Tips for Managing Caregiver Stress

*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.

The following podcast is provided by a theme Reforma and answers for elders radio and welcome back everyone. Two answers for elders radio network in this final segment of this four part segment. Hour and Amy Shank, you have been such a delight to have on the program today. Um, I could sit and talk to you for hours and hours and hours. So I think you and I have so much in common it’s it’s amazing and I am really um interested. Obviously came from a caregiver background. I took care of my mom the last six years of her life, Um, and, of course, immersed myself in this industry ever since she passed away in but Um, what I know is is I talked to families every day and I hear the anxiety, the stress. I’ve lived it. I remember the feeling of having the weight of the world on my shoulders. I remember why days standing in my kitchen, and I mean this is like to this day, I could feel this and I could feel the weight, and the one thing I would was saying to myself, as I’m all alone in this, you know, and yet to feel like you have the weight of the world and this person’s life in your hands. Literally, Um is overwhelming, and so I think it comes from that place of duty, of nobility, of Uh, you know, like you talked about the love. If love could cure this, we wouldn’t have jobs. The point of the matter being is there’s that that family caregiver that’s out here there that has been through and is going through that hard, hard time. And so Um. Anyway, Amy, I’m really glad we’re gonna talk about this segment because I think this is almost more important than treating the disease itself. It’s the one thing that’s ignored oftentimes, and so, amy, thank you for, you know, saying we need to talk about this. So we absolutely do, and that’s what I spent the last you know, I’m still doing it and I spent the last five years on my career doing it, and one of the things that is so exciting is there are new and exciting treatments coming down the like. We know that. I have great faith, as you do, that this disease is going to be impacted significantly in my lifetime and until then we have to focus on characters and all of the things you said, because it’s it’s very real to you, because you did it. One of the things I always think of is if you were still working and your employer has an employee assistance program, call the number. The other is that one of the things that I know happens in families. I happen to be an only child, so I knew that when my parents became ill, I would be the one managing their care, and so while that can be a full kind of like, I know I had the whole responsibility. I also at all the decisions and, as someone who likes to be in control, I was able to manage that well. My husband’s family, he’s one of eight children, so they’re we’ve yeah, we’ve got we’ve got both ends of the spectrum here. So I think the one thing that is said so often, and people are very hesitant to do this, is to reach out to other people. We all believe that we should be able to do this ourselves. We are, of course, we can handle it. We’re Superman, we’re superwoman, we can handle this alone, and I’m going to tell you right now you’re wrong. Everyone needs help on this journey. If you don’t get help, the consequences aren’t gonna be aren’t going to be positive, and Statistics back that up. So a couple of things to do. How many times do you have people who will say, you know, if you need me, just give me a call? Well, that’s nice. However, like you have a minute to call, so you may say right, I remember that. Killing your sense of humor is also one of my best approaches, because sometimes you’ll be in a situation that is just so ridiculous. If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry, and laughing is better. So if someone does say, oh, Suzanne, how can I help? What you want to do? And one of the first things you want to do is right down all of the things that you may need help with at home, not that you think you should need help with, but that you do need help with. So do you need help breaking the leaves? Do you need somebody to come in and change those light bulbs, because who thought having that the two story ceiling was a great idea? It’s beautiful, but I can’t change my light bulbs. Do you need somebody to pick a few things up at the grocery store? Do you need somebody to sit with your loved one for an hour so that you can get your haircut? Do you need someone? So think of all of the things that are now on your plate that never were before, because rules change. So whether it’s a spose partner, a child, grandchild, things change. So just keep a list. So pretend that a magic your fairy godmother is going to calm with her magic wand and she’s gonna make your list disappear. Make a list, because the other thing that I know is true is that people who want to help you will help you. We feel helpless too, I think if we’ve ever had a friend who’s done through this, we feel helpless too. So instead of saying Susanne, call me when you say what cannot you know if I can help, I could say, you know what would be great if we could talk every Wednesday at a thirty am because my husband’s going to be sleeping there and we can have a cup of coffee and I can have a normal conversation. You know, it’s so interesting you’re saying that, because I even wrote about this in my book. I had these amazing of girlfriends Um and I realized the thing that I was missing. It’s, you know, they would take me out to lunch every once in a while and I would whine and complain and you know, about my life. It’s so you know. But one of the things that I realized in my process is, you know, people say, you know, how can we help? Well, there isn’t anything to do really. It’s like it’s mom calling, it’s it’s having to, you know, pick up her laundry, it’s having to do all of these things that I had to do. But all of a sudden it dawned on me. I was laying in bed one morning and I