You Are Not Alone, Part 2 with Daphne Davis

*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.

The following podcast is provided by pinnacles senior placements LLC and answers for elders radio and welcome back everyone. As we’re talking about, you were not alone on this journey. You are. You are in the company right now online with our wonderful Daphne Davis from pinnacles senior placements. And Daphne, we talked about the first sit in the first segment about, you know, just kind of the the the jargon. You know where we’re at with the community and I would like to go into this next segment talking a little bit about okay, so now if Daphne Davis comes in and works with a family, what does that mean? How does that work? Well, let that is my passion in life. First of all, I still love my job after twenty one years he doing it. And so when I get invited into someone’s home and invited to have the opportunity of building relationship and trust with you, it generally is just a conversation. We’re having a conversation of getting to know each other, and that’s to find out who are your parents as a loved as as human beings, your loved ones as human beings, what makes them tick? What makes them happy? What did they do in their life? What hobbies do they have? All of those things are really important and probably more important than they have congestive heart failure, they might be on oxygen, they take these kinds of medications. We’re dealing with diabetes. We figure out all of that as well. But I can do that on a piece of paper. I can read that from their chart. But I want to know who you are as a person. Go ahead and find do you find that a lot of times that the son or daughter or family members don’t really know the real story, but maybe the parent will be more, you know, protective of you know their health situations, what they’re doing, you know how they’re feeling during the day because they’re worried about, you know, the future, their feel, they’re feeling uncomfortable. And if you do find that, how do you deal with that at that’s a very true scenario that our MOMS and dad’s don’t want to, quote, be a burden. Our MOM’s and dad’s want to be, and I say this with total love, want to be fifty years old, still sometimes that I want to be a foll of these you know, I can do all of these things. I am independent, I don’t need your help and, more importantly, I don’t want to add to your your burden. You know you’ve got your own life going on. These are the kind of thoughts that that many times our parents have, and so when I come into the home or anyone from pinnacle senior placements, what I’m able to share is kind of a neutral ground owned all of a sudden the elephant in the room gets smaller, and that comes from building relationship, building trust and having someone who really does understand the nuances of moving into the next chapter of life. How do I uphold someone’s dignity? How do I uphold their purposefulness in this conversation where they may be feeling like this machine of mine is is failing me. I’m not real happy with this machine getting tired, in my body getting tired, but we need to move forward still for safety reasons, and so we gently walk through having a conversation. Again, this is not a drilling of, you know, fill in the blanks. That’s not how this is. This is about building a relationship and in that now we’re going to discover what kind of community and my eyes will always look for the long term. Everyone at Pinnacle senior placements held the highest value. Of this is the last move mom and dad do. That’s not always the case. There are situations. Everybody’s story is unique and we are not the decisionmakers, we are only the guide of giving information. So we do come with a set of values ourselves, but more importantly, are your values. Your values are the ones that matter. So we might discover in that conversation that that dad is really hesitant to give up uttering in his garage. You know, he may not really do anything, but that’s his man cave, that’s where he gets to just be in his own space. And so that time on TV room where, yeah, his private place where he can sit and have all of his sports memorabilia and maybe a beer keg. And you know, I mean know, happen right absolutely or you know, he’s still a fisherman in his mind. Can’t get out in the boat anymore. But how do we duplicate these things? How do we make sure that he holds onto who he is as a person? Absolutely the things that pinnacle can bring to to the plate, to the story, because we intimately know the communities of care. We are a company that are in the communities. We don’t just look at a sheet of paper and everybody lists off what they’re good at and what they have available in the building. We’re in the buildings and feeling the personality of the building. We’re knowing who lives there. What you know? What are the people like? Are they, you know, hard working people that are just, you know, Rubin two nickels together to make a dime and hopefully we’ll get through. Are they, you know, people who are, you know, professionals and, you know, travel the world? We don’t know. We don’t know who people are, but we want to find the right environment. Right again, the diabetes, the congestive heart failure, they are right as all of that. We all will run into that. But your story of who you are emotionally and what makes you unique. That’s the piece that we really need to find. Now you know, and I think each and every one of us who are listening today, we all have our own stories. Not only do we see our parents in our certain or, you know, our loved ones in a certain way, but sometimes we don’t necessarily understand the big picture of who they are either from an objective perspective. They you know, we’re likely not socializing with