In this four-part show, Daphne Davis at Pinnacle Senior Placements talks about end of life care. In this segment, Daphne addresses first steps to take. In this segment, Daphne talks about some of the details, including the executor of their estate.
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*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.
And Welcome back everyone to answers for elders radio and we have spent this amazing quick hour talking about the topic that nobody wants to talk about, and that is end of life. And Daphne Davis from Pinnacle Senior placements, you have been such a amazing resource for us and you know, I know that so many of us sadly have lost loved ones through this pandemic. Hitting half a million deaths in this country is just more than World War One, World War Two and in the Vietnam War combined. It’s heartbreaking and it’s hard, but I think it’s mostly hard on the families that are left behind and certainly you know when you were talking about in our previous segment about your motherin law, Margaret, being the matriarch of the family. There’s family dynamics that go on and when someone passes away everything shifts and I would love to spend this final hour on helping families instead of being at division, helping to unify that conversation and you know what goes on. So would you share with us a little bit of your thoughts of when that happens? You know, how can families come together? I guess it’s my question, the most important piece. If everyone has a different role in the family and everyone has different perspectives, than they’re all valid and they’re all true. It just depends upon this perspective that you’re coming from. And so as the dynamics of your family unfold, and each family is going to be different, around the death process and then someone actually dying, be sure to honor wherever someone’s at, because there isn’t any wrongness, it’s just different perhaps from yours as a listener, and so try hard, when you are in the listening role, to honor wherever that person is at, and that will alleviate a lot of dissension, if that’s a potential. In Our story with Margaret, she has three children and they have always lived in different parts of the country since probably about nineteen eight, nineteen seventy seven, some place around there, and all three kids are very, very independent, very much like their parents, and but yet at the same time they had a good connection of communication when needed. But there is still the opportunities to have miscommunication, true, or to interject our value system onto someone else. Let me just say that again. Interject your values system onto someone else. Yeah, and none of us have the right, and so to avoid those types of uncomfortable, charged, maybe even angry, conversations, just keep in your heart that everybody has the right to their own perspectives, their own opinions, their own value systems, and I think that will help a lot. Wellhen I thake two. What you’re saying to is the fact that it’s in such an emotional time and everybody is going to be higher charged, especially if it’s the matriarch of the family, because you’re going to be dealing with, you know, all kinds of things that the world revolved around Margaret or mom or that or whoever that is, and you know you’re the torch is going to be passed to the next generation, to the next you know person that’s going to pick that up and there’s dynamics around that whole piece of how do you best, you know, function now, because everybody has to again find a new place in the family? Correct. That’s exactly right. My Mom, her family is a nine children. Both of my grandparents have passed away and I’m only three years younger than the youngest child, so I was more like a Kent Kid than the first scrudchild, and I was thinking a lot. How are we going to keep our cohesiveness GRANDPA and grammar are gone, you know, are we still going to get together? Are we still going to have our traditions? And that was just one of the thoughts that I had, and that will probably happen when both parents are gone in every family, because it is passing the torch. Embrace those conversations again, have humor around them. I mean, who’s going to make the less someone? Now mom’s go on, she always make the less of WHO’s picking it up? Yeah, did somebody remembered to collect dad’s favorite popular mechanics and, you know, look through him and reading his little notes of the best ways to do whatever he did? Very true. and not to mention not to mention it’s like well, you know, you make this better than our I make this better than mom did. And it’s like yeah, but I like the way mom made this, made the less of better. And so then there’s this dynamic of, you know, so many things that happen and and I think to sometimes we we tend to ignore our own pain and our own griefs, you know, and then we tend to either lash out or we try to fix other people and not take tre of ourselves to and that’s the other side of it as well. Yes, absolutely, there’s just so many things. We could talk about this that for a long time right now. Another big mean sometimes I’d like to say, you know, don’t slip the small stuff. You know, if the potatoes for the left that have salts for them or not. That’s the small stuff. You know it. It past that. But there are bigger things that come to pass as someone has died, and one is who’s ever the medical advanced directed person, the medical power of attorney, like, once someone passes away, your title is done, like you have no one to advocate for and that was your job. And now, most often, I’m saying that’s very simplistically, and there can be, you know, variables and how paperwork is written, but simplistically your job is done. And now the executor of the will comes into being, right, and now there’s a whole new set of value systems and that’s through the will. And the other thing in much in in most financial planners that I know, say that the executor should not be a family member, because what happens, is is what I’ve heard, that I’ve had, is that whoever becomes the executor in a family. When ends up happening is that they get you know, I want this, I want that. Then they end up getting the short into the stick to make everybody happy, where an executor is not an not an air you know, there there’s somebody that just takes things. Sometimes they get paid a