My Three Sons
CHiPs
Name That Tune
Dark Shadows
Northern Exposure
Dragnet NYPD Blue
I Dream of Jeanie Petticoat Junction
Emergency! Romper Room
Fantasy Island Room 222
Flipper Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. Star Trek
Gunsmoke The Courtship of Eddie's Father
Have Gun, Will Travel The Ed Sullivan Show
Hazel The Flintstones
Howdy Doody The Love Boat
Lost in Space The Magic Garden
M*A*S*H The Munsters
Mickey Mouse Club The Rifleman
Man from U.N.C.L.E. Wild Kingdom (Marlin Perkins)

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
  - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
  - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
  - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
  - William Faulkner (regarding Ernest Hemingway)

JB, San Diego

Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

SOME ONE-LINERS FROM VAUDEVILLE COMEDIANS

ST Newark, NJ
senior financials

Assisted Living

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LTC insurance

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair

1973: KEG
2003: EKG

1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux

1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm

1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage

1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian

1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint

1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones

1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system

1973: Disco
2003: Costco

1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test

1973: Whatever
2003: Depends

    J. Williams

The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends -- generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by. Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career.

"Well", he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You'll be 30 before you know it."

"But I'm closer to 20 than to 30", I protested. "I won't be 30 for 8 more years."

"I see", he said, smiling. "And when will you be 20 again?"
    G. Pederson

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.



Have you heard the story of the wealthy grandfather who had been experiencing hearing loss for a number of years? It got to a point that he was practically deaf. One day his doctor fitted him with a hearing aid that enabled the man to hear perfectly again. A couple of weeks later, he went back to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked how his family liked the fact he could hear again. The grandfather responded by saying that he hadn't told anyone about the hearing aid. He went on the say that he just sits around listening to everyone's conversations and that he has now changed his Will three times in the last two weeks.
    C Puchta



Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
    Me Mail



A little girl is sitting watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said, "You must have really aggravated Grandma."

MeMail



An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."



    VJF



Things my mother taught me...
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
1."If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why....."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
C. Crisci



I recently told my 9 yr old grandaughter, after she had been at my home 6 days, that she was getting on my last nerve.

She replied "How many last nerves you got,Granny"?

I just about died laughing because this was a phrase apparently I use often with her.
Vicki

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes....... That chicken was delicious."



One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said, "You must have really aggravated Grandma."



Timmy was five years old and his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school a couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

The little friend said, "Well who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said.

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."



Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
    A. Inglis



Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way. Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked. "Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies."



One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said: "You must have really aggravated Grandma."
    MeMail



An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" A girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.

His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."



An elderly man in Phoenix called his son in New York and said, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screamed.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hung up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouted, "I'll take care of this."

She called Phoenix immediately, and screamed at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hung up.

The old man hung up his phone and turned to his wife. "Okay," he said, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares.
    V Femia



My Mother Taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me"

My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father?"

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
    a.klinkenberg

MY MOTHER WAS SO WISE...
My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . . . . ....
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside--I just cleaned!'...
My mother taught me RELIGION. . . . . ...
'You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.'...
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . . . . . ...
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'...
My mother taught me LOGIC . . . . . ...
'Because I said so, that's why.'...
My mother taught me FORESIGHT . . . . . ...
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'...
My mother taught me IRONY . . . . . ...
'Keep laughing and I'll 'give' you something to cry about.'...
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . . . . . ...
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper!'...
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM . . . . . ...
'Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!'...
My mother taught me about WEATHER . . . . . ...
'It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.'...
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY . . . . . ...
'If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!!!'...
My mother taught me about ENVY . . . . . ...
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!'...
    G. Pederson


WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS CAN MAKE ! ! !

