OH MY AGING FUNNY BONE...
MmmEDICALLY TYPING?
THINKING GOOD THOUGHTS
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front
of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws
away his crutches. An altar boy witnesses the scene and runs into the
rectory to tell the priest what he's just seen. Without batting an eye,
the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me,
where is this man?"
"Over by the holy water, Father. Flat on his back."
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's
have a beer."
E. Tabb
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says: "So tell me, do I come here often?"
TEST FOR
DEMENTIA Exercise of the brain is important. As we grow older - past
30 - it is important that we keep mentally alert. Use it or lose it
particularly applies to the brain. So here is a way to gauge your loss
or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine !
if you are "losing it" or if you are still "with it."
Relax. Clear your mind.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
ANSWER:
! Bread.
If you said "toast"...then give up now and go do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said "bread"...Go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times.
Now spell "silk."
What do cows drink?
ANSWER:
Cows drink water.
If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question.
Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat.
If you said "water"...
Go to question 3.
and a blue house is made from blue bricks
and a pink house is made from pink bricks
and a black house is made from black bricks,
what is a green house made from?
ANSWER:
Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said" green bricks,"
what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?????
If you said "glass"...
Go on to Question 4.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany.
Anyway...during the flight, TWO of the engines fail.
The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately that engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "No man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors?
East Germany! or West Germany or in "No man's land"?
ANSWER:
You don't...of course...bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else...you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash.
Your efforts would not be appreciated.
If you said, "Don't bury the survivors"...
Go to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
ANSWER:
One degree
If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far,but you are obviously out of your league.
If you messed up, Turn your pencil in and exit the room.
Everyone else proceed to the final question.
You are driving a bus from London to Miford Haven in Wales.
In London, seventeen people get on the bus.
In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get in.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on.
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
ANSWER:
Oh...for crying out loud!
Don't you remember?
It was YOU!!
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
OOPS!"
New Virus: Even the most advanced
programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It
appears to mostly affect those of us who were born prior to 1960.
Symptoms:
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. .
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. .
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. .
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. .
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. .
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND"..
IT'S CALLED THE C-NILE VIRUS.
-
A.Klinkenberg
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before
the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious
is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
-
Ira Lerner
A SPECIAL POEM FOR SEASONED CITIZENS
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to popv Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.v Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...
Is what tells each one where to go!
-
Ira Lerner
'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . .
All those aches and pains annoyed me
And I couldn't sleep at night.
He could find no real disorder
But he wouldn't let it rest.
What with Medicare and Blue Cross,
We would do a couple tests.
To the hospital he sent me
Though I didn't feel that bad.
He arranged for them to give me
Every test that could be had.
I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,
My aging frame displayed.
Stripped, on an ice cold table,
While my gizzards were x-rayed.
I was checked for worms and parasites,
For fungus and the crud,
While they pierced me with long needles
Taking samples of my blood.
Doctors came to check me over,
Probed and pushed and poked around,
And to make sure I was living
They then wired me for sound.
They have finally concluded,
Their results have filled a page.
What I have will someday kill me;
My affliction is OLD AGE
I just need a Nap!
-
Ira Lerner
Back when I was a kid I was sitting on a bench outside the country store--, listening to old men brag. One old man said to the other, after braging about how well he could see, as he leaned forward, pointing, "Do you see that chigger on that old dead tree over yonder?"
The other old gent, who
had been bragging about how well he could hear, leaned forward looking
into the distance and finally turning his head sideways said, "I can't
say as I do, but I can hear him crawling."
M.A. Eller
An elderly man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room, and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the elderly man stammers, "My goodness, Doc. Exactly what's my problem?"
The doctor says, "You're
not drinking enough water."
Aging America Resource Newsletter
Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must have shrunk just sitting in his closet because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?"
"Furniture Disease is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."
VJF
Two guys were discussing their aging wives. One was quite sure his wife was going deaf. The other guy gave him a suggestion to test her hearing. "Here's what you do.
Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response".
So, that evening, she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens".
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So, he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So, he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"No response. So, he walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for supper?"
"FOR THE FIFTH TIME, CHICKEN!!"
Larry Hansen
-
Dr. L. Rice
After examining his seventy-five year old patient, the doctor said, "You're in remarkable shape for a man your age."
