Healing: Sibling to Sibling with Daphne Davis

*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.

The following podcast is provided by pinnacles senior placements. Ll See and answers for elders radio and welcome back everyone. Two answers for elders radio. And we were here with Daphne Davis from Pinnacle senior placements, who is our wonderful counselor coach, information post for anything that you and your family need in navigating senior care. And one of the things that I love about you, Daphne, is that you are available. You know whether people want to hire you to for a transition or not. I mean even in the early stages when you’re dealing with potential changes, that’s the time to pick up the phone and call you and you’re not invested when that timing happens. It may happen down the road, a year from now, but at least you’re beginning the conversations and you know, this hour we’re talking a little bit about not a little bit. We’re talking a lot about healing and discord, healing, discourse and families and we talked a little bit in our first segment definite about about siblings. And everybody comes to the table in different things. What are you finding is a kind of a common theme with Siblings Together. Common thing that is almost universal is the perception of what mom and dad can or cannot do and where they need help. And that’s because our filters are different, our relationships with our mom and dad are different. It also is because we each have a different set of skills, things that we can see more clearly than an other areas. You know, mom and dad are not a fall risk to one person, another person who may spend more time with them and actually sees them moving around rather than just a visit and you’re having lunch together at the dining room table, but another person sees them as, oh my goodness, they’re watching, you know, the their furniture, walking, they’re touching the walls to get from one place to the other. If mom or dad drops something, I’m right there to pick it up, so they’re not, you know, bending over to get it, and just has to do with what our interaction is. It’s neither it’s wrong, you know, it’s just what is this snapshot that you’re seeing? So that’s one of the areas. Is What can mom and dad actually do? The other one that comes up quite frequently is cognition issues. Are there any challenges in cognition. Is there any short term memory loss? Is there challenges in having safety, awareness and judgment? Again, that comes with your snapshot of what is Your Involvement with your parents? What time of day is it? Did they just have a good protein breakfast and they’re full of energy? Has it been a while since you’ve seen them? So mom or dad are kind of pulling all their their physical resources together, to quote, to pull it together. We never lose the desire to be socially appropriate, and so evaluating cognition challenges within a family can be very challenging. Somebody can have a very cogent conversation with dad one day and then the next day dad could be delusional and that’s completely normal. So again, having the third party come in, have the doctors, the professionals, the medical professionals, come in and have a baseline if you are questioning any of physical or mental abilities, is the best route to go. Having Sibling to sibling go toe to toe. Nope, Dad can still do that. He’s just fine taking the garbage out and navigating the steps. He can have a bag and hold the railing and be just fine. Somebody else might see it a little differently. Again, the bottom line is our common goal is for safety, right, dignity and a world as big as possible in their unique story. So those are some things that I see that come up with within siblings. Sometimes we can get into finances. This is one of the elephants in the room, talking about finances and what is the attitude of the family? What was mom and dad’s with is at one time, and we still are working with a generation that has the huge value of leaving something for their their children. Leaving an inheritance is still a part of their norm. They were left an inheritance many times and so people want to continue that that tradition. Sometimes it’s not possible, and so having the conversation about finances in terms of this is mom and dad’s money. Mom and dad worked hard for it or they invested wisely and thankfully they have resources now to be able to help with their their private care needs. We are living a long time still. We have medical technology that helps us to do that with dignity, and so we do need finances often. Often this is a conversation I have to have with the elders, the mom and dad that says your gift to your kids can be that you are safe and that you do have the care and the quality of living environment that you deserve. Yes, it would be nice to be able to leave an inheritance to your children, but I think your children really are valuing your quality of life. And then we open up that door conversation. It’s done with a lot of permission. It’s something that we don’t just, you know, bulldozed our way into and have this conversation about finances, because many people are very private about it. There may be financial quote secrets that some of the family knows, some of them don’t know. There may be surprises you know that people don’t know. Nonetheless, the bottom line is communication is always key in working through any crisis situation right that you can get to the healing, if it’s needed right and I think that applies not only in the crisis situation but in the ongoing scenario of taking care of a