Staying Connected Before the Move, with Daphne Davis

*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.

The following podcast is provided by pinnacles senior placements LLC and answers for elders radio. And welcome back, everyone, to answers for elders radio and we are here again with our wonderful and incredible Daphne Davis from pinnacles senior placements. And Daphne, welcome back to this very important topic healing. You know, it’s it’s so powerful and the things that you’re talking about. You know, there’s so many things that you mentioned that hit home. I think it’s how two families come together and I think that this is a like you said, it’s a process, is it not? It is, it is a process. You know, we’ve talked about some of the things that are leading up to a move or making a decision and some of the dynamics that can happen within a family. So now they’ve made a decision and you’re ready to logistically make a move, hang on, everybody. The family still needs to come together. We still need to have our patients, because now it’s like dreaded move. You know, what goes with MOM and dad? What doesn’t go with MOM and Dad? Should they be there? Shouldn’t they be there? Should they be involved. Know that’s too many chairs in the living room. I mean there’s all kinds of things that it’s even to the point. I’ve should mom or dad live in an adult family home or a senior living community? Which who is going to who were is Mam and dad going to be closest to in the family? There’s all, you know, people have these processes of you know, how do we diplomatically and collaboratively come together on a solution that works? And that’s anything the big point, Yep, and that’s where an advisor can really help you focus on. What are the family’s highest values? You know, is it that someone can stop by every day and see them? Is it that you know sister Susie is the one that’s closest and she’s been doing all the doctors visit? So let’s make sure that you know they’re closest to her. Rarely do I have someone decide on a location that’s central to everyone, because then it’s not easy for anybody. Sure no one’s really close by. So there are lots and lots, and thank you for bringing that up to Isan, because there are so many decisions that go into making that final decision. But around the subject of healing. This is a time that, you know, somebody might think, well, your kids are available, why can’t you know, add them? And but and you know they’ve got strong backs, let’s use them to move and you know, for some reason, why do we move Mama Dad in with with you know, Mary and they can live in the basement, not realizing that the basement is not a good solution. So there’s all different types of scenarios and I know that. You Know How many times that I talk to families and they’ll say, well, you know, I was thinking that they just move in with my sister and I’m going like, okay, well, how big is the bathroom? You know, does your sister want to do a home remodel and the process? Does your sister have training to be able to transfer? Or, you know, if what, if there’s a fall, how can you you know, how do you get them in and out of the house? Or they’re stairwells are there’s all different types of scenarios that happen and I look at this and I think to myself, you know, they’re there are a lot of considerations at families don’t think about they go right to well, they could just go live with this person, but they don’t think it through, and I think this is where you come in to the picture and recognize and I think the other conversations that I’ve had with people lately, which is interesting, is I’ll say, you know what about an adult family home, and people will go, I don’t know anything about them and you know, I don’t trust them or and I’m going like, you know, I used to be in that club, but I’ve changed my opinion about that and I’ll tell you why I’ve changed my opinion about that, and then I explain to them about working with somebody like you. What happens is is that you will determine what is the best according to the highest value, and that’s I think when we talk about advocacy, we’re not talking about our own values, but what the value is of your loved one, whoever that is. And I think that’s the thing that I think we miss so often is that, you know, I think mom should be in this fancy community. Mom may not care about the fancy community right. Mom May want to be in a home where there’s less people and more attention and where that she has her own room and she can, you know, be comfortable where she doesn’t have to be in this more structured or larger environment. And again, all of those things are, you know, they’re variable’s right, they’re big variables. And you bring up a really good point, because I continue, and I don’t keep this a secret, the best form of care for anyone that has any physical or mental challenges is adult family homes. HMM. It’s just a matter of finding the right personality of home, correct and the home that fits your highest values. Now there are some exceptions to that rule and assisted living or a memory care maybe appropriate, but I love adult family homes. They’re I do too, and you know, the more and more that I have learned about them is and as far as the needs, and especially for seniors that have been isolated, it can be overwhelming to go from a quiet, you know, one, you know, one on one situation in in your you know, in your family home that you’ve been you know, raise your family and to all of a sudden being in a community where there’s, you know, eighty other resonance. It’s a huge transition, especially if you’re dealing with a little bit of dementia or a little bit of you know, overwhelmed. Sometimes it’s just too much the and it could actually close them down. I’m not saying that that’s the case for all seniors. There’s a lot of singers that are social butterflies and they like the activities and they