"Yes, I know," said the old gentleman. "I have only one complaint. My sex drive is too high. Is there anything you can do for that, Doc?"
"Your what?!" gasped the doctor.
"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."
"Lower it?!" the doctor exclaimed, still unable to believe what the seventy- five year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"
-
VJ FEMIA
A woman went to the doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out and ran down the hall screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
-
sk
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.
The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive?
How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it.
How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!!
Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
-
Roma Wittcoff
After living in the remote wilderness of Arkansas all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the store he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.
-
Roma Wittcoff
This 86 year old man goes for his regular cardiology visit. Two days later, the cardiologist sees the old man walking on the street.....with a gorgeous, young blond draped over his arm.
The cardiologist calls the old man aside. "Just what do you think you're doing?"
"Just taking your advice", the old man replies...."Get a 'Hot Mama', and be cheerful!"
-
Alan Brown
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You use to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
-
R Stewart
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet!"
A little later they ask again to see the baby. Again the mother says, "Not yet!"
Finally they ask, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries!"
They say: "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
-
Arnold Klinkenberg
THE VALUE OF EXERCISE
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where in the world she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise; so now I watch tennis.
If exercise work pays off in the future, shouldn't laziness pay off now?
A daily exercise regime never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Isn't having good health merely the slowest possible way you can die?
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
You could run these over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
-
G. Pedersen
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have ruined me!"
The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!"
For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it.
I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 25 year old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.
My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
Day 1: Started the morning at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get up but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class.
Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2: Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heavens sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3; The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators! Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4: Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was a half hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5: I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya...I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, a music teacher, or social studies teacher?
Day 6: Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7: Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD! Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...)
I want to get the car washed. I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table.
Ok, I'm going to wash the car...But first I'm going to go through the mail.
I notice trash can is full.
Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.
Now where is my checkbook? Oops...there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk.
Oh, there's the coke I was drinking... I'm going to look for those checks... But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while...
I head towards the kitchen and the plants catch my eye...they need some water... I set the coke on the counter and uh ....oh! there's my glasses...I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.
I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots-Aaaaaagh! someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room.
I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall figurint out what it was I was going to do.................!!??!!
End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is on the kitchen counter, flowers are half watered, the checkbook has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys...When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!
I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I'll check my e-mail...
-
Vince Femia
Leave it
to a man . . .
Husband's note to his wife:
"Doctor's office called; Said Pabst Beer is normal."
-
vj Femia
When Charlie turned 90 in the nursing home his buddies thought it would be a great joke to smuggle a prostitute into the home for him. So they pooled their money and, late that night, managed to get the girl into the nursing home and into Charlie's room. As she slid into bed with him Charlie muttered, "What are you here for."
She whispered in his ear, "I'm here to give you super sex."
Without opening an eye Charlie replied, "I'll take the soup."
-
C Thain
One day the oldest drew a bath. She put one foot in the water, paused, then called downstairs to her sisters, "Am I getting in the tub or out of the tub?"
She got up then, paused, and called, "I'll come up as soon as I see who's at the door!"
-
Big Mo
There are
four stages of man:
The first is when he forgets names
The second is when he forgets faces
The third is when he forgets to zip up his pants in the morning
And the fourth is when he forgets to unzip his pants.
-
J. A. Davis, Aged 70-something.
An elderly man went
to his doctor with this complaint9 "I can't seem to make love as
long as I used too".
The doctor look at him and said, "Tell me, how old are you?"
92 was the reply
"Hmm, 92 huh, when did you first notice this problem?" "The first
time was last nite and then again this morning."
A seventy-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, shaking and sobbing. A young man walks by and asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and we make love again, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love." The old man breaks down, sobbing, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live".
The doctor says, "Here are two divergent opinions on how best to treat you. I'm convinced you need a triple bypass. Your HMO says all you need to do is rub this $14 tube of salve on your chest."
Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"
"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."
"Good enough to enter the gates, "replied St. Peter, and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.
"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor."
St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.
The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "'I am a director of an HMO."
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor said to the man, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said 'you got a heart murmur. Be careful'".
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor. After a lengthy examination, the doctor sighed and said, "I have bad news for you...you have the Cancer and it can't be cured. I give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have Cancer and been given a short time to live. Let's head for the Pub and have a few pints.
