Sue Stults, author of “Reaching Beyond the Rail”

*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.

The following is a podcast from a qualified senior care provider, part on the answers for elders radio show. And Welcome back to answers for elders radio everyone. We are here with published author Sue stalts. And Sue, you are a former family caregiver. Yes, you wrote a book called reaching beyond the rail the blood, sweat and tears of caring for mom and Dad. Yeah, thank you for being here and caregiver month, we thank you. Honored to have you here and really to reach out to so many family caregivers that are here to struggling with how do you do right by mom and dad? How do you do the right thing? And so thank you for being here. Thanks for having me. It is a challenge to care for an ill or aging parent. My bookop but also many other stories of families that I have walked with, and stories are different, but a lot of times they’re similar, similar things in there that we walk through, and so I just found that as I walk through the death of my father, the way he announced his cancer and all the things that were learned through that process, it was overwhelming, sure, and so then in the next ten years walking with my mom, both my parents, my inlaws and over thirty five other people and of life they there are so many things to be learned and we just don’t know where to find it. And so with my book I bring encouragement. I also bring tools that the family can learn, because when we have a family member that gets a diagnosis, that diagnosis and everybody goes right. As I’m talking to you, Susanne, I see you traveled back in you’re thinking that diagnosis, whatever it is. We get so many different people that are involved with that loved one. A dynamic happening and it can be good and it can be bad. I’ve seen families that pulled together and I’ve seen families separate. I have an unavailable sibling and so I talked about that and what that journey looks like. We walk through, whoever’s involved with that loved one, we walk through a grief period, and so I addressed that because grief is a real process that we feel and I’ve realized that grief is not just reserved for someone’s death exactly. It can be a dream, it can be a promotion that we don’t have and grieve the life that you used to have, betorely, and and the thing that I think what you’re saying, and certainly it’s true for me and true for so many people, is the feelings of guilt or the feelings of I should have done better if I knew better, and her, now that I know what I know today, why didn’t I do it right the first time? And you know, I know so many families that you know, family caregivers that I speak to, and you know they want to do right by their parent and they will, they will turn their lives upside down to do that. But maybe based on a comment a long time ago that mom or dad said, don’t ever put me in a home, quote unquote rack, and so what ends up happening is because of that, that pledge that they made to their parent, they’re they’re having a hard time coming to grips with. But I need to do right by my parent and I know the better a step would be to put them in a situation, you know, find a place where they have better care than what I can personally provide. And this is the dynamic that goes on with families constantly and having those difficult conversations. How do you do that with well, I do tell families I start difficult conversations because we do make those promises or we think we can do this just a bit longer. And I call my mom, she graduated about two or three times from hospice and I call her the inner energizer buddy. Right. But I was depleted and it took the hospice nurse to look me square in the eye and say, sue, this is not a sprint, it’s a marathon, and I realized I could very good at yes, I could not continue in the speed that I was going and so I talked to families about caregiver burnout. I also talk about the scenario, and it’s in my book, About Moving Dad and the guilt around that, making that choice. And we all know nobody can care for our mom or dad better than we can. But the reality is you need to recognize how far you can go and is their need greater than what you can give them? And we all don’t. We look at what we have today and think, Oh, I can handle this, but things change and as family members we’re out, and I always say this, we all come with the pull date Susanne. We never know when that date is or the hour, but we’re all have that and so some people pull that pull date is a lot sooner in an illness or aging than it is for others, and there comes a time that maybe we cannot provide that care for a loved one. And that’s where I help families recognize maybe it’s time you be the caregiver, the loved one on the bedside, holding your loved one’s hand, and let somebody else, that’s so important, take care of all that work. Continue to be the son or the daughter. Yes, put the difficult situations in the hands of a professional. One of the things that that I always say is you should never, ever ever parent your parent. I guarantee, Garant Oh, I am with you and and if I may say, there is no time to reprimand or discipline your parent. I ty ever about never. And there is elder