Ten Principles with Chuck and Suzanne, Part 3
In this special four-part episode, Chuck Olmstead speaks with Suzanne Newman about the Top Ten Advocacy Principles as well as what Answers for Elders stands for.
View Episode Transcript
*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.
This is answers for elders radio and we’re excited today in that I’m interviewing Suzanne Newman and I’m chuck holmsted here at the radio station. and Suzanne, you’ve been giving some great tips on being a great advocate. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, and this comes out of your book that you have written, isn’t it? And tell me a little bit about that book. My the name of my book is called the advocates heart, finding your real strength while caring for aging loved ones, and it’s really comes out of my own story of six years of taking care of my mom and what I learned since as I formed the company answers for elders, and we have been now live on the Internet for about nine years now and doing the radio. So now our one year and we’re here and that’s great. You know, just a review. In the first segment we talked about dealing with difficult conversations up fronts and then we talked about avoiding caregiver burn out and learning how to track our finances separately and being proactive when we talk about these issues with our parents. Are Setting up services ahead of time instead of trying to find things when there’s an emergency and then being educated is the next thing that we really need to be educated, and that’s part of what this programs about. is absolutely I believe, and this is the thing, a lot of families they put their head in the sand. It’s not going to happen to me or I’ll deal with it later. I will say when I talk to a lot of people that I know and say, Oh, well, it’s great work you do, Suzanne, my parents are doing fine. Well, what does that mean to me? And and knowing that mom or dad are fine is one thing, but what do you know about what the road lies ahead when that day comes? And so, you know, I really believe not only is it important, it’s a responsibility as an adult child of an aging loved one to understand, you know, what our financial options what is if there’s a if there’s a care plan right now, if they’re dealing with maybe some heart issues or some, you know, dementia or Alzheimer’s, understand the progression of the disease, what the potential crossroads will be. The other challenges is where to find the right information if you don’t know, and that’s one of the things I think that we do really well and answers for elders, as we have the four major headings of between financial, legal, we have a housing options, we have health and wellness and we have life changes or living options. So you know, as people go through transitions in life or whatever, we have resources to help educate. Well, I have to say, you know, this has been an education for me. I mean I talked about my father and so the financial part and trusts and and will, all that sort of thing was ingrained to my mine. But you know what happened after last week’s seminar? What? We went online and to our to our clinic are and we’ve downloaded our medical directives good and we’ll be starting, will be filling those out. And you have to have two people who are not your relatives or medical providers. And well, you know, we’re making plans as far as WHO’s going to sign those medical directives, because that’s something that we don’t have. My wife and I don’t have, you know, and it’s very different. Lot of people think, well, I signed one in the hospital. No, that is not the right I mean just because you have signed a healthcare directive in the hospital doesn’t necessarily mean anything. It could mean that you know if you’re if you’re that’s only a not one institution. You could be on a trip somewhere. MMM, you have to have that legal document that protects you all across. Yeah, I’m out of whether the recommendation is. Is that. You know, we not only file it with our doctor, but we also provide copies to loved ones as well so that they know what our wishes are. Correct, you know, as far as some it’s called a living will or some sort of a medical directive that people will abide by as far as what we want to have happened. So I’m getting educated to I know you are, and I keep teasing you saying you’re going to be an expert by the time where I’m learning through answers for elders, for sure. So always offered choices when communicating, when you were dealing with your mom, what did you learn as far as dealing with those things and helping her? Well, this was interesting because when I had to have the talk with my mom, saying you need to sell your house and we need to move you and assisted living, that’s pretty much what I told her. You told her pretty much said, mom, I got it all handled. This is what we’re going to do, being bing bing. I mean it was. And how well do you think that went over? About like a lead balloon. It’s like wait a minute, no, no, no, you’re not going to tell me what I’m going to do. Right, you know, and I learned really quick that for me to take charge of her or tell her how things are going to be, I don’t care if she had, you know, as even as her dementia started to progress a little bit, you know, I still it was that dynamic of them. Not only that, but she’s the parent, right so when you go in and you communicate with respect by offering choices, this is an example of how I should have handled the conversation. You know, mom, I’m here because here’s here’s what happened last