Supporting Caregivers, Part 3, with Daphne Davis

*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.

The following podcast is provided by pinnacles senior placements. Ll See and answers for elders radio. And Welcome back everyone, to answers for alders radio. And we’re here again with Daphne Davis From Pinnacle Senior Placement and of course, you were always here death. Need to support our family caregivers. One of the life lines, I think, that I had as a family caregiver was the people around my mom. I got coached on how to deal with her, with with dementia. I got coached on, you know, on how to deal with, you know, when hard questions come up, like, you know, where’s my where’s your father? And your father’s been dead, you know, for a long time. How do you how do you handle the hard things? And I think one of the things you’ve been great for, Wonderful for, is coaching families even before they need care, to get them to that point, and certainly I know you’re available for that, and so we want to make sure that our listeners know that you know. All I have to just pick up the phone and deafney and her staff are, you know, there for us. So you have two more tips in this last segment that I really want to talk about, and I they kind of go hand in hand. But the next one you have is first of all, let me just go through the one. Number One, passed to b time, great sleep, which I think we’ve talked about. Number two, allow for different styles of personalities, which is really good. Three, keep finances separate, which is really important. For number far, we’re going to talk about keep healthy boundaries. Wow, especially for a caregiver. That’s a big one. Is it’s hard. It’s in in a caregiver’s natural personality to do the and then some and to give of themselves and to make life a little easier for someone else. And this really is going to fall, I think, into categories one, your boundaries with the people that you’re caring for and to the boundaries of expectations of other people who have opinions about how your parents should be cared for. And so those two CAn’ts. I want to start with the one with with the people you’re caring for, your parents. That’s our assumption today, that you’re caring for your parents, and sometimes you can get those phone calls when you’ve gone home or all of a sudden, in a rect irrational thought process of one of your parents. It can be I you know, I need her she candy bars right now, tomorrow, and you have no time in your schedule to get her she candy bars. It sounds like a trite example, but it happens. Know that you can say no, yeah, that you can gracefully say, Gosh, mom, I know that’s really important to you and I will put that on the grocery list. I’m going to the grocery store on Thursday. We make that work. I know, what’s that stuff to make some chocolate chip cookies at home. Would you like to do that today? You know that redirection kind of thing. But it’s okay to say the the no word, that it’s just not going to work. You know, I learned with my experience. I used to go on Tuesdays and Friday to see my mother and every other weekend that was my that’s when I would go to when she was a skilled nursing or whatever. So and there was times my mother, because she had a little bit of dementia, she’d can say I need, you know, milk right or I need I need a candy bar, or I need this or I need that. That’s a great thing for us to do on Tuesday mom when I come, you know, and she goes all on nights, and then I would say then we can go out for lunch. How would you like that? Immediately it was like okay, and mom learned that I wasn’t going to jump and it was okay, yeah, it is okay, because it will come things that you have to jump for you right now a lot of people are caring for their parents and their homes, and so things happen. You know, then can decide not to kick on exactly folks because gutterfolds down, because it has been emptied. Says exactly. Make exceptions, but the things that you don’t have to, quote, jump for fet be confident that you don’t have to meet their every Beck and call. Your boundaries are good. It’s also good for your family then. You know, let’s just start with your immediate family, your children, your your spouse, whatever, whoever that is, they know they can count on on Wednesday’s Mom’s available for me on Wednesday. That’s the day that we have our date night. You know, whatever your schedule is right, it’s important for you to stay true to it, not only for yourself but for your immediate family. Boundaries are fine. And good and healthy or caregiver. They can feel awkward, they can feel like you’re dropping the ball. Yeah, exactly. You’re being centered. I think too, it gives your loved one an opportunity to find something to look forward to. You know, because I used to just drop everything at you know, at the half. I got myself burned out. And what of the happening was? Is that? Because my mom just always knew I was there. It was hard to her to bond with people number one in our community because she had me every day, and I actually am very grateful that that. The nurse at the front desk, you know where she was living. She said see him, you don’t need to go come here every day. Please don’t. A matter of fact, a lot of communities recommend you don’t visit for the first two weeks, when when they move in, so that they get an opportunity to get settled into a routine. So it’s healthy boundaries. Is Important and I think that’s in and you know, I remember feeling burned out and I said to my mom, I go I hate to do this to you, but I need two weeks off and I’ll see you in a couple weeks and you know, my mom was like, Oh, it’s okay, honey, it’s okay, you take your time. So I was lucky that my mom didn’t understand. But I understand that it’s okay. Obvious it’s boundaries are