Family Dynamics During a Senior Home Sale, Part 1

*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.

Welcome to the answers for elders radio show. meet the trusted experts who will give you straight answers and I will help guide you on the path of later life care. Now here’s your host, founder, caregiver and CEO, Susanne Newman, and welcome everyone to answers for elders radio network. And we’re here again with another four part series with Rebecca Bowman, the founder and CEO of Sash Senior home sale services that sell a senior home sash services dot com. And we’re so honored every time Rebecca comes back because Rebecca has so much in the way of understanding the dynamic of families and as they’re going through the transitions of not only selling a senior’s home, but it’s usually in a time of huge transition for a family on their a lot of emotions in place, a lot of different types of scenarios. And if you’re a family out there, you have a family out there that is going through changes or is expected to go through some changes, I think this is a show you may want to listen to. And so rebecca, thank you for coming and joining us today. Thank you, Suzanne as always for having me and I really appreciate that you’re taking time to talk about the family, because they play an outsize role in a lot of these big lifesteps that the seniors go through, whether it’s the sale of the home, or moving into assisted living, or from assisted living into a different kind of home, um moving from independence to meeting care on a regular basis, moving in with their their adult children. Yep, the party, you name it, finding a new place, both the adult children and the adult and and the senior moving into a separate home. I’ve seen that before. There’s a lot of different dynamics that happened, for sure, there are, and I think what we want to do today, Susanne, and what I really want to do is just say to the adult children and the family out there, we see you, we hear you. We know the kind of responsibility that it is to be a caregiver, and it’s a it’s a lot, it’s an honor, it’s a privilege, but it’s also a lot. And oftentimes people feel like they’re all by themselves. Nobody understands the hours that they’re putting in, the sacrifices that they’re putting in, and we do understand, and we want to give a shout out today to all the family members that you know give up their time, their weekends, their evenings, their lunch hours to be that caregiver and advocate for their senior loved one. Very true, very true. And I know Rebecca, Um, you know, as when you’re going through a major change like that, there’s stress, there’s overwhelmed, there’s confusion, there’s strife, but all of this the emotions that we all feel. Um, it’s really easy to come apart of the seems to the people that you love, especially in a family unit. And I’m sure with you working with the families especially Um, more so than a lot of maybe senior providers they were deal with maybe the senior and one you know, adult child, you’re in a different situation where you’re probably seeing you know, all of the children in many cases, all the children and sisters and brothers and spouses and ex husbands and ex wives and all kinds of stuff. I bet you do. Yes, I have sat at a dining room table before where the senior couple was there and are six children and their six children’s spouses and they were all seated around the table looking at me, going okay, what are you going to tell us about how we can sell our parents home. and Um, you’re absolutely right. There’s a whole gamut of emotion. And I think in particular because it is the family home. Maybe they’re not going to show up if there’s just a health appointment. Maybe they’re not going to show up if there’s just you know, taking care of the dog or things like that. But then folks find out mom and dad are thinking of selling the home, you know, then emotions really do come out and a lot of opinions and people feel very strongly about when their mom or dad should sell their home. And unfortunately, this can breed a lot of conflict and stress. Um some of that’s directed at the senior homeowner. Senior homeowner unfortunately, and boy, Susanna, I have seen so many different scenarios. So we just wanted to take today to talk through some of this with your listeners and to really say, first of all, we hear you, we see you, and we want to explain a few things that happened regularly in families that are going through these kinds of big stressful transitions, so that maybe you know that it’s pretty normal what you’re experiencing with your own siblings. Yeah, and it’s true because how often do even I get phone calls saying, you know, this is what’s going on with my family, and I can pretty much pigeonhole the type of family it is by kind of the first conversation is kind of interesting because there, you know, we all think that we’re this unique. Um, you know that nobody goes through what we go through, and that couldn’t be further from the truth, because you go through. And just from my own personal experience, I was only twenty five when I started to take care of my grandfather who was eighty two, and he was a tough old marine. He had he had been a Marine Corps officer for twenty one years. He fought in a couple of wars, and he said, I’m not living with my kids, and I’m not living with old people, and uh, you know, he was just very firm about that, and so my husband and I invited