thought, you know what, so I sent an email to all of my girlfriends and I said, you’ve all asked me if you can help, and this is what I need from you. I need joy, MHM. And I said, if you know me better than anybody else. So here’s the thing. I’m giving you carte blanche to say, you know, Susanne Needs Joy. How can I bring it? And and and that’s what they did. And they brought I mean they planned lunches, we went out on boat trips, we did. But here was the best part. The best part is my mother, even though she had advanced vascular dementia, she still knew how to push my buttons, how to you know, there were times that she would say something and I would go off. You know, I knew I would react, and so I learned to take care of myself and what I would do is I’d say, mom, I need to go take a walk, I’ll be back right I would go take a walk and I walked around the block and I would call a girlfriend and I would go on and on about how and we would laugh. When you were talking about that, I thought, you know, girlfriends or friends that we have, that we can laugh with, that we can have joy with, is everything, and I am so when you’re saying this, it’s like absolutely and and it is. And some people, you know what I think. Sometimes our male friends may like to do things. So do things, shovel the snow. You know that those are wonderful things, but you know, many times our women friends may not have blocked in our shoes. But I love, bring me joy, make me laugh is another thing I would call people. Just make me laugh, talk about anything, but Alzheimer’s, are basketl or dementia. Just tell me anything, and I think you know what you said. Is One of the things I want people to give themselves permission to do, which is, mom, I need a time out, because that’s what you needed. We need to put ourselves in time out, and there’s no shame in that. When you feel it. We all have that when you’re like, if I have to do go on the brank one more time screen, if I had to just walk around the block, walk around the block, get myself away from this situation, that will make us a huge difference. And I think a lot of times we get so wrapped up in the moment of that, you know, of the overwhelming task that we have in hand and the intensity between you and if if it’s a parent, I don’t care if they have advanced dementia, they still know how to push your buttons because that’s the neural program that you have between that parent and no matter what you say, you’ll still be their child. I mean this still knows it the changes. So No, understanding that piece is really, really vital in taking care of yourself and I think a lot of times people forget that. Well, and we we don’t. We don’t think we’re worth it or we have so much to do with mom or with husband or and those things are true. And I also say, you know what, there are things. Well, who is creating these high standards of perfection? We have to live up to, like who are the people who tells you who should what? We tell ourselves that we’ll stop it. It’s not allful and I think what you can do. We talked about the loneliness, and the loneliness is real. So having that connection. And many times families say to me, you don’t understand, maybe all of our friends abandoned us. We’re here in Florida, our kids are far away, they’re busy, we don’t want to bother them. All of those things are true, and I think support groups, and I just the term support groups sometimes, again, that has a negative connotation. So we call our group the Care River connection, which is truly what we wanted to be, a safe space to share ideas, to talk, to cry, to laugh, laughing is great, Um, and also to connect. So having that connection, and there’s some groups, like you say, that get together and anytime caregiving is mentioned they have to put a nickel in the jar, because it’s about escaping, it’s about talking about other things, it’s about getting your head out of this role, and that’s a good piece of it too, if that’s something you want to do. And I think that those the options to seek out community. Um, find community that have been where you’re where you’ve been. I know how many people I talked to all of the time, especially my classmates, and and you know that I went through because I went through it with my mom, and those things happen and certainly there’s a there’s a great, wonderful community out there. And Amy, I’m so glad you’ve been on the show with us today and I hope you’ll come back very soon. I would. I could, like I said, I could talk to you for hours and hours. I feel the same way. So thank you so much for having me. And now I have like a long distance girlfriend. So from Yes, absolutely, and I appreciate you having me. I think there are a lot of other topics we can talk about, because this isn’t one of those things that you can address in a few minutes. Be Kind to yourself. My advice to caregivers is that self care is not self indulgence. Yes, self care is, quite frankly, mission critical and don’t let anybody else tell you how you do yourself care. You will find your thing. What is the thing? And, Suzanne, it’s the bring me joy. Find something that can bring you joy, whatever that is for someone who offers to bring it joy and laughter. Canck cure everything? But they sure, they sure can. And for those of you that are interested in clinical breakthroughs and learning more about clinical trials with the theory Pharma, go to www dot lift ad trial. That’s lift a D trial. I know they always say a D and I always say add but lift a D trial dot com. And also, let’s take care of you and, most importantly, as we all say. Thank you so much, amy and to all of you. Um, thank you again for listening for this with us for this hour. Be Good to yourself. We it answers for elders. Thank you for listening. Did you know that you can discover were hundreds of podcasts in our library on senior care? So visit our website and discover our decision guides. That will help you also navigate decision making. Find US AT ANSWERS FOR ELDERS DOT COM.