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion..."Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from Cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone.
Three old men are
at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274", was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is
three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three
times three?"
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great", says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. The receptionist answered, "Mount Sinai Hospital."
"Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request."
A very authoritative voice came on and said, " Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"
She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber --- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals. Her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."
The guy on the other end said, " From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family."
She said, " What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor doesn't tell me anything!"
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband's examination, the doctor said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any concerns you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that old buzzard!", she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
Consider the case
of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago
for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and
was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached
his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable
to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email
address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look
at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor
in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Steve Palmer
Seventy year old
George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
with great results.
Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How
are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with
yourself and have a good relationship with G-d?"
George replied, "G-d and me are tight. We are so close that
when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!...the light
goes on and I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes
off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma,", he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great.
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship
with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof!
The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes
off?"
Thelma replied, "Oh Goodness! He's peeing in the fridge again!"
My grandmother lived to be 98 - she never needed glasses. She just drank from the bottle.
A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient.
The dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Joe was bragging to his friend, Harry, about his new hearing aid. "It's Fantastic! I can hear everything at church, including the little kid in the back as well as the minister up front. You really should get one, Harry! It changes everything when you can hear so well!"
Harry replies, "Sounds great! I need it! What kind is it?" Joe answers, looking at his watch, "Quarter to three."
Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedar Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. At that moment she asked, "Is this it?"
The response was, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and chest augmentation. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrived at the pearly gates and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?"
"Shirley! I didn't recognize you!" was the reply.
Big Chief Forget-me-Not
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the old Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
"'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'ello mate.')
On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later was surprised to see 'Old Big Chief Forget-me-Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How?" said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said
the Chief.
A doctor comes home and finds he has no water so he calls a plumber. The plumber walks in and has the water back on in 5 minutes. The plumber turns around and hands the doctor a bill for $275.00.
The outraged doctor stammers "I'm a Neurosurgeon, not some damn, dumb plumber, and I don't even make that much for 5 minutes work!"
The plumber smiles
and says "Yeah, I know, I didn't make that much when I was a
Neurosurgeon either."
As I let go of
my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring
levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones
that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself.
Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do, would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control
over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have
no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
Four out of five of the voices in my head agree that I'm doing
just fine.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper
and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me,
they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit.
But not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second,
to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to
buy me nice things.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid,
and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into
knots.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself
with imaginary fears.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of
state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there
are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the
problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching
TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll
find someone.
It's not whether you win or lose, but where you place the
blame.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend
it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the
conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as
sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next
step - blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it
look like I&*#39;m giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing
to learn from them.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Art Linkletter visited a retirement home and when walking through the hallway, met a charming lady. He asked her if she knew who he was. She smiled and said, "no, but if you ask the lady at the front desk, she can tell you".
A man walked into a golf shop and asked the owner to refer him to someone to play with, that has good eye sight, because he has trouble seeing the ball after he tees off.
The guy at the golf
shop replied, "Oh, you should play with Ted. He's 72, but has
perfect vision".
So the golfer teed off with Ted and said, "Can you see that
ball?"
Ted replied, "Yes, I see it! I see it!"
"Where is it?", he asked.
Ted replied, "Oh, I can't remember."
Told to her by her Dad
While visiting my dad (who is hard of hearing and refuses to get a hearing aid) we told him he should learn to read lips since he refused to get a hearing aid. His reply to us was, "Why would I want to learn to read lips, I can't see."
Seniors are the
Nations leading carriers of Aids!
Hearing Aids
Band Aids
Rolaids
Walking Aids
Medical Aids
Government Aids
But most of all Monetary Aid to their children.
Beverly B
Ed, Al and their wives, all seniors were playing cards. Ed announced that his memory had gotten so bad, he had gone to see a doctor about the problem and the doctor had given him pills to take.
Al spoke up, "I have the same problem - what's the name of the pills he gave you?"
Ed looked puzzled for a minute and didn't say anything. Then he brightened up and said, "What's the name of that red flower that has a long stem and thorns?"
Al said, "rose".
"Right!", said Ed. Turning to his wife he said "Rose, what's the name of those pills I'm taking?"
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