him to live with us. We purchased just for the purpose of taking care of him, a two thousand square foot rambler so that he would have no stairs. He got the master suite and he was in our home for a year and a half until the last month of his life. And I had the round the clock care. In addition, I had a one year old and a newborn at that time, so there was all of us together and I’m you know, jumping between the needs of a newborn, a one year old, and an eighty two year old. And so I did feel all of the motions of being a caregiver, of helping my grandfather with his homesale, of of all of his needs. and Um, that’s why when an adult child calls sash and they’re burned out, they’re overwhelmed, they don’t know where to start. They haven’t had a weekend off in two months, they’re working around the clock, and they still feel like they’re coming short. We just really want to extend compassion to them. And because they need our support and they’re doing a huge thing for their senior loved one by being that passionate advocate for them during those hard times. Well, and I think the other part of that is is when you’re that thick in it, Um, it’s hard to let go. It’s hard to say that, Um, to place your trust into somebody out from outside yourself to say it’s going to be okay. And and Um, you know, this is why we have to have this conversation today because I think a lot of times, you know, we all have our preconceived ideas that it’s okay, you know that only I know how to take care of my mom or my dad. And it’s not that we’re trying to replace you as people, but we hurt here to support you and and and your loved one. So it’s exactly and I think that’s the thing that I’m excited to talk about today. Yeah, and and especially you know, you know, we I say sometimes how silly it would be if we went to a football game and there was just the quarterback all by themselves on the other at the end of the field, with no team around them. And so the best, most important thing that I like to do for families is to start bringing in a team around them, a team of professionals who are experts in their field, who are supportive, who are empathic, who are compassionate, who can provide guidance and even you know, sometimes the best thing I can do for an adult child who’s calling our office is just listen for an hour, just let them express, you know, the stress, the things that have been hard. You know, they’re at the end of their rope there. They’re working so hard, they’re trying to balance their full time job, their home responsibilities, their caregiver responsibilities, and some sibling conflict is going on, and they just feel like they don’t know where to turn. So we want to just provide that support. and Um, we do understand. And we want to say to everyone, build a team around you, professionals and social workers and caregivers and people that can keep you going strong while you’re in this important role. And you had that job as well, Suzanne, in your mother’s life. I did. I did, and I you know, and my family came apart at the seams, and and you know, now looking back in a retrospect, I was just a much piece of that as they were. I but I did not have of the knowledge and the understanding of what resources were out there at the time that I didn’t realize that I could have made a lot of better decisions along the way had I not just you know, let go and let somebody they knew what they were doing to help me. And I guess that’s the thing that, Um, you know, this is why I do what I do, Rebecca, is I do this every day? You know, I have this career because I don’t want families to go through what I want and I think that’s why, Um, you know we’re here today and and certainly, Um, we’re excited to hear you talk about so I guess we have about one minute left in this first segment. Fill me in on just I guess the first step of if we’re going to talk about in the next segment, what are we going to be doing move to move forward as far as the family? So how can you lead us in? So what we want to do in our next segment is just talk about some typical roles that sibilating family members fall into and you know why they fall into that and all that can impact the whole family dynamic, and then how we can provide support to those people in our care for the senior says, we’re not just taking care of the senior. When I come into sell a senior’s home, I’m getting a lay of the land of the whole family and I’m here to support them to absolutely. And you know, for each and every one of you out there, Um, you know, if you’re looking at, you know, a potential living change with your loved one, it’s like these are kind of the kind of things that we all go through in families. It’s normal to have all these emotional feelings about especially if it’s the home that you grow up in. Maybe there’s different memories that could be good or bad, and we’re going to talk about that. So in the meantime, Rebecca, how do we read too? People can find out more about sash services on our website sash services dot com and can call us at triple ate four hundred sash an four fabulous and guess what everyone, Rebecca and I will be right back right after this. We it answers for elders. Thank you for listening. Did you know that you can discover hundreds of podcasts in our library on senior care? So visit our website and discover our decision guides that will help you also navigate decision making. Find US AND ANSWERS FOR ELDERS DOT COM