want the large communities, and I think those are great too, and and I’m a big fan for that. But it’s amazing how many times that you know, the more and more you learn about a family, because you ask the right questions, death need not the family because they don’t know the right questions. That’s right. What happens is is that it because the solutions become clear and it also helps the family come together on a proper solution. Yeah, I mean, yes, exactly what happens. And just to kind of put the bow around this, this little Vignette, generally, if someone can advocate for themselves strongly, if they can say what they want, know what they want and know how to ask for what they want or need, and if they have good safety, awareness and judgment, HMM, I believe in assisted living can be very successful. Absolutely. If either of those things are missing, you will run into isolation, you will run into falls or developed behaviors because because they aren’t out and about, everyone has a desire to have a picture of a full life for their mom or dad, and the easiest place to see that is with other people. But not every personality needs other people to have a full life, and so smaller environment sometimes are needed. And someone who, I’m going to say this word I don’t very often, but someone who might be stubbornly independent, may need to have eyes on them so that they are safe rather than thinking, Oh, I can do that, I did in my bad yeah, you might be, can’t be. You have to have somebody who’s there to see that. You know, George needs a little extra help without him knowing he’s getting extra help. In the stand the staff ratio is huge and all the family. That’s one, three people. Yeah, one, two, three people. In most homes there’s a maximum of six to eight people in an adult family home. They’re fabulous. The flexibility is incredible. If there are food limitations, I mean, oh my goodness, it’s the place to be. If there’s a desire to have oatmeal every single day and we know what six raisins in it, they can happens. It’s it’s amazing. Yeah, so there are lots of decisions, but around that time, you know in that quote. Healing process is to get through the logistical time of move and and to be grounded in yes, we’ve made a good decision because because we stayed focused on what’s best for mom and dad’s quality of life and their safety. That’s like the litmus. This pertinent to their quality of life and they’re safety. If not, it’s probably wrapped in your personal value system. So You keep talking about communication, you did in the first part of this hour, and you know, my my feeling is, when I’m looking at this and I think about it’s really communication. It’s you also can help them cover all basis that they may not think about so that there can be a plan in place, so people know what’s going to happen, and that can eliminate a lot of the you know, the consternation and the conflict. I mean, I mean I’m sure that that’s a big piece of that. Is that not that? And and usually that conversation comes in terms of what is the value in terms of an another move? It’s another move, okay with you. Sure you the families? is another move okay with mom and dad. Do we know that this next move is a stepping stone, because likelihoods and statistical basis of disease processes may need a higher level of care and if you’re okay with that, let’s do the stepping stones, but let’s also be prepared. Of what does that mean, and not just emotionally and physically moving, but what does that mean in their financial plan? Right? Are we maximizing their financial estate right? That’s key. How do we maximize the buying power of their estate that we’re fiscally responsible and don’t get caught short without options at any point. We’re having no options. Is Not a good place to be. solutely absolutely and feeling like you have no options because of stories you may have heard from other people or you know it, may not understand the resources that are available to you. This is where you’re you know. You come in and you can ease so much stress. Just the financial piece alone is huge it and and also just looking at working together with your siblings. I’m going to just make one last comment. It’s like, you know you have to leave your ego at the door, and that means sometimes you don’t have to you don’t always have to be right. And I’m telling myself this because I was the worst offender in my family, not realizing that, you know, when you start talking about you know, that person that is pragmatic and takes charge of things and and this is the way it’s going to be. That was me in the family and the rest of my family was like to it’s okay, and it was like and my mom, which was interesting, is she was a take charge person, but she was a very passive personality. So, you know, she would tend to be more, you know, diplomatic and let everybody have their say, but when it came down to when we had to get things done, then she would put the pressure on me to get it done right. So she was almost the offender of the conflict and it’s a good point. It’s a good point to your ego at the door. You know this, you know and it’s frustrating. But anyway, in the meantimed out, how do we reach you on a phone number? You reaches at eight hundred and fifty five, seven hundred and thirty four, one thousand five hundred, and you can also reach us through our website, which is Pinnacle Senior Placementscom. Awesome. Well, you know what, we’re going to finish out this hour with a lot of information about healing and I certainly want everyone to sit back and think about you know, what is it like in your family? How can you come together? What can you do to bring about peace in your family? And we’ll be right back bet after this. The preceding podcast was provided by pinnacles senior placements LLC and answers for elders radio. To contact pinnacles senior placements, go to Pinnacle Senior Placementscom