abuse, and I have exactunded I sadly, yes, more often with families, and it is about providers. And that’s the thing that I think that that the world doesn’t realize. They don’t and and and many times it might not be an intentional thing, but it happens absolutely. So we are talking again to South stalts and she is the published author of reaching beyond the rail, the blood, sweat and tears of caring for mom and Dad. So tell us a little bit about how we can get your book. Well, my book is so fresh off the press, I’m so excited about and at this point in time the best way is to go to my website and you can contact me there and then I can get back to you and find out where you want your book sent, how many want and if you want to send them to cousin John Across the United State, that I do that as well. So, sue, what is your website? My website is personal health care advisorcom. Okay, www dot personal healthcare advisorcom. So, sue, one of the things I think that caregivers are trying to do, and I think this is something that you’re definitely addressing in the book, is you’re kind of that person that is the calm in the storm. Our needs to be the lase of the storm, you know, as human nature, and is human creatures are psyche, is to resist change. Yes, as our parents get older, they become more vulnerable, they hang on even tighter to what is most familiar. Yes, so that means their home, their possessions, their relationships, their dynamics, of what they you know, they’re going to give you the same old tapes from, you know, twenty years ago, that you did this to them twenty years ago. Uh, and, and so the hard part for a caregiver is, I think, and and really the most important thing is to do the work on yourself. Yes, because it’s really it’s not about your parent anymore. And, like what we talked about with this whole thing, if you don’t Paar a your parent, you don’t take it out on your parent. It all comes back to number one, and that’s taking personal responsibility for yourself in this dynamic of the relationship. I always coach families that you will never ever be anything but a daughter or a son period. You’re not going to be. You know, you may think that you’re in charge and really trying to usurp that dynamic. Yes, is going to be a bad thing. So what you need to do is operate from the fact a personal responsibility and understanding that that parent will always be your mom or your yes, and you always see their child. Yes, and I think one of the things that you really address in your book, which I’m really excited to know more about, is tell us about that dynamic and tell us a little bit about why that’s important. Well, you know, as our parent ages, we do find that role reversal starting to happen and, as I said earlier, whether you like it or not, and I think as children we always look at mom and dad as the leader, the boss, and then, as we see them make some choices that maybe are not of good choice, as they get older, we do come in and I agree, you’re never to parent your parent because they’ve always been the parent. You just now are assuming a role of, can we say, just an overseer. My whole premise when I come into families and throughout my book I talk about the respect, honor and dignity in my company. That is the biggest those are the three words, and so dealing with your loved one, we have to operate in that respect, the honor and dignity mode. We also need to show it when we’re at the doctor’s office, at the grocery store. We are also seen by the rest of our family and even our our children as how we show that to our parents. You are a team player, but you also have other roles as well. Absolutely, and I think you know, as another published author, I call the respect honor dignity factor. Be Their advocate, you know, be that person that understands that it’s their life, not yours, and what you know, you’re there to you know, to rally and to understand and that piece of what’s most important to them, whatever their values. Yes, what is you know, and that’s part of that respect factor. I think that you’re you fer too. That I love and that’s so awesome. Were so much on the same page. I can hardly wait to read your book. I will definitely be doing so. So, sue, how do we reach you? You can reach me at my website as well, at wwosal healthcare advisor, and I will connect with you. At that point in time we can order the books. I’m running a special awesome by three, get one free, nice and I have found people love that because they’ve got brothers and sisters that need to share it. Awesome. Well, I’m so glad you were on the show today. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you. We’re just thrilled about your book. Thank you so much. Answers for elders radio show with Susan Newman. Hopes you found this podcast useful in your journey of navigating senior care. Check out more podcast like this to help you find qualified senior care experts and areas of financial, legal, health and wellness and living options. Learn about our radio show, receive our monthly newsletter, receive promotional discounts and meet our experts by clicking on the banner to join the Senior Advocate Network at answers for elders, radiocom. Now there is one place to find the answers for elders.