week. Okay, with the reason why I’m not sleeping very well, because I’m worried about you. I know you took a fall last week. I know that there’s been some challenges and you calling and needing me more often, and I know most recently you had a little fender bender and you’re with your car. So I also checked out your bank balance and we’ve only got enough money for you to live for about another two months. That’s it. So here’s our options. MMM. Number One, we can do you know, a we can sell your house so you have money to live on and you can move into assisted living, and that way you don’t have to pay all these, you know, utilities and all these things, and you’ll have the care you need and I will come and see you three days a week. HMM. Or you can choose to stay here. However, you’re not going to have them very much money to live on and you’ve got yourself security, but it looks like you’re probably your window is only going to be about eight months, because you’re going to have to have pay your property taxes and you don’t have that to do. And then you’re going to have to find a place, and I don’t necessarily know how you’re going to be able to do that, because you’re going to need to have money to move in. So what would you like to do? HMM. But it’s still giving her the option. It gave her the option to give her the option, and that’s the thing that I think is important, because now she perceives she she says and for her to see the facts herself to say, I’ve thought it through, but this is what our options. The Way I see what our options are. Susan, do you ever see that? Sometimes a parent just won’t be receptive. Absolutely know that they don’t. They don’t. I don’t like either option. And and I’m just going to stay put. You know, there are people who will help you, aren’t there? I mean we’ve talked about that with some you know, right senior place like pep are wonderful, Daphne, are we daphne? Who? And we talked, spoke about her, because sometimes, because of the relationships that are going on, sometimes it’s mistrust, sometimes it’s just whatever. Well, and you just use the word, it’s mistrust. One of the things that I talk about is always talking about communicating with respect, is also keeping your agreements. I cannot even believe how many seniors that I personally talked to in my work the said, you know, I’m not I’m not sure. I love my son or my daughter, but you know, I don’t know how reliable they are. You know because you know, I asked them. They said they were going to come last week and help me with my with a tour and they didn’t show up. Or they you know. And and so there’s this thing I think we all as adult children, we live like busy lives and yet our parents they sit alone and they look forward to that little, you know, that little intermission that they’re going to get to see you, and if that gets rescheduled or whatever, that contributes to mistrust. So I always say keep your agreements. If you say you’re going to go to see your parent on Saturday afternoon, make sure you make it it Saturday afternoon. Don’t postpone it to Sunday, because those are the things that establish that foundation of trust. And finally, it’s the fear of the unknown. It’s the senior that it when you’re telling them they need to move the sell their home and move into assisted living. If they’re starting to feel like they’re losing their faculties in any way, they’re going to hang on most to what’s most familiar. So those are some things to just think about over overall, to understand, you know, understand the fear that they feel of the unknown. Make It easy, make options easy. So that might mean, you know, taking them with you, going to lunch to a community maybe it’s it’s, you know, joining in and some of the events and going with your loved one to see that you know, this is not a scary thing and those are the kind of things that use a family member can support. Well, as we go on to the next point, Suzanne, and I think this is a critical point, because it’s a mindset that the the caregiver, the advocate needs to have, and that is you say you never parent your parent. Never, never, and this is almost directed towards other elder care providers. I have to say it breaks my heart when people talk about they write a book about parenting your parent or about the tables have turned. And how many times did people say that to me? Is An adult child. You know, this goes back to almost our earlier point, but it’s really about honoring the relationship and honor and what we say, respecting the chair. You know, in the corporate world you have a boss, you re you respect that chair, where you can like them or not like them, but guess what, they are the boss. Well, your parent is the same way. Well, they are, and and it is important that we we don’t parent our parents and we recognize the roles that are still there. And yet there is that that season of life that actually has to take place where you do have to make decisions for them. Because of maybe their mental faculties or that sort of thing. But yet there is that element of respect of knowing what, hopefully what their wishes are and what would be best for them exactly honor them. So that’s a good word, honor. Well, we’re going to touch base on the the final three principles with Suzanne Newman. She’s the author of the book the advocates heart and she’s also the host of answers for elders radio and Susanna. I’m enjoying our conversation and we’ll be back right after this
No post found!
Popular Articles About Answers for Elders
Originally published March 31, 2018