- Wrinkles don't hurt.
- Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
- Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
- Do not sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
- The best place to be when you are sad is Grandma' s lap.
SOCIAL SECURITY SIGN-UP
After retiring, Kent went to the local office to apply for Social Security. The clerk asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry.
In lieu of his going home and coming back later, the clerk said, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opened his shirt, revealing his curly silver hair. The clerk said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.
When Kent got home, he excitedly told his wife about the experience at the Social Security office. His wife replied. "You should have taken off the rest of your clothes. From what I see, you might have gotten disability, too."
THINKING GOOD THOUGHTS
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnesses the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he's just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"
"Over by the holy water, Father. Flat on his back."
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's
have a beer."
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says: "So tell me, do I come here often?"
DEMENTIA Exercise of the brain is important. As we grow older - past
30 - it is important that we keep mentally alert. Use it or lose it
particularly applies to the brain. So here is a way to gauge your loss
or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine !
if you are "losing it" or if you are still "with it."
Relax. Clear your mind.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
If you said "toast"...then give up now and go do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said "bread"...Go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times.
Now spell "silk."
What do cows drink?
Cows drink water.
If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question.
Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat.
It may be that you need to content yourself
with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World.
If you said "water"...
Go to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red
and a blue house is made from blue bricks
and a pink house is made from pink bricks
and a black house is made from black bricks,
what is a green house made from?
Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said" green bricks,"
what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?????
If you said "glass"...
Go on to Question 4.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany.
If you will recall, Germany at the time
was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.
Anyway...during the flight, TWO of the engines fail.
The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately that engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "No man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors?
East Germany! or West Germany or in "No man's land"?
You don't...of course...bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else...you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash.
Your efforts would not be appreciated.
If you said, "Don't bury the survivors"...
Go to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far,but you are obviously out of your league.
If you messed up, Turn your pencil in and exit the room.
Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Do not use a calculator.
You are driving a bus from London to Miford Haven in Wales.
In London, seventeen people get on the bus.
In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get in.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on.
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Oh...for crying out loud!
Don't you remember?
It was YOU!!
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
New Virus: Even the most advanced
programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It
appears to mostly affect those of us who were born prior to 1960.
1. Causes you to send the same
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. .
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. .
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. .
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. .
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. .
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND"..
IT'S CALLED THE C-NILE VIRUS.
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before
the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious
is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
A SPECIAL POEM FOR SEASONED CITIZENS
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to popv Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.v Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...
Is what tells each one where to go!
Thought I'd let my doctor check me,
Back when I was a kid I was sitting on a bench outside the country store--, listening to old men brag. One old man said to the other, after braging about how well he could see, as he leaned forward, pointing, "Do you see that chigger on that old dead tree over yonder?"
The other old gent, who
had been bragging about how well he could hear, leaned forward looking
into the distance and finally turning his head sideways said, "I can't
say as I do, but I can hear him crawling."
An elderly man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room, and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the elderly man stammers, "My goodness, Doc. Exactly what's my problem?"
The doctor says, "You're
not drinking enough water."
Aging America Resource Newsletter
Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must have shrunk just sitting in his closet because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?"
"Furniture Disease is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."
Two guys were discussing their aging wives. One was quite sure his wife was going deaf. The other guy gave him a suggestion to test her hearing. "Here's what you do.
Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response".
So, that evening, she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens".
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So, he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So, he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"No response. So, he walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for supper?"
"FOR THE FIFTH TIME, CHICKEN!!"
A 94 year old woman was arrested while jogging down the street. The police thought she was an escapee from a local nursing home.
Dr. L. Rice
After examining his seventy-five year old patient, the doctor said, "You're in remarkable shape for a man your age."
"Yes, I know," said the old gentleman. "I have only one complaint. My sex drive is too high. Is there anything you can do for that, Doc?"
"Your what?!" gasped the doctor.
"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."
"Lower it?!" the doctor exclaimed, still unable to believe what the seventy- five year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"
"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."
A woman went to the doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out and ran down the hall screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"