them, with friends we don’t necessarily maybe belong to the same you know organizations or social organizations or ethnic heritage type of organizations. So many times we may think we know our loved one, but we don’t necessarily know the right questions to ask to pull those out work is any bring up a you bring up a really good point, and that is because we come with our own perceptions, as you have said. Yeah, our own set of eyes, our own role in our family, and so sometimes my conversation, and I’m going to say more than sometimes, frequently my conversation has to go to the children, usually after that initial conversation that we’re hating with everyone, but to to gently suggest to the children that says, have you ever considered that your mom and dad might not have that value? Have you thought that maybe this is a higher value than you really actually exactly? Or you know what, I don’t think your mom really cares about doing her own laundry anymore. I thought I heard that she’s done with it. You know, it’s so interesting you’re saying that, because when I moved my mother into assisted living, this is like way back when, I thought I’m going to surprise her, I’m going to buy her new furniture, because that furniture that she’s been living with is kind of tattered and torn and I’m going to get her a new love seat and a nice new chair. She felt like she was living in a resort. She didn’t feel like she was home and I I I was pulling, like you know, she’s trying to be nice and she eventually adapted to it. But later on she told me, you know, I hated the fact that I couldn’t have my favorite chair, and I’m going like, I thought you’d be so excited. I didn’t realize that what I was actually doing was taking that home piece away from her. I just saw tattered chair and I was trying to do something good for her as her daughter. And so there’s a perfect disconnect between what’s most important to your loved one and what’s most important to me. Is your daughter was I was going to give her this fresh new slate. Well, she was eighty four years old at the time, eighty three. It’s like she wasn’t into a fresh new slate. She wanted comforts and familiarity and I just didn’t see it. I was at a different age. You bring up a really good point. That happens a lot, and not to get to psychological here, but you projected your desires exactly or wants on the someone else, and this actually that someone from pinnacle helps we constantly and it will ask at the very beginning, do I have your permission to bring us back on task? Do I have your permission to get us back on track, M and, so that we can get away from our own perceptions of what we think mom or dad might want, because we do get in our own head. I mean it’s normal to get in your own head. And so we stopped the process of projection. Yeah, and that’s where most families get hooked. It’s a it’s an art form to take yourself out of the equation and only think of your mom and Dad. Okay, like you said earlier, to ask the questions that are open ended questions, that were really listening to them and not ourselves. Yeah, so, as we go into this near our own filters are and our own contres. But that’s another it’s mom might say, Oh, I love I love my friends all really. Well, then maybe you need to be in this busy see community. Well, you may pick up. No, mom likes to be quiet. She’s not much. She loves her friends, but she’s not a big crowd person. I wouldn’t know how to discern that from my mother was a very sociable person, but I learned over time she did not do well in a large community. She did better when she had more of a twenty four hour care situation. And they’re in loves. You know was the difference? Yep, it’s. It is being able to step outside of yourself and hear the whole conversation right and I’m as I’m talking to our team here at Pinnacle senior placements, I frequently say be the Sherlock Holmes. Hear the words, but if you’re not sure what they mean, ask another question to get behind the words. It says we fall into patterns. We you know, your example is exactly spot on. Yes, she likes her friends, but she’s going to socialize in her eighth decade differently than her fourth. Digg exactly, and you is there’s a child. When she says I love socialization, you’re thinking, oh well, she needs all these activities and she needs to go places and she can take a bus here and there. That’s not the definition of somebody that’s in their eight decade. That is absolutely correct, not for everybody anyway. Right, right. So there’s a lot to to learn from a conversation with a trained listening ear. Yeah, I also when you ask for someone to come into your home and build that relationship. We also don’t have fifty, sixty years of history with someone. We have the gift of seeing what’s going on right now. MMM, and that is huge. That’s and there’s no hidden agenda at all. It’s just seeing the situation for what it is and and determining, you know, where are we and and really, you know, how can the family work together and specifically to get all on the same page to advocate for the wishes of your looked one? That that is perfect. It’s getting on the same page. And and I’m going to also offer going back to do you ever feel alone? You are not alone, but sometimes it takes an outside set of ice to see how your life can be improved. Let’s say you’re, you know, a espousal care giver. Let’s talk about how, how do I even think about having additional help in our home or outside of our home? Well, that’s perfect and we’re going to continue this conversation. Everyone. You are not alone with Daphne Davis and pinnacle senior placements. The preceding podcast was provided by pinnacles senior placements LLC and answers for elders radio. To contact pinnacles senior placements, go to Pinnacle Senior Placementscom