1970: Long Hair 2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: KEG 2000: EKG

1970: Acid Rock 2000: Acid Reflux

1970: Moving to California because it's cool 2000: Moving to California because it's warm

1970: Growing pot 2000: Growing pot belly

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your grandchildren

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel 2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity

1970: Paar 2000: AARP

1970: Killer weed 2000: Weed killer

1970: The Grateful Dead 2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint 2000: Getting a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones 2000: Kidney stones

1970: Peace sign 2000: Mercedes logo

1970: Take acid 2000: Take antacid

1970: Passing the driver's test 2000: Passing the vision test

1970: "Whatever" 2000: "Depends"

    J. Oppenheimer



My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . .

Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
      VJ FEMIA



While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"



As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake, Arizona. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."
      Shel K.



A 75 year old granma asked her doctor for birth control pills.

"Are you kidding?" asked the doctor."What do you want it for?"

"I want it so I can sleep like a baby."

"It's not a sleeping pill," said the doctor.

"Well, I'll tell you doctor...I have breakfast every morning with my granddaughter and when I give her the juice I put in the pill,and then I sleep like a baby....."
      vigdor


At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her aging gracefully.
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended- lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy ront,too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo(her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
    Jay Krueger


Baby Boomer's Alphabet
A is for arthritis
B is for bad back
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention) And other gastrointestinal glitches
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches
J is for joints that are failing to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K for bad knees
(I've got a few gaps in my M-memory)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-
P is for porosis
Q is for queasiness. Fatal? Just flu?
R is for reflux--one meal becomes two
S is for sleepless nights counting my fears
T is for tinnitus--bells in my ears
U is for difficulties urinary
V is for vertigo
W is worry
About what ! th! ! e X--as in X ray--will find
But though the word "terminal' rushes to mind,
I'm proud, as each
Y - year - goes by, to reveal
a reservoir of undiminished
Z - zeal---
For checking the symptoms my body's deployed,
And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.


1943 Job Standards and Rules for Hiring Women

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II - a mere 57 years ago! Obviously, the intent was not to be "funny," but by today's standards, this is hilarious!

For those of you with efficiency issues, pay attention to #8.
Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees:
There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.
Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:
1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

* 8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.


From a teacher who asked her third grade to write how they spent their spring break holiday. One child wrote about visiting his Grandparents at their Retirement Home.

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

"They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

"They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

"They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they just jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

"At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

"My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how.

"Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: 'Early Birds Dinners'.

"Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out. So, the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

"My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

"Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."


At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 80 success is having friends.
At age 90 success is not peeing in your pants.

      Arnold Klinkenberg



WHEN I'M AN OLD LADY

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son,
And make his life happy and filled with such fun,
I want to pay back all the joy he's provided,
Returning each deed. Oh, he'll be so excited
.....When I'm an old lady and live with my son.

I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue;
And bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, will he shout!
.....When I'm an old lady and live with my son.

When he's on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, he'll snap his fingers and then shake his head,
And when he is done I'll hide under the bed.
.....When I'm an old lady and live with my son.

When my son's wife cooks dinner and calls me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when she gets angry, run fast as I'm able.
..... When I'm an old lady and live with my son.

I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick,
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud until the end of the day.
.....When I'm an old lady and live with my son.

And later, in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
And thank God in prayer and then close my eyes;
And my son will look down with a smile slowly creeping,

.....When I'm an old lady and live with my son.

          Paul Benoit


Coffee in bed
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV...'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"



A hip young man buys the best car available: a 1999 Ferrari. It is the best and most expensive car in the world. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a redlight. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari. They cost about half million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 210 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Determined not to be passed, he floors it, but suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. "Ha, I'm passing him!"

Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "'Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"



A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there. They are old, so they shouldn't play hard or run. It is enough if they drive us to the market and have a lot of dimes ready. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They never say "hurry up". Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth out. Grandmothers don't have to be smart, they only have to answer questions like, "Why isn't God married?" and "'How come dogs chase cats?" When they read to us they don't skip lines or mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have a TV, because they are the only grown-ups who have time.

vincent j femia




My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home. "

and my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE
"one day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

arnold l. klinkenberg
San Diego




A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says,"Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be full when you called."

