Operating in the New Normal, Part 3 with Daphne Davis

*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.

The following podcast is provided by pinnacles senior placements LLC and answers for elders radio and welcome back everyone to answers for all those radio and I’m here with Daphne Davis and Daphne, I’m glad you’re here. We have been talking this last hour about, you know, how we’re dealing with our senior loved ones through this process and there’s a lot of ways in which we’re getting creative and doing things. But one of the things that Dene you touched on in the last segment that I think is really important is how do we as a family support our senior loved ones through this time, and certainly there’s a lot to be talked about in that categoriason. They’re yeah, there is. I’ve talked to the small families that, you know, have an only taught in the family and I talked to family that have seven kids in the family, and so both ireals look the same and many, many ways it’s just things are spread out over over in different number of people. I think the most important thing I want you to hear right now no about with this is to be gentle with each other as you are working together as a family to support a loved one member that everybody has a full life right now. Yeah, that has a lot of uncertainty in it and that heightens the emotional, I guess, turmoil of people. And then you can throw in something as emotionally charged as your aging parents. Let’s just stick with that. Aging parents or somebody a friend. That’s time. How do you support them and still have them independent? And because it’s like unwritten rule that we can be, and this is a good rule, but an unwritten rule, that we can we can be our true selves. Well, sometimes when we’re tired one we’re exhausted, sometimes to get a little too raw, and so we can say things or do things that we’re not proud of and didn’t mean to say or do. And I remember when I was my mom’s caregiver, even when she was an assisted living or in skilled nursing, she still knew how to push my buttons. Even when she had dementia, she still knew how to push my buttons. And and I learned sometimes you just have to walk around the block, sometimes you just talk to you know, just take a you know, five minute break, just say I’ll be back in five minutes and walk around the you know, the block or the y’all hard, if you even if it’s a two minute break, to just set yourself, to just get yourself together, and I think those things are important. To remember that you have to take care of yourself during this time. It can be stressful when you’re all cooped up, you know, in your home and if you have a senior love one that’s living with you. The other thing is is you’re not you may not feel as productive as you normally are, you know, during the day when you’re at work or things like that. It’s like things are different now. Things are truly different. Everybody’s going through different emotions, different types of fears that are, you know, escalating, and then there’s thoughts also, other things that you know, boundaries are are shaky. You don’t necessarily know where they are with people also, and you you’re syqueing into something that I my second point one is pick a brass be kind and gentle to each other, but all, find the courage to advocate for yourself so that people do know where everybody fans find the current. Hey, you know what, this is a really hard area for me. You know, mom, you doing this little idiosyncrasy thing. J is like, you know, fingurenails on the chocoal word. It’s okay to say those things because then mom knows, oh well, I can, I don’t need to do that. Well, bobbed you. You know, it’s the open communication. It’s having the courage to say the things that are real, say them with kindness, say them from your heart, to have a little preamble in the beginning of it. This is not to hurt you mom, this is not to hurt you dad. I love you, just to say, but if we could just change this a little bit, I think I would be a lot better for you and me both have conversations. Be Courageous to name them. It’s okay. You might discover that. You know, wow, my relationship is changing and it’s more open than it’s ever said. Yeah, who has a current discover what happens in that relationship, especially when when the roles are changing, when they’re reversing in some situations? I’ve had some families that have have talked with me and just as I don’t, I get hooked every time. I feel like my my dad is a teenager. You just rebellious and I am just, you know, parenting a teenager. Very true, that’s a good description. Some time, think about when when teenagers really are teenagers and they’re they’re trying to spread their wings and they’ve got restrictions put on them and they can’t quite figure out where the borderline is and what’s safe and what’s not safe. Isn’t that the same thing we do with our parents? Says, their bodies change. The NEAT difference, though, is your parent has lived a full life, and so there’s for all those things that the typical teenager will feel in terms of having restrictions. And who are you to tell me that I’m not being safe? I’ve done this all my life. Who are you to say that I need drink more water? I’ve made it this far. I don’t need any more water today. I mean, can’t you just hear the conversation? All those are things, are things that we need to work on in terms of languaging and