Now that our parents have moved, how do we relax together and how do we stay connected? Daphne Davis at Pinnacle Senior Placements explains that no conflict is worth coming apart at the seams with your family, and this discussion focuses on family healing, advocacy and communication.
View Episode Transcript
*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.
The following podcast is provided by pinnacles senior placements LLC and answers for elders radio. And welcome back everyone to answer for elders radio as we are closing out a very informative hour with our Wonderful Daphne Davis or and pinnacle senior placements. And Daphne, you’ve given me so much to think about in you know, as we’ve been talking about healing, it’s it’s a such an important process for families to deal with and you know, I think about our conversations about communication and about coming together and about advocacy and all of those things. It really shows me so much of what you do and why it’s so important. So I first before we’ve been start this final segment, I want to say thank you and tell our listeners you know, there is no conflict in the world that is worth coming apart at the seams about with your family. No, I I speak about this from my own personal experience. It’s probably a deep wound within myself that I have yet to be able to heal and still working on it, because it went that to that extreme. So you know, had we had somebody like Daphne, we wouldn’t be in this situation, and so I I want to encourage each and every one of you. If you have a loved one, please give Daphne a call. It costs you nothing to deal with her and yet it she will help you in numerous ways. So, with that and finishing the hour, I just want to say thank you to you. Well, you’re so welcome and thank you for those kind words, and it’s so true. Just let us come into your life. This can be an easier process than you can imagine if you allow somebody to walk with you. Buying mistakes are hard to get around. Should have, could have, would is are hard to let go, and so be informed and have the courage to make a phone call. It says, here’s my story. What do you think we should do? How could you best help us? Can you help us at all? I frequently say that we are an information post, and so if I can’t help you, I have resources over the twenty one years of doing this job to be able to get you to other people who can help you. that it doesn’t have to be done alone. And if there ever was a time to to ask for added support to keep families together, it is in the time of big changes for for your family dynamic. One of the things that I want to really drive home is no matter what happens in the course of the process of making big decisions within a fly, no matter what area they’re in, I encourage everyone to remember everything can be forgiven, not forgotten, but everything can be forgiven and everything can move to keeping a solid family. What that solid family looks like is different for every family. I mean some we have it. That the true, you know, Jimmy Stewart movie and we’re, you know, round the Christmas tree all together. Some it’s once a year on a family reunion. Some it’s a phone call, some it’s a birthday card, you know, annually, whatever it is in the connection, it’s still a connection and and there isn’t any shoulds. Know we should be doing this, but what’s right for your family right. And to accomplish that, let me just say that I believe in every family, all people involved always want what’s best for mom and dad. In this particular arena, I have never had a sibling and aunt and uncle, you know, a shirttail cousin ever, not want to say their two cents worth because they wanted to make life miserable for aunt betty. No, no, I wanted it to be good and they felt that their perspective, opinions and thoughts were important. So if everyone puts that as the first thing, that whoever speaking, it’s not from a place of meanness or some kind of resentment or revengeful behavior. People want the best for each other. They do keep that in mind as you’re hearing someone speak. Put the positive spin on it rather than the negative. It’s just like I went to a workshop on conflict resolution once and the first rule in conflict resolution is never question someone’s intent. That’s right and that I think happens a lot in families. They always think that there’s, you know, because there’s a dynamic happening in the background, that the intention is somehow, you know, you know, malevolent or or, you know, manipulative or has its own spin on it. And a lot of times what you’re saying is if you don’t question that intent and learn to just you know, you know, you have two airs and one mouth. So think about, you know, listening twice as much as you do speaking. That can that can go a long way. Yeah, it is putting the best spin on things. The other dynamic that comes through and because we are dealing mostly with coming to the end of life. We’re not starting with a newborn baby and see what everything’s going on, but we’re coming to the end of someone’s life eventually. Sometimes there can be historical things that are going on of relationships that have had a serious bump in it. Yeah, some real hurtful things that have been said. This is the time also to have the courage, the courage to bring up things that are still kind of stewing in you right, and this is this is a little bit on a spiritual side, but it’s not so much for the healing of the other person, but for you right, not yourself, heal. Let you, let resentments or the energy that you’re putting into some bygone happening be put to rest. You won’t forget it, but it can lose its power. And during this time, many times when someone is at death’s store, when and there you know, body is giving out, the very number one thing that has to happen for lots and lots and lots of people is the mending of some relationship, saying some kind of words. And so let this healing process, after you’ve gone through that the tumultuous decision of Yes, Mom and dad need make a change. What is the change going to be? You’ve decided on it, you’ve done it. Now your shoulders all can come down a little bit, relax, breathe. Have that situation that don’t want to call it crisis, but situation be taken care of and now look at your relationships within the family and let them be good. M and it reminds me of a workshop that I did, another kind of workshop on forgiveness, and forgiveness is doesn’t matter if the person has apologized to you or not it. What is important is is that you work on forgiveness, because you don’t need to hang onto that energy. And one of the exercises that we we are taught is that you know, you close your eyes and you say I see you, I release you in the name of love and that have that you know openly do that