OH MY AGING FUNNY BONE...
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A feature of SENIOR RESOURCE and Understanding Aging.

Don't Miss More Humor and Other Features at These Stops
Age as Sage Attitude The Buck Stops Generation Gasp Gender Gap Mmmedically Typing? Ounce of Prevention Technologically Typing

Steven Wright-isms
He's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates."

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When every thing is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

E.Tabb

No human being will ever go to Heaven alone, or to Hell alone; someone else is bound to be influenced and follow to either place.

L. Lancaster

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.

From a list of humor from V.Femia

If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger? --T.H. Huxley

from Bella a subscriber

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."-Stephen Bishop
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."- Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."-Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."-Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

N.Lallande

You never see a hearse with a luggage rack.

From http://www.DickEBirdNews.com

25 Truths of Life

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

N. Lellande

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
G. Pederson

Thoughtless, or thought-provoking signsAlzheimer's Center prepares for an affair to remember

Open House:
Body Shapers Toning Salon
Free coffee & donuts

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
J.Williams

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.

People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
--Mark Twain

Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are...
1.Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2.You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3.The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are:
"I apologize" and "You are right."
4.Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5.When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6.The best advice that your mother ever gave you was.
"Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month? One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Me Mail

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.

me mail

I accept good advice gracefully -- as long as it doesn't interfere with what I intended to do in the first place.

me mail

My forgetter's getting better but my rememberer is broke...

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
--T.S. Eliot

Eternal Truths

1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
5. I know G-d won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
6. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
8. We cannot change the direction of the wind ... but we can adjust our sails.
9. Some days are a total waste of makeup.
10. Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again?
11. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
13. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
14. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
15. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
16. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
17. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
18. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
21. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
22. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
23. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
24. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
25. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Sima

LIFE'S PECULIAR REFLECTIONS

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
3. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
4. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
5. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
7. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
8. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
9. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
10. I Don't Have An Attitude Problem ... You Have a perception problem.

DoreEd

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
I am a nutritional overachiever.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away

M.E.Spencer

When you're old and fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.

Arlene Inglis

ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE
by Andy Rooney
I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

That when you're in love, it shows.

That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

That being kind is more important than being right.

That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

That money doesn't buy class.

That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

That love, not time, heals all wounds.

That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, you're hooked for life.

That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

From G Johnson

Getting old.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Yah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and bald they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then ... oh my goodness you forgot to pull your zipper down!

A.Klinkenberg

A healthy attitude is contagious but don't wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier.

On the spiritual side...

1. The best way to get even is to forget.
2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
4. Some folks wear their halos much to tight.
5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they all have to be maintained on earth.
6. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up.
7. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both sides.
8. Too many people offer God prayers, with claw marks all over them.
9 You must wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive.
10.The shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor.The one who kneels to pray can stand up to anything.

Gentle thoughts for today:

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

VJ FEMIA

DEEP THOUGHTS:

-- Worrying works! 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.
-- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
-- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-- It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
-- Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
-- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
-- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
-- If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Gini Pederson

Life is just a bowl of cherries, you just need to remove the pits...
Getting old is an issue of "Mind over matter", if you don't mind, it doesn't matter...

TravelinDan, 75, a swimmer and MC.

THE RULES OF LIFE
Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are....

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three martinis.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe it.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

ChargrJohn

Life's Gems

1. Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
2. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have the longer you live.
3. Many of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
4. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
5. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
6. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
7. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
8. We could learn a lot from crayons: Some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and they're all different colors.... But they all have to learn to live in the same box.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

--Helen Hayes (at 73)

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

--Lily Tomlin

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

--Caryn Leschen

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.

--Catherine Aird

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

--Jennifer Unlimited

CHILDREN

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

'Old' is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis".

A friend is a person who tells you all the nice things about you that you didn't even know your self.

To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others use your heart.

No offense taken. We are not old.... just preparing for the distant future.

Everyone experiences fear! It's what you do despite that fear that defines you!

Live a good and honorable life. Then when you are old you can recall it and enjoy it a second time.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - An aging body is a very high price to pay for maturity. - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. - I want to die in my sleep like my drunken neighbor-not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. - If you look like your driving license picture, you're too sick to drive a vehicle. - Cleaning your house while the kids are still living at home is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Words of Wisdom

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
I don't get even, I get odder.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom: sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

arnylee

So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
Senior Citizen: Give Me My Darn Discount
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
(On the back of a passing motorcycle) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About
I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich
Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law
If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order

Phrases you too can use:
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

Gini Pederson

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference..

Now that I'm older....here's what I've discovered: I STARTED out with nothing....I still have most of it.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through..
It was all so different before everything changed.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Arnold L. Klinkenburg
San Diego

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
I was put on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will live forever.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a rotten beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
WOMEN Remember, as we get older we no longer have hot flashes. We now have power surges.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Gini Pedersen

FEELING OLD?

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

Arnold L. Klinkenburg

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Everytime I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week: my schedule is already full.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Jacobson

Things That Make You Go Hummmm....

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then... what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Chuck Brock

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves

Vince Femia

It's not where you stand, but in which direction you're facing that matters.

A 78 Year Old, Quoting Oliver Wendell Holmes

GOOD OLD DAYS