sometimes, even when close relationships, understanding what motivates people is the best thing to help in those situations. So my mother, she knows that I talked about her. My mom likes to be a pleaser and she doesn’t advocate for herself, and so sometimes I’ll say to her things like, mom, what would really make you happy right now? Let’s say it’s a scenario where you just don’t know what they want for launch, or, you know, they give them what they say and then they don’t want to eat it, or they say that they want to do this, but then they don’t do it. I am what would really make you happy right now, and name the things that are not open for discussion, like like, we can’t go to your house today. That’s not on the plate. You know, whatever the things are, name the thing that you know they’re going to go through to take away the power of it. Take away that power and then move on to what would really make you happy today. And we’re talking about for one love that. Let me, let me see if I can meet that. Well, I’d really like to have some green grapes. You know what? I can under the store right now and go get some green grapes and they’ll say, oh, tomorrow, it’s fine, you can get them for tomorrow. Okay, let’s make sure. Are you sure I can’t get them for you right now this mom I want you to be happy. No, it’s really no fork enough of our nose to go and get some green grapes. Well, and here’s I’m saying, a picture of things. Yes, and one of the things I think that’s really powerful about what you’re saying is you’re giving that loved one a choice. They don’t feel like being dictated to. And one of the things that you know, even though that senior is being a teenager, quote unquote, they’re still your parent and there’s that parent child dynamic and that, like you and I have talked and many times of the fact that that never works, that always goes down a bad roads. You know, mom or dad will always be mom or dad and you will always have that parent child relationship, even though that parent is being a teenager. Well, it’s finding that that rhythm to give them a choice, to say, you know, mom, here’s the situation. We have two things that we could do today. We could do a or we could do be what would make you happy, you know. And so all of a sudden mom might say, you know, I’d really like to do watch this movie on Netflix today. Great, let’s do that. Then all of a sudden they feel like they’re still being the parent, that you’re still being that daughter, and they’re in lies the attitude that is very kind of an interesting scenario that a lot of us have never been in before. It’s exactly right. It takes a choice. I can hear all kinds of listeners sitting in their living rooms right now or in their car and going, but what is about the person who says, well, I don’t care, I don’t care what you do? Then say, you know what, but it really does matter to me. I love you so much that I really do want to hear it. And so, if that’s a personality, loved one, start the day out. You know you’re helping them get started in their day and happing breakfast or whatever, and go. You know, later today we have some time to be able to do something different. How about start thinking about that and throw out ideas? It’s taking away the power of what naturally is the resistance that you hear. I want to fig it. Also, yes, this takes a lot of energy, but wouldn’t it be more fun to spend energy on a positive outcome than energy on a battle? Because exactly basically what’s going to happen? There’s a lot of battles of the will. You can see the logic of something, you can see how something will be more efficient to do its ABC way instead of Xyz Way. But is it worth the battle? Is it’s okay after them to have to take six more steps to do something versus your two steps in the grand really doesn’t matter. And so you have the family caregiver. Do you have to put a lot of energy into the relationship? But positive energies are energy given to a positive outcome versus energy given to a battle. Which one would you rattus? And and I think it’s all in the it’s in the attitude, it’s in the verbiage, you know, it’s in the overall the posture. Yes, there you go, that’s the word I needed. It’s it’s really taking that into considerations that you know sometimes, you know, we forget that words definitely matter, but it’s also in the attitude and the posturing. obsolutely correct, Daphne. So thank you for that. Yeah, yeah, we’re going to talk about again creative ways to joy to seniors in your surrounding and we talked a little bit about that last week. But I want to really go into some things that have been going on in my neighborhood and Daphne’s neighborhood in ways that we can kind of engage the community, because a lot of us are sitting home with kids. We’ve got different things going on. And in the meantime, before we go to the next segment, jephite, how do we reach you? That’s the easiest. Is that my phone number, which is eight hundred and fifty five, seven three four fifteen hundred. Again, that’s eight fifty five, seven, three four fifteen hundred. Or you can reach us at our website, which is that Pinnaclem senior placement with an s at the endcom perfect. So everyone, dapny will be right back right after this. The preceding podcast was provided by pinnacles senior placements LLC and answers for elders radio. To contact pinnacles senior placements, go to Pinnacle Senior Placementscom.