Pre-Planning with Karin Taifour

*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.

The following is a podcast from a qualified senior care provider heard on the answers for elders radio show. And Welcome back to answers for elders radio everyone. I have a very special guest who has been with us before, by the name of Karen Typh and car and is with aging care consultation services and she has shared with us a lot about advanced directives in the past and we talked previously about healthcare, but I wanted to have her back and talk about, you know, advance care planning and be on the medical because healthcare is huge right car and so tell me a little bit and more and first of all, welcome to the program thank you, card. Tell me a little bit about beyond medical decisions. What does that mean right? Well, when people think of advance care planning, a lot of people think of a will. So will would be, of course, one of those pieces sure, which determines where do you want your assets to be distributed when you die? Trust or right? But what we’re talking about a durable power of attorney for finances, you know, the person that’s going to take care of any financial affairs if you’re not able to do so. They need to know what those financial assets are, where your bank account is, where you know where you’re savings or other investments are. So and I’m working with a client right now where there’s a considerable estate, over several million dollars. We don’t have any idea where the investments are because is that is so true and has been handled it and he eyed passwords in, you know, like online passwords to get into bank accounts. It’s it’s about where’s the safety to pause a box? People don’t know unless you tell them. So there’s so many things like that. Very true. Yes, or even where did you file? Do you have a copy of your last tax return? Where is that kept? You know where where your retirement accounts? So you have a pension house? Yes, it’s that. You’re in shot comments your rgers. Yeah, there’s so many things and so obviously that is a huge, huge piece of making sure that you your quote unquote, affairs or in order. Right. What do you advise and to actually do that? You know how to do that and and at the same time keeping those documents safe. Right, there’s something that you know, I’ve worked with clients all along with putting together binders of their information and a colleague of mine who I knew from graduate school. She’s Japanese and her families in Japan. She’s here and married an American. He doesn’t speak Japanese. Her parents don’t speak much English. So she’d put together a binder where the facing pages have one side is English and one side Japanese, but you capture all of the same information, wow, so that that way her husband would be able to help her parents if need be, or her parents would be able to see her information. And she calls it the life design notes and it we have a website for that called life design Notescom, where you can buy it. It’s only twenty five for the binder that comes with, comes with all the worksheets to you know, you can fill in one chapter at a time and it also it’s beyond just capturing your information and telling your family members where things are, but also what about what you’re doing now? What’s on your bucket list? What kind of life do you want to have? What kind of you know? Do you want to have a funeral? Do you want to be buried? You know, your ashes scattered somewhere where? So you want to be what I want to do and how do you want to be honored right and understanding that that ceremony, whatever that is, it’s for the loved ones that you know loved you and right it’s an important part of remembering you. Right. It’s not something to how many times to senior say I don’t want anything, you know, because they don’t want to burden their kids. Actually it’s a burden to their kids and not to have right, they don’t get that sense of closure correct. So the life design notes book, we also have a place to capture all the friends and acquaintances. So like think about lots of people have a holiday card list that they send out to all their friends. So having that all captured in one spot. And of course the other documents, you know, the the power of attorney, the will, the advance directives, those are all important as well. What I always suggest is that people have copies of those and you can have certified copies that are notorized to be an official copy, and have copies of those in and in that notebook, as well as to give copies to, of course, whatever agent you name in the documents. But then let’s I often recommend that folks involve an elder law attorney or an estate planning attorney so important, and that attorney could maintain the originals and then these official copies could be distributed. Right, and I always say you scan it or email it to yourself, take pictures of it with your phone so that you have it available to you, because if you know you’re you’re loved one ends up in the hospital, you’re running there. Are you going to stop by their housing at the documents? Know, and and you know, this brings up a lot because I remember when my mother was in her final days, okay, I didn’t even know if I should call her friends or not. You know, did she want to die in dignity and be alone, or did you want to see them before she passes away? Right, and sometimes it’s hard to make that decision without having those conversations. And I was really glad in my heart that mom and I had had those conversations, so I knew the people that were most close to her that she would want to see, and when it was at the end of her life, I knew who to call. But the thing is, after she passed, all I had was in a dress book. I didn’t know what her connection was to these people. Right, I didn’t know. You know. So I s to start going through your dress book saying, you know, my mother passed away. These are people that she had written down that knewer, maybe some more years ago that one time. Never had an acount tell you with right. So you don’t really necessarily know how that all evolves, right, what those connections are. So again, even having those kind of conversations of you know, who do you notify when I passed away? Right, were the people that need to know? What are my connections to them, so that you know you you have those, you know, those resources. And then the other thing really I think it’s also good to you know, who do they contact when people you know, to say, you know, well, my daughter, Susanne is going to take care of that. Those are all things obviously need to be discussed, right, assuming right, Yep. And I also say, you know, it’s not just about the medical decisions or the financial decisions, but it’s about your quality of life as well. Absolutely so, let’s say in your layer days that you’re not able to communicate as well, you’re not able to say what you want. My father loves classical music. If someone were to play rock and roll or cheesy s music, he would be in excruciating pain. Exactly. We want to know what kind of environment to solves and want words they age as well. So we’re