The Alzheimer’s Journey, Part 3 with Daphne Davis
Daphne Davis at Pinnacle Senior Placements talks about what to do as a family to support a loved one through this journey. In this segment, Daphne talks about spousal relationships, supporting the loved one who has dementia or Alzheimer’s as well as their spouse. At these times, your emotions will always rise above your logic, and it’s crucial to have an expert to consult with.
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*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.
The following podcast is provided by pinnacles senior placements LLC and answers for elders radio. And Welcome back everyone to answers for elders radio and we’re talking about the Alzheimer’s journey with families and we are here with our wonderful, Amazing Daphne Davis from Pinnacle senior placements. Daphne, we are on our believe it or not, we’ve already been talking for half an hour and we’re learning a lot here, so it’s great. Well, there’s so much to be talked about and I really like to focus a little bit on spousal relationships, when there’s husband and wife in the home and how does that look like, or what does that look like in terms of supporting the spouse who doesn’t have a disease process and supporting the other person? Sure, many times in this is kind of going to be down in gloomy, but many times the caregiver is the one who burns out first, and I see that all the time in the families that I work with and the heart and the compassion and the commitment that the spouse has to their other to their spouse, is so true and sincere real heartfelt, crushing for them to be able to make a decision. But these are the Times that you really need to have someone help you walk through this journey, because your emotions will always rise above your logic. Well then, I calling to you’re talking about spouses, talking about financial the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s dementia can be financially catastrophic. It can. Yeah, so there’s a lot of legal things that need to happen to you know, there’s special needs trust that can be put together. There’s things that attorneys can help so that you know that the spouse is taken care of and you know as the disease progresses. So there’s different types of legal framework that can be put into place and of course neither one of us are attorneys, but we know of ways so that you don’t lose your house, right, you don’t lose your that’s not going to happen. Yeah, you know that’s not going to happen. Even in the state of Washington and someone’s on Medicaid, you’re not going to lose your house. The spouse has the right a house and transportation and maintaining your quality of life. Right, but it’s a matter of having enough information, and not just from the you know, your friend down the street. Really get some professional information from people who know how to make this work. Now, I’m going to do a cautionary sentence here. Make sure that it’s someone who understands the reality of what care costs. So, yes, we want one of my highest values is that we want to be as fiscally responsible with a family’s of state as possible and maximize the buying power of their estate, because this can be very expensive. It’s but there are ways of everyone being helped. But I really want to focus on on that that spouse, the the husband and wife who have been very responsible with their finances. They have a little bit of a nest egg and not to immediately go to that place of securing it or hiding it. Now, this past week, just this pet, and this happens all the time to me, I had to help somebody who had chosen to talk to an elder law attorney and a financial planner, which is wise. Yeah, but they got too aggressive, in my opinion, in terms of being able to have liquid funds to pay for care for at least two to three years privately. Who now, when you say they was the attorney or the financial planner or yeah, okay, yeah, and so the family agreed, you know, to do this. Is made prudence sense and it’s legal and it’s, you know, what I should do. But please remember that you should keep at least two to three years of private pay funding available for long term care outside your home. It is a broken system that we have. I’m sorry it is and it’s not perfect, but we’re making what we have work and so we’ve we’ve figured out some ways that you don’t have to spend every last penny. That’s where the attorney and the financial planner comes in. But just make sure you have the ability to maintain the quality of life and the quality of care that you are deemed do. I mean this. This is not something that you should have to compromise on. Your quality of life should stay as high as possible, and so keeping some funding available for private pay will afford you options across the board. So that’s my little cautionary sentence that just says make sure they understand how much care costs and how it works. In getting to Medicaid. Typically, I’ll tell you everyone, if you’re looking, because we’re talking about dementia, very few places that will convert to Medicaid or accept Medicaid from day one. In memory care, there are some, but not a lot. Most memory care communities stay at a private pay level. Adult family homes also do memory care and they have a little bit of flexibility and from adult family home to adult family home, they change with their business model is and some will take Medicaid from day one and some will never take Medicaid. Most, though, will accept Medicaid between two to three years of private pay sub yeah. So, so you have a lot of flexibility and adult family homes in terms of financial and also in care, and it’s a matter of talking to a professional like myself that knows what is available you as a consumer. I promise you, I boldly say this, will never be able to find the needle in the haystack. Y’s just right for your loved one right