7 Meaningful Ways Grandparents Can Support Grandchildren During Divorce
I’d just turned eight years old when my parents finalized their divorce. After finding a photo of the mysterious coworker, my mom showed it to my sister and me and asked if we’d ever seen this woman. We hadn’t…yet.
But that would soon change.
When Dad left, my mom started sinking. She didn’t have the money or the education to support herself or us. Desperate and on the verge of bankruptcy, my mom agreed to marry our landlord’s son, a younger man who had an undisclosed rap sheet and a violent temper. At the small backyard wedding, Grandpa pulled my mom aside minutes before the ceremony and uttered only two words: “Come home.”
Where We Went from There
My mother went through with the wedding and whisked us away to the Sunshine State. The name couldn’t have been any more ill-fitting, because my time in Florida was anything but sunshine and rainbows. During those turbulent years, my mother, sister, and I weren’t the only ones struggling. My grandparents had stood by and watched, helpless and heartbroken, as their daughter’s family fell apart. On top of that pain, they lost my sister, mother, and me to a cross-country move. Moving nineteen hours away reduced our time together to only two annual visits: several days at Christmas and two weeks in the summer.
While my grandparents had a lot to complain about, they didn’t. Instead, they held themselves with dignity and self-control. Here are 7 additional ways that my grandparents supported my sister and me during our parents’ divorce.
They Never Showed Their Grief
Research has shown that grandchildren bring vitality and a sense of well-being into the lives of grandparents. In fact, it even lengthens their lifespans! When divorce shatters their happy bubble, grandparents feel the same anxiety and grief as their grandchildren over their feared loss of connection. My grandparents must’ve had strong feelings and opinions about my father’s abandonment, my mother’s hasty marital decision, my unhinged stepfather, and their two grieving granddaughters. I’m sure their hearts were every bit as broken as ours. However, they continued their role as ballasts of comfort and support—even from 1,000 miles away.
They Spoke Hope
Though 1,000 miles and several postal codes away, Grandma and Grandpa instilled in us hope and anticipation for our future. Not only did they speak positively of our new schools, but they also encouraged us to keep them updated through phone calls and letters. My mother sent pictures of us and our home, activities, and friends. Not to be outdone, my grandparents called us on weekends or evenings when long-distance rates were cheaper. They also gave my sister and me updates on the things we loved at their farm: details of birthday parties and holiday celebrations we had missed and the cousins and family members we left behind.
They Made Plans for the Future
From the onset of our move, my grandparents made it clear we would be visiting them often, and kept that promise. My grandparents were middle-class retirees, so there were no trips to theme parks or expensive destinations. Instead, we spent our vacation at their home on the beach or the lake. We spent our afternoons having picnics and our evenings playing games. When they left, they assured us that we would see them again at Christmas. These promises didn’t prevent tears, but they did give us hope and a sense of stability in a world that was ever-changing.
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They Maintained Routines When We Visited
Grandma and Grandpa excelled at making time with them special—and consistent. When we came back to New York for visits, we participated in all the routines that told our homesick hearts that some things in life hadn’t changed. Having a home away from home lessened some of the pain and loss my sister and I felt. Ice cream sundaes were still our evening treat. During church services on Sunday, familiar faces greeted us with hugs and kind words. Every night, my grandmother wound our old bedroom clock. Such familiarity and routine gave us a sanctuary that would carry us through many trying years that included many changes.
They Spoke Respectfully
It was never a secret that my grandparents were shaken over my parents’ divorce and displeased with my mother’s choice of a new husband. My father’s new wife was a cheater, and my stepfather was violent and unbalanced. Not once did I hear them utter an unkind word about my parents, their respective spouses, or their actions. As I grew up and realized my grandparents knew more about my childhood than it appeared, I was impressed and amazed. They were wise enough to choose to be Switzerland in a situation that, in many ways, was a war. The fact that they never spoke negatively to my sister and me is a testament to their amazing character and inerrable self-control.
They Behaved Respectfully
With the addition of many step-relatives in my life and my sister’s life, it was inevitable that these new family members would meet my grandparents. Instead of showing contempt, my grandparents showed them hospitality. Though my mother refused to be in the same room as my stepmother, my grandparents were cordial to her and her family while remaining loyal to my mother. Once, my grandmother had tea and cookies with my step-grandmother and discussed their shared interest in genealogy. My grandmother even took pictures of a step-cousin of whom my sister and I were incredibly fond. Because my grandparents were the hub of my and my sister’s universe, they made sure that that hub was neutral, safe, and welcoming to all.
They Kept Their Word
After five years, my mother’s second marriage ended. The news came as no surprise, but the fact that my mother lived through that marriage was. Our stepfather was abusive and violent. When he tried to torment my sister and me, Mom always intervened. This incited his violent tendencies all the more, but she never backed down. Most of what was going on eight states away was hidden from my grandparents. However, I’m positive that none of the abuse or turmoil escaped their notice. And their original offer was still on the table: my mother could come home at any time. After several years of failing to make it on her own, my mom finally took them up on the decade-old offer. Several years later, my sister followed suit.
Takeaway
The love of grandparents will never be as critically essential as a rancorous divorce. Like ripples in a pond, divorce has far-reaching consequences that affect the lives of every family member. Whether a marriage ends in mutual agreement or in hostility, the wisdom, support, strength, and love of grandparents can serve as a lifeline for their children and grandchildren. Grandparents’ love and support during this time can create positive outcomes that last a lifetime.
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Originally published May 16, 2025
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