Joseph Oppenheimer
Del Mar, CA


Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen". You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests! Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday!

Vincent Femia
Maryland

While visiting my dad (who is hard of hearing and refuses to get a hearing aid) we told him he should learn to read lips since he refused to get a hearing aid. His reply to us was "Why would I want to learn to read lips, I can't see."

Sharon Teichera
Byron,CA


One night, the women in the Potato Head family were preparing dinner - Mother Potato Head and her three daughters. Midway through the preparation of the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."

"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.

"Well," replied the daughter, "I'm getting married!"

The other Potato daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?"

"I'm marrying a Russet!"

"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" said Mother Potato.

As they resumed the meal preparation, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother, I, too, have an announcement."

"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.

The middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I too am getting married!"

"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?"

"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.

"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.

"Mother? Umm... I too have an announcement to make."

"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her sisters before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"

"That's wonderful! Who are you marrying?" asked Mother Potato Head.

"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!" the youngest Potato daughter replied.

"PETER JENNINGS?" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"

A Inglis
New Jersey


Grandma offers to take teenage granddaughter to lunch on Saturday. They agree to meet at a restaurant. When granddaughter shows up she is obviously wearing no underwear. Grandma says, "Dear, you appear to have forgotten your undergarment!"

Granddaughter says," No Grandma, it is a fashion statement and I want everyone to see my rosebuds!"

A little while later Grandma excuses herself and goes to powder her nose. When she returns Granddaughter exclaims, "Grandma what happened to your underwear?"

Grandma says, "Oh I want to show off my hanging baskets!".

Abigail M. Haddock
Lacey WA


A truck driver was in line waiting to pay for his groceries at the supermarket, when an elderly lady at the front dropped her purse. Her money spilled all over the floor. She needed all of the $4.75 to pay her bill and that was all she had. The people in line all helped to pick up her money. After placing it back on the counter, it was found that there was $23.00.

Max
Senior.com

While I was visiting my son and daughter in law, I suddenly collapsed from a heart attack. When I came to, my grandson, Marco, was sitting on the floor beside me. He was rubbing my hand and Shouting Grandfather! Grandfather! I truly believe he called me back from certain death.

Later, Marco told a schoolmate in all seriousness, "Grandfather is my buddy and I thought he was dying and going to heaven, so I stayed right with him. He's too old to go anywhere alone."

Raymond


Children's Letters To G-d:

Dear G-D,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?

Jane


Daughter has fallen in love and wants to wed her suitor.

"What does he do," asked the father.

"He's a Cantor."

"Oh, I am not too happy about that. A Cantor isn't really a reliable means of earning a living. I can't give her my blessings even though he is a fine person, and you love him very much."

"But he is very talented, and will able to take care of me," pleads the daughter.

Says the father, "I don't want my daughter to marry a Cantor, and that's that."

Upon hearing her daughter's pain, mother says, "Tell you what, why don't I go hear him perform and then we can talk further."

So, the mother goes to hear the Cantor, and when she returns, the father asks. "Well, what do you think?"

Replies the mother, "Listen, you don't have to worry because I just heard him perform, and believe me, a Cantor he's not!"

K Wilkins


A young woman brings her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and G-d will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "G-d will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, G-d will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that G-d will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" and the father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm G-d."

C Fissell
San Diego


A 60 year old man was having coffee with his 70 year old friend who had just married a 25 year old. "Your wife must be great in bed", he said.

"No, not really," replied the older man.

"Then she must be a great cook and housekeeper."

"No she's not much for that, either, said the married man."

"Then why did you marry her?" "Because she drives at night."

An old woman in a retirement home was inspired to be a streaker. She ran naked through the halls. Two men sitting in the lobby, saw her streak by. One asked the other, "What was that?" The other replied, "I don't know, but they sure need to iron their clothes."

B Reigrod


PARENTS' DICTIONARY

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

SHOW OFF: a grandchild who is more talented than yours.

Gini Pedersen
San Diego, CA
Computer Teacher

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