healthy in terms of your family members. Sometimes you’re going to get suggestions from from other people who come and visit, and the people who come to visit your your charges, your parents. Yeah, they hear different stories than you here. Yeah, getting observations than you have, and it is okay to listen to their observations. It is not okay for them to tell you you should be doing something, should coulding again. What is not okay that they can, you know, offered come. You know what, if you’d like to have mom go out and and plant the tulips, Sunday is a really bright sunny day, howbit if you make time in your schedule and go help her. Right you know, and it doesn’t have to become the feeling that I’ve just brought up in the ball my sister doesn’t think I’m really enough job. Instead, just turn it around and say in my own mind that I can’t do anything outside right now. I am taking care of mom and dad inside the house, if it’s the visiting, you know, to a community and you’re the person who is supporting their needs, and outside of the community, if it’s not going to work for a given week because you’ve got other things going on with your personal life, it’s okay for you to ask for help and to say clearly, I can’t do this if someone else can’t pick up the ball. It’s okay for you to say, just like you said, I need two weeks break. Yeah, a boundary. It’s okay, it’s healthy. And that takes us to our last tip for Daph me. Take Care of you. First, big God for caregivers. Yes, it is. And and for caregivers, lots of people that are listeners right now are probably going, I don’t even know what that means. How do I take care of myself? What does that look like? And the first you, anybody else, it’s bad to do that when, a lot of times, jamily caregivers have, you know, children that made me, you know, fill at home, or or grandchildren. You probably flavorably, have a husband or a spouse that you’re having to be there for. Plus now you have a senior loved one and you might have an aunt or an uncle also that you’re there for. Right, right. It’s that sandwich generation that most of US bloomers are in. You know, it’s hard sometimes to think how do I even begin to take care of myself right? And so a tip I would give you, if you just go to that place the saying, I don’t even know what that means. Take care of myself first. What does that mean? Think about your hobbies. Have a list of hobbies that you do, things that give you joy. I mean you might need a refrigerator list the things that give you joy and if you haven’t done those in the last thirty days or in the last seven days or the last twenty four hours, whatever that item is, I suggest that you have a nice little checkmark behind it, because you’re going good, because that’s a place for you to start. If reading a book is is something that gives you joy, make sure you’ve got some checkmarks behind that that I did read the book. I you know, I sat down my favorite TV show. You know are or or you know, in my case, I have roses and and I love my Rose Garden in the sprint, you know, on the summer and fall and all the different things that you can do as a you know, hobbies, the things that you love. Pets are wonderful for that. They have a beloved pet. Those are great hobbies. And get involved in groups of you know, networking. And I think the other thing is is is don’t forget to connect with your friends. I think you know, I go right back to what we really talked about initially, when we talked about you know, when you’re dealing with burnout and all these things, it’s okay to reach out and ask for help, to say I need some laughter, I need your help. You know I need to and that’s, I think, where your friends can be so important. Right. I want to go back to that. Giving it shape, though, well, know, to have that list. You know, if you’re organized person, maybe the spread sheet is what you need. And to have a physical date. I love that, a physical check mark to highlight it, whatever works for you so that you know you are doing it and it’s at you can go to. That says, I don’t even know what would go would give me joy right now. Right maybe it’s to get in your car and, you know, go look at the sound, so it’s your favorite park. Maybe it is to have quality time with your husband and you haven’t had date night and you know it’s whatever that date night looks like for you. Make it happen, but then you don’t have to have the energy to say I don’t know what gives me joy. All of these things are amazing. So how do we reach you? Best way is that my my website at Pinnacle Senior Placementscom, first of all, because you’ll see all of our podcasts, you’ll see lots of information about who we are as a company and can reach out to us at our website. And you can also call us at eight hundred and five, five seven, three four one thousand five hundred. That’s eight hundred and fifty, five seven, three four one five hundred, and you will get a live person just about every time you call. Well, we’re so excited always to have you on the program and also, Daphne is in your back pocket everyone. She is part of our library on so many platforms right now that we have just loaded onto. We’re on apple PODCASTS, were on spotify, we’re on tune in, we are on stitcher. Where on you name at Google podcast. So all you need to do, obviously, is find our channel. You can also very soon be able to locate our channels on our website and you can go right there and you can sign up for getting podcasts and being and subscribing to our program and absolutely we will always be here for you on Saturdays at one and until next week, everyone be good to each other. The preceding podcast was provided by pinnacles senior placements LLC and answers for elders radio. To contact pinnacles senior placements, go to Pinnacle Senior Placementscom.