without professional guidance. I want to remind everybody to that professional guidance doesn’t cost you, the consumer, anything. We’re paid by the marketing department of different communities. We work with our communities and in the care so we are like like a relator. Yeah, you’re like a realtor. Yep, very like a relator. Specialized relator. So just a little bit about the finances there. But when you get to that place of the spouse starting to be weary, this is something I hear all the time. Well, my mom said, you know, yesterday was a pretty good day and you know today she called me and she’s in tears and my it. It happens all the time because the disease is a roller coaster and I encourage you, the family that’s supporting your loved ones, listen to the pits and start writing down how many times you’re getting those phone calls and then assume that she’s only calling you for half the time and that she’s got a roller coaster during the day at you know, I’m as she’s a caregiver for her her spouse, for her husband. Those are the things that you, as a family member, really need to pay attention to, because that’s where the burnout comes from and that’s where we wait too long for the person with a disease to assimilate to a new community. There is such a gift in giving someone professional care that they need so that they feel accepted, not fearful, not afraid of making a social faux paw, so that that’s the gift of professional care and then the gift of being able to be a spouse and just love them not worry about all the mechanics of the day. He doesn’t want to get dressed today, do I let him stay in his pajamas all day? No, because we have to change to the depends. You know, he doesn’t want to shave for three days now. What am I doing wrong? You know, he’s been clean shaved all his life. Those are stressors, you know, and those are not things that a wife really in our medical technology, was prepared to be able to do. And so giving the gift of being able to just be a spouse, a wife, a husband, is just as much a gift as giving that person professional care. And that’s the respect factor that we talked about. Not only as an as son or daughter, but as a spouse. There’s a whole other dynamic there is. It’s so in certainly feeling on the loved one that is you know that has had the diagnosis, feeling of their fearful of their spouse that they’re not taking care of properly, because there’s that level. So, Daphne, you you know we have about five minutes left in this segment and I really first of all want to talk about how do you work with families to, you know, in the early stage. Has Been into the middle part, you know, when we’re starting to look at care options. You know, you sit down. We’ve talked a little bit about that, but they’re like a lot of options that you that you look at. What are some of them, besides the financial legal, in terms of me supporting them so I can help them in finding perhaps some day respite programs that might be a relief some in home care, and this is going to kind of sound funny, but a place where in home care is sometimes the most effective is having someone come at night. Yes, absolutely, specially for Alzheimer’s, to bunches so you can sleep. Yes, and it’s very common for wandering and things like that at night. Yeah, absolutely so, and people don’t think about that. So it’s kind of thinking outside the box. There might be organizations that you aren’t aware of in your community of supporting you, the caregiver. There are wonderful programs that some restaurants that focus for people that have dementia and are aware of how to language with them when they’re looking at the menu and their dog on it. I. I’m reading this menu and I know what I want, but really they need help making a decision. But they know how to uphold someone’s dignity. Those are things that I can turn you to. Depending upon where you live. There’s different, you know, programs in all areas and you can coach families on how to have the hard conversations. Yes, I think that is so. I think one of the biggest they’re they didn’t want to make mom or Dad Mad Adam, and so they do nothing because they get this push back. And yet, you know, like you said, you’ve made some great suggestions here and I think one of the things that by calling you to say, you know, I know we have to start having this conversations, but I don’t even know where to beget right, and that would mean a spouse too. I mean you don’t want to disrespect your husband or your wife. No, and so they’re in lies the you know the wonderful ways in which you can help. Be a coach, a counselor and education post YEP A, also tater, all of those things. I allow for sons and daughters who might not be on the same page to air that they’re not on the same page and we can walk through that together. I’m the neutral party that. That says social worker hat right. That just says everyone’s perspective comes from their childhood place and their own person I mean some some people will say there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t know why you’re making this all up. Yeah, and and the other you know, the other sister says, where have you been? You know, you come and spend twenty four hours here with mom and daddy and then you’ll see or the phenomena that anybody can pull it together for, you know, an hour, hour and a half and hide that they have dnscha. Absolutely. That happens all the time, all the time. So it’s that never ending desire to fit in. Hm. Wellgood, and you know we’re going to close out their hour and then that last segment next and so everyone, Daphne will be right back. The preceding podcast was provided by pinnacles senior placements LLC and answers for elders radio. To contact pinnacles senior placements, go to Pinnacle Senior Placementscom.
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Originally published September 15, 2019