fee to do it and mostly often they do, and they will handle the process of an estate. And that is an entirely different conversation. And so again, understanding that that is a that is the handoff process. That likely if your parents are, you know, your loved ones have set something up like that. That is a likely scenario. Yeah, and and everybody’s is going to be different, you know, and that’s a conversation to have with an attorney that they know the best way of working with your family estate right. But what’s really important is at that time give give some support to that executor in terms of extra grace. Let them learn their job. You know, if they’re not a professional, if they’re not your attorney, that is the executor, whatever it is. Just give a little extra grace to work through that. There are so many financial details, so many financial details. Now you don’t even you’re not even aware of like how many death certified death certificates should I have? And I was like, when my guests passed away, I was like, you need more than one. I didn’t have any reference to know that. All the common makes. Hat have on your insurance, all of us. Yeah, they’re going to need to have a certified that’s certificate. I am there also extra expenses when somebody passes away. I know my mom had prepaid her cremation, but they said what, she actually died in King County. So when the cremation company called me and said, well, she died in King County and they have a what’s called a permission to cremate tax, that I had to actually pay extra that we didn’t plan on because we were in Sahamish County. But they don’t have that. So again, be prepared to be a little bit surprised about certain things that will come up upon the depth and figure out as a family. It’s like who’s going to take those calls? Who’s going to make the decisions on on you know, scenarios that could arise on you know, but also work with the executor, realizing that its executor is doing their job and your loved one has entrusted them to do that and I think that’s one of the things that’s so vitally important. And the other thing is it takes time, based on you know, something has a will. It could go to probate for years, I heard, you know, sitting on are your you know, there’s different types of mechanisms like living trust or, you know, trust that a family trust that makes pass to beneficiary, different things like that, but those are things to talk to a attorney about and what is most important. And and again, you guys can didn’t help in that process. So tell Usooth it again. So Pinnacle is there. Let’s say at the end of someone’s life. How do you help? So somebody called me and let’s say someone’s living at an assistant living. You know, I would place them as assistant living community. They can call me and they can say this is what’s happening with my mom. I don’t know if there’s a high enough level of care at this assistant living. What I can do, what pinnacle can do, is advocate for you to the director of nursing and kind of talk language to language, professional to professional, but you get to talk to me, the family members, the family member and then it’s my job to be able to say, can you meet these needs? Right? Some cents we have to make a change in where people live. Sometimes we don’t. If you’re in an adult family home, oh my goodness. In my opinion you have a do a right there with you all the time and that the hands on care giver, on the provider. That’s another situation, though, that pinnacle can help you in reaching out to different hospice companies. Maybe you haven’t had the burial part of things wrapped up yet. We can certainly help you and knowing who to call to do that. I mean, now, this is not going to surprise anyone. Margaret had everything organized. She was of course she did right down. Yeah, last month we got in the mail of form that we had designed for the state of Colorado that said we were fine with having Margaret creplated, and so it was sent to all of us and it was taking care of. Wow, I’m everything so gaffe. How do we reach you? So at the best way to reach me as eight hundred fifty five, seven, thirty four, one fifteen hundred, or you can also reach as a pinnacle senior Placementscom and we have a team of six now that are able to be able to help you. You will always at some point talk to me, but then I have someone else. You’re going to get two for one. Now we have another person and I will help you. That’s offime and you know, for each and every one of you, we are so honored to have you spend this hour with us, to have this conversation and certainly also to have it from our favorite guest in the world sometimes on on these kinds of topics, and that’s our wonderful Daphne Davis. So and there’s lots of things to come this year with answers for elders radio and you guys are going to be hearing about it very soon and doubt it’s going to be very much a part of that, and so we are looking forward to maybe doing some more interaction with our listeners that we can help you through the process. So until next week, everyone, just know, stay safe, mascot and be good to each other.
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Founder and CEO of Answers for Elders, Inc., Suzanne Newman proclaims often, “Caring for my mom was the hardest thing I ever have done, but it was also my greatest privilege.” Following a career of over 25 years in sales, media, and marketing management, Suzanne Newman found herself on a 6-year journey caring for her mother. Her trials and tribulations as a family caregiver inspired an impassioned life mission outside of the corporate world to revolutionize the journey that so many other American families also find themselves on. In 2009, she became the founder and CEO of Answers for Elders, Inc., subsequently hosting hundreds of radio segments and podcasts, as well as authoring her first book. Suzanne and Answers for Elders, Inc. have spent 14 years, and counting, committed to helping families and seniors along their caregiving journeys by providing education, resources, and support. Each week on the Answers for Elders podcast, Suzanne is joined by vetted professional experts in over 65 categories including Health & Wellness, Life Changes, Living Options, Money, Law, and more. Suzanne lives in Edmonds, Washington with her husband, Keith, and their two doodle dogs, Whidbey and Skagit.