Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe): "If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please."
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off."

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven, Scotland.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- "Woven in Scotland.'"

An old-timer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the young acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the old-timer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy." Lesson: Never, ever, assume that the young whippersnapper knows what he's doing .


We went to the movies the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually
Just as the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center
her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta
she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient,
this a little earlier?" "No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF
message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

Modern euphisms and acronyms for 2004
from a list from C. Brock

WOOF'S: Well-Off Older Folks.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the begeezes out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

senior financials


LTC insurance

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs,they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw on the computer screen...

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!

I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

The way things were.......
I was talking to my Dad about current events the other night. I asked him what he thought about the shootings at schools, our immoral President, the computer age and just things in general.
He replied, "Gee, let me think a minute...................
I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the Pill."
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me 'sir'"; and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title 'sir"".
"In our time, closets were for clothes, not for 'coming out of'. Sundays' were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and just visiting with your neighbors. We were before gay-rights, computer dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy."
"Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong, and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege. Living here was a bigger privilege."
"We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. And time sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends, not condominiums."
"We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yogurt or guys wearing ear rings. We listened to the 'big bands', Jack Benny and the Presidents' speeches on the radio. I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey."
"If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizzas, McDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 and 10 cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a street car, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to 'splurge' you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail a letter and two postcards."
"You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one. Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon."
"In my day 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot'; was something your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby. 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office, a 'chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store and software wasn't even a word."
"We were not before the difference between the sexes was discovered, but we were surely before the sex change, 'Billy' had two mommy's and pornography was in a family home and at newsstands. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby." "No wonder people today call us old and confused, and there is such a generation gap. .....and I'm only 53!!!!
".....did you dig that Son?!

    Seen on a bumper sticker
    I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Tech Support Request
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 and Beer Bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
Jonathan Powell

Dear Jonathan Powell,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING: DO NOT TRY to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony/child support." Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs. This can lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the "apologize" button then the "reset" button as soon as lock-up occurs. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

    Beverly Berger

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "We've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure Microsoft accomplishments against General Motors. His comparison went like this:

If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V/32 instead of a V8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour (160,000km/hr).

Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to the gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker of the new car would be less than $50.00.

In response to all this goading, GM responded:

"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes 4 times a day?!"

If Microsoft built cars...
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this and drive on.

Occasionally, your car would stop and fail to restart, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.

You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or a CarNT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.

Would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, twice as easy to drive: but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.


Deep Thoughts about Computers

  • Buy a Pentium 586 so you can reboot faster.

  • Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

  • My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

  • Best file compression around: "DEL"=100% compression

  • The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

  • Access denied "nah nah na nah nah"

  • C:/ Bad command or file name: Go stand in the corner.

  • Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command

  • Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

  • Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?

  • RAM disk is not an installation procedure.

  • All computers wait at the same speed.

  • ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

  • On a clear disk, you can seek forever.

  • Remember when.......
    A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note...
    A window was something you hated to clean...
    Ram was the cousin of a goat...
    Meg was the name of a girlfriend...
    A gig was a job for the night

    Now they all mean different things.
    An application was for employment...
    A program was a TV show...
    A cursor used profanity...
    A keyboard was a piano...

    Memory was something that you lost with age...
    A cd was a bank account..
    If you had a 3 1/2" floppy you hoped nobody found out...
    Compress was something you did to the garbage not to a file...
    And if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while...
    Log on was adding wood to the fire...
    Hard drive was a long trip on the road...
    A mouse pad was where a mouse lived..
    And a backup happened to your commode.

    Cut you did from class...
    Paste you did with glue...
    A web was a spider's home...
    And a virus was the flu.

    I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead.

            Slemo Warigon, UCSB

  • You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

  • You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again.

  • You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

  • You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

  • You name your children Eudora and Dotcom.

  • You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

  • You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.