loved one. I know in the initial stages, because my mom and I initially were not close. When I first started taking care of her, she was closer to my former sister in law and so she had her managing my mother, her managing her finances because she was closing off from me and almost resent well, but I was the person that was chosen to take care of her and I remember having to deal with her saying mom needs this, mom needs that, and this, this consternation of you know, no, she doesn’t, and and that there’s this person’s absent. And yet that person that’s on the front line, like me, I was seeing the daytoday thing mom needs new clothes. She doesn’t have those things. She doesn’t, do you know, she doesn’t. You know, she’s spending too much money on all these mail order catalogs. I see these encyclopedia showing up. I don’t know where they came from, you know, and I’m the one that’s trying to help, but I feel like I’m frustrated because I don’t have I have somebody else, you know, managing from a distance, and I think that’s that was my experience, but it certainly happens, I think, very common in families that different people four different things. Yeah, how do you? How do you deal with something like that? That has to be the third party that comes in, whether it be right there, a Pea, you know, social worker, Myself, somebody from another agency, but it does have to come from a third party or you’re just going to dig in deeper unless someone has the skills to be able to put their own personal feelings aside and embrace the other person they’re talking to, which is very difficult to do. So to have that third person boy, I really encourage every family to do that. It will alleviate a lot of discontent and grief because there is different perceptions. I mean even in my own family there’s only three, three of US siblings. We all work care drivers at some level. All of us had different caregiving skills. Mine happened to be one that was the highest. I spent the most time with my dad. My brother had a hard time, you know, seeing everything that was here and he hates and related to dad on a different level than I ever would, of course, and so his perception was different. My Dad was different with my brother, I’m sure you know, and that’s all. That’s different and and that’s, I guess, the thing that happens is like, you know, everyone deserves a seat at the table. The question is, is that we all have to have. It’s like a table manners, you know, we all to have to map manners and we all have to acknowledge people’s strengths and their ability to, you know, to hold that Table Opera Doles, those chair, you know, the legs on the table. So the fact is is that it’s working as a team and a lot of people don’t know how to do that. So it’s a learning process Susan a lot of that takes a real humbleness to set aside your strong feelings to be able to hear what someone else is saying, and so in that humility can be real productive conversation rather than nitty knit picking at each other and being protective of our position or resentful yes, or reasonful yes, which able to to get around that exactly. And I think that’s the thing that you know. That’s where, you know, the timeout factor happens. You know, maybe you know there’s a time before you respond to that email. It’s to get up and take a walk, move around, think about why we’re doing this, think about the processes of what’s good about this. You know, and sometimes it’s hard, but you’re right, it’s about humility. It’s about, you know, forgiveness, even when other people are hurting you, and realizing that you know, it’s for the greater good. And those are the things that I think is can be a challenge for so many families in coming together because we don’t want people to come, you know, a part at the seams, and that’s the thing that I think that happens so frequently. I know with my family it did, and certainly I’ve talked too many families that that’s happened, and it’s you know, it’s how do we come together and how do we work together? I think that’s so valuable and somebody like you can certainly, you know, not necessarily be the referee, but help to bring out situations, to find common ground and ality and keep people focus on the right set. I’s keeping focused. I think another theme that I see is personality styles and how to process information. Some are very methodical and want something to take a long time. We have to do thorough shopping, thorough researching, you know, have at nauseum conversations, you know, regurgitate things over and over. Not Bad, just a personality type. And then another sibling is like we’ve identified the problem, we’ve got some possibilities. Now let’s decide on and move forward. Let’s get it done. Let’s just get it done. Yeah, that happens a lot in families. Yeah, that’s slow down slow the breast. The other person already has the House sold and mom and dad are moved. Well, let me talk a little bit more about this in our next segment, about, you know, really this whole healing process, I think, not only with siblings but also with our parents. And in the meantime, Daphne, how do we reach you? Eight hundred and fifty five, seven thirty four one thousand five hundred is our phone number, and at our website you can reach us at Pinnacle Replacementscom. Fabulous and everyone, we’re talking about healing this hour with Daphne Davis coming back right after this. The preceding podcast was provided by pinnacles senior placements LLC and answers for elders radio. To contact pinnacles senior placements, go to Pinnacle Senior Placementscom.