talking to car and tie for and carn. You are the founder of aging care consultation services. Tell us a little bit about what you do. I do a lot of different things, but consultation is really the the key. I can do comprehensive assessments of folks at home. If we’re not sure what’s going on or there’s a diagnosis of dimension but we don’t know what to do, I can go into the home and, do you know, a really comprehensive evaluation, look at the medications, look at the home safety, look at how they’re doing in terms of managing their their daily life, as well as doing cognitive testing to see what kinds of things they might meet support with, and then giving recommendations and options to the person and their family. And then I also facilitate family meetings if family members or in conflict and trying to come to consensus around things. Hute right and that I also answer a lot of emails and phone calls, just answering questions and pointing people in the right direction, because there’s a lot of free resources out there for elders and for family caregivers and if I can point you in the direction of something free or something that’s covered by your health insurance, so important, so important and obviously you know at times of transition for families, just talking about your peace in this, how many times are family is all on the same page? Rare. Never. I think I’ve had one or two cases over the past for teen I was going to say I was being nice when I said verrely. It’s like, you know, son and daughter might say mom needs assist a living and I’m seeing her falling and mom is sitting there going I’m not going anywhere. And you know, it’s understanding that fear peace right, it’s understanding. And Son and daughter, don’t pressure her, because what’s going to happen if she’s going to dig your heels in more, but allow her to process this, and I think that’s the point is it’s a process. Everything is a process, and so to see, you know, just how that whole thing falls out. I know I have a dear friend right now that’s looking at moving into assistant living and she says, oh, it’s probably one and a half or two years away, but she’s starting to look and I think that’s great and I also think she goes I don’t know when I’ll be ready, and I said to her, you know what, you’ll know when the right time is. Nobody’s going to pressure you to do anything you don’t want to do, and even if they do pressure you, they can’t force you, know, to move. Now you are are laws in Washington state really protect our civil liberties, and that’s, yes, said to the lay, to the dismay of some family members. But and your privacy is an individual it’s like you will know when the time is right. Right, and I think the other thing that happens to is with mom with their heels dug in. Mom’s going to tell Karen things that she’s not going to tell her kids right, right, because she wants to put that front up. She’s the mother and the and you should stay the son and daughter. Don’t turn into this parenting your parent business, right, because it’s not going to go over well. Right, and I hear people say the word, the term role reversal now having to take care of your parents. I said, no, your supportive parents, they’re still your parents. You still have to have that respect and that you know, you have to defer to their authority of themselves. So, and I think that goes for anybody, whether it’s a sibling taking care of a sibling. You’re not their parent. Know you’re supporting them and I you know you’re right when people say you know well when role reversal or I even know of a couple of elder care providers. One it’s particular, that has the name of her business called parenting your parents, and I cringe every single time I hear that term. It’s like you should never, ever ever be in that position. It’s like you’re there to honor their wishes and help them, you know, age in the best way possible for their quality of life. Right, and but you know, sometimes their wishes aren’t yours, but it’s not your life. And I think there’s what we how we define the term parent has changed over time as well. Good for for my parents and that generation, a parent is the authority the past, the parents says what goes and there’s there’s no questioning that. And it’s very top down, you know, for my generation. I’ve got middle school and high school age kids now and it’s very much more of a we call it, you know, a collaborative and that I don’t want my kids run me over, but I’m going to talk with them about how we make decisions and why we’re making the decision this way. I’m not going to say because I told you so, right, which my mom’s generation did say that. And they don’t talk about difficult things. Right in your parents, our parents generation, right, you know, my mother was totally greatest generation, and you don’t talk about uncomfortable things. It’s very difficult. Yep, you know, you push things under the rug and you make sure that these things are protected. So make sure always to just sit down. So if I’m a want you know our listeners out here. How do you begin those conversations with a parent that is like ours? I think the most important thing is to find a time, not the holidays, not when things are rushed, not when there’s a big family event like a wedding or something. You’ve got to set aside the time when there’s nothing else going on, and I think you don’t blindside the person. You maybe write an email or say at the end of a family visit at one point say you know, I do want to set aside some time with you because there’s some hard questions that I want to that’s very good and I want to have the time for us to be able to talk about it as much as you would like. And you’re also giving them kind of the heads up that you know I’m going to want to talk about some some difficult things and if you can put some things in an email or provide them to them, you know, pay on paper so that they can look through them ahead of time and have some time to think, that will result in a much Richard Conversation when you do meet. That’s perfect. Thank you so much, carn so how do we reach you? I have a website, aging care consoltcom, and my phone numbers two thous six nine hundred and ninety nine five, ninety three four and I welcome folks to call her email with any questions and I’m happy to point you in the direction of free resources or things covered by your insurance, and you cover pretty much for skadget county all the way down to Thurston County, so do can certainly be available for families. But thank you still. Thank you so much for being on the show to thank you. Answers for elders radio show with Susan Newman hopes you found this podcast useful in your journey of navigating senior care, check out more podcast like this to help you find qualified senior care experts and areas of financial, legal, health and wellness and living options. Learn about our radio show, receive our monthly newsletter, receive promotional discounts and meet our experts by clicking on the banner to join the Senior Advocate Network at answers for elders, radiocom. Now there is one place to find the answers for elders