exercise within yourself, because learning to forgive is a huge piece of this. Whether it doesn’t matter that that person has not apologized, and that’s the thing, because there are hurtful things that happen in families, but if you decide to forgive and to release the energy, then that that energy is not happening between the two of you, even though they might have their issues. That’s okay, they have their issues your you’ve done your personal work and I think that goes on with your parent, because a lot of times our parents don’t see that you either the harm they have done to you or the hurt that they’ve caused in your life. They they did the best they could with the resources that they had and no parent is perfect, but you know, it’s like the it’s the point of having that ability to let go and to allow that process to happen in your own life. I think is really where the healing happens. Absolutely the other piece of that is to let the other people in that circle of forgiveness, of healing, yes, do it the way they need to do it. And so let’s think about our elders. You know, we may have eight thousand and ninety a hundred year old people here, and this is a generalization and you know so. Forgive me for the generalization, but sometimes I can be a little more stoic, less very much Ah, not saying all the words that we say today. In Two thousand and twenty one, I don’t want to talk about difficult things they’re going to expect and under the rug they’re not going to mention it, left at be, but know in their heart that they’ve heard. Whatever your words are, and the words that most people need to hear are, I love you absolutely, just plain and simple. Thank you, words of gratitude, words of endearment that are our sincere to. Really, in your own you are only responsible for your or actions and words. Whatever anybody else does with them is their business, but you be responsible for yourself and and if it’s a value in your family, even the smallest of value, to have a family structure of any sort, make it your litmus of is this some working our family structure, supporting our get being able to get together, and I sometimes a litmus can be. Would mom or dad want us to do this? Yeah, you know. Would this make mom smile? It would. Is it something I want to do? Not Really, but it’s something that my sibling really values. Therefore, our our relationship is stronger. It takes energy to have thing. The passing of generations. I know in my own family the passing of generations is front and Center for us. All of my grandparents have passed away and I come from a big family. My mom has nine siblings in their family, my dad and wow, and there’s a passing that’s happening. And US cousins, there’s a multitude of US cousins. I can imaginizing how do we hang on to that? So in that as siblings who have maybe had some some hard words or differing opinions, remember that you’re not the end. This is this is a family tradition, passing of generation. It’s it, yeah, said, passing of the torch to the next gear. Your part of a process. And I think the other thing that you really hit on, and I think it’s amazing, is it reminds me of an exercise just to just to have an conversation about thank you to a parent or to a sibling the end and find things that you can be grateful for for that relationship, because that helps people come together. When you talk about when you said I love you, but the other pieces, you know what, I really want to thank you for teaching me how to do this, or I want to thank you for encouraging me to take these steps in my life, or you made a big impact on my life in this way and let people know that they matter and I think that’s the key to finding that bridge, that where people can come together. Yes, it is. I know I start my day with with trying to come up with two or three things that I’m grateful for that day and I’ll share with mine what today was and I was. It’s hard. Sometimes I feel really trite in coming up with something that’s grateful, but today it was thank you for Vailing village or turning my stuff into someone else’s treasures. I love that. I love that you know even like that, but I think in changing your perspective of love and gratefulness can go a long way. Well, I want to thank you for being such a loving presence in not only my life but in the lives of so many families here in the Pacific Northwest, and so definitely, how do we reach you? Eight hundred and fifty five, seven hundred and thirty four, one thousand five hundred is a direct line, and then also you can reach us at a pinnacle senior Placementscom and I want to thank each and every one of you for hanging in there with Daphne and I. and most important, I’m going to say that Daphne and I are very thankful for our listeners. And all of the people that are with us the sour think about your family, thinking about healing. What can you do to be thankful for not only today, but also how can you build that Bridge to people that you may need to forgive and to let go of the hurt that is binding you in your life? So until next week, everyone be good to each other. The preceding podcast was provided by pinnacles senior placements LLC and answers for elders radio. To contact pinnacles senior placements, go to Pinnacle Senior Placementscom.
Listen to More Answers for Elders with Suzanne Newman
Keep an eye out for future Answers for Elders podcasts on the Senior Resource Podcast Network! Thanks for listening, and be sure to keep scrolling for more articles by Suzanne. For more AFE podcasts, visit AnswersforElders.com and subscribe on your favorite platform!
Founder and CEO of Answers for Elders, Inc., Suzanne Newman proclaims often, “Caring for my mom was the hardest thing I ever have done, but it was also my greatest privilege.” Following a career of over 25 years in sales, media, and marketing management, Suzanne Newman found herself on a 6-year journey caring for her mother. Her trials and tribulations as a family caregiver inspired an impassioned life mission outside of the corporate world to revolutionize the journey that so many other American families also find themselves on. In 2009, she became the founder and CEO of Answers for Elders, Inc., subsequently hosting hundreds of radio segments and podcasts, as well as authoring her first book. Suzanne and Answers for Elders, Inc. have spent 14 years, and counting, committed to helping families and seniors along their caregiving journeys by providing education, resources, and support. Each week on the Answers for Elders podcast, Suzanne is joined by vetted professional experts in over 65 categories including Health & Wellness, Life Changes, Living Options, Money, Law, and more. Suzanne lives in Edmonds, Washington with her husband, Keith, and their two doodle dogs, Whidbey and Skagit.