10 Things Never to Say to Seniors About Memory Loss Concerns
The tricky topic of memory loss is a difficult one to broach. Sometimes, even the best of intentions come out wrong. We might not even realize this until later when we smack ourselves in the head and feel a sense of regret about something we’ve said. The truth is that memory changes are a sensitive topic for seniors, and the prevalence of Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia doesn’t help. The way we talk about and to our aging loved ones can either empower or discourage them. So, if you want to be supportive rather than dismissive, here are ten things you should never say to a senior when discussing memory loss—plus some helpful suggestions for what to say instead.
1. “Stop Repeating Yourself.”
Whether a senior doesn’t remember what they said, isn’t certain you heard them, or just wants to reiterate a point, repeating themself is a common tactic. Hearing the same thing over and over can feel frustrating, but consider things from their point of view. When a loved one points this out in such a direct way, it can easily lead them to feel self-conscious or even embarrassed. They might not realize they’re repeating themself, or they might be trying to make a point because they need to feel heard. Rather than pointing out repeated phrases, just go along with the conversation or respond more positively, as if it’s the first time you’re hearing it. If repetition becomes frequent, gently encouraging a visit with the doctor might be more helpful than calling them out.
Instead of saying, “Stop repeating yourself,” try this: “Oh yes, I think I recall you mentioning that. It must be very important. What can I do to help?”
2. “It’s Just Normal Aging.”
Certain things are part of the aging process for most people, like getting more grey hair or losing some muscle mass, but memory loss is not necessarily one of those things. Immediately jumping to memory deficits being age-related can feel dismissive from the senior’s point of view. Hearing this repeatedly can also make them feel hopeless, as if there’s nothing they can do to reverse course or stop memory loss from getting worse.
Instead of saying, “It’s just normal aging,” try this: “Everyone forgets things sometimes, but if you’re noticing changes that worry you, let’s look into it. There are lots of things that might help. I’m happy to help however I can.”
3. “You Don’t Remember?”
Feeling pressured to recall something that you simply cannot recall feels frustrating. It’s stress-inducing, and the pressure can even make it harder to remember. If a senior simply does not remember, pushing won’t help. Instead, provide context, encourage them to take a break from trying to remember, provide them with a visual cue, or gently move on. Moving forward, you can make things easier for them to remember by encouraging them to write it down, establish habits and routines, or set up visual reminders around the house that make remembering things easier.
Instead of saying, “You don’t remember?” try this: “It’s okay and not a big deal. Let’s take a break and come back to this later.”
4. “You Just Need to Do More Puzzles.”
Research shows that jigsaw puzzles have protective factors concerning cognitive aging. They have been shown to positively impact the regulation of distressing emotions and increase brain reserve. While encouraging your loved one to complete puzzles and engage in other mentally stimulating tasks is important, brain games alone aren’t a magic fix for memory loss. Therefore, this statement can come off as overly simplistic and even dismissive if the senior is in the early stages of dementia or more permanent cognitive decline.
Try being supportive without being dismissive by saying something like, “I love puzzles and spending time with you. Maybe we can work together on a puzzle—staying active and social is good for both of us.”
5. “It’s Nothing.”
If a senior brings up memory loss or any other health concerns, it likely means they’ve noticed a change. Their concerns warrant a dignified response. They deserve to be taken seriously. Simply dismissing their concerns as ‘nothing’ prevents them from being addressed at an earlier stage when there may be more options for treatments to slow the progression of any potential diagnosis or even the opportunity to find a cure. It can also cause your aging loved one to feel less confident in coming to you with future problems.
Instead of saying, “It’s nothing,” try this: “I hear you, and your concerns matter. Have you thought about talking to your doctor? I can make an appointment and even go with you if you’d like.”
6. “You Used To Be So Sharp.”
Our intelligence and memories are part of our identity, and when we feel like we’re losing them, it can change our view of who we are. For a senior, this can feel demoralizing and even make them feel like they’re losing their value to family, friends, and the world around them. Turning any current memory loss into a negative by implying that the person isn’t as smart or as sharp as they once were can make a senior feel sad, confused, and frustrated. Your aging loved one has so many strengths. Try to focus on those instead.
Instead of saying, “You used to be so sharp,” try this: “I love all your great stories about our family’s history and all the amazing experiences you’ve had—tell me more!” (saying this while looking at a family photo album, past newspaper clippings, or while engaging in a favorite hobby can be especially uplifting and impactful)
7. “You Keep Making Me Repeat Myself.”
A senior experiencing memory lapses might have a difficult time comprehending instructions or remembering what you’ve said. This can cause them to ask you to repeat yourself over and over again, which can feel frustrating. However, pointing out memory lapses can be hurtful and cause feelings of insecurity. Instead of highlighting the repetition, try to understand what’s causing it and develop a strategy for addressing it. Some questions to consider: Is a certain activity or feeling (pain, hunger, thirst) triggering this? Is the problem related to their hearing? Would visual cues help?
While you’re working to understand any underlying issues, repeat yourself calmly, and if you feel like it’s necessary, try saying something like, “Oh, no worries! Here’s what we talked about earlier.”
8. “You’re Paranoid.”
Seniors who recognize that they’re experiencing memory loss can feel anxious or uncertain. It’s important to avoid labeling them as paranoid or overreacting, as this can make them feel isolated. It’s also important to recognize extreme paranoia, things like seeing or hearing things, constantly feeling certain that people are talking behind their backs, or extreme and persistent agitation, which are often signs of a more serious medical concern. A doctor’s visit is likely in order if this is what your aging loved one is experiencing. No matter what, how you speak to them can help calm them, make them feel heard, and relieve some of the agitation and paranoia.
Reassure them with words like: “I hear you saying you feel worried and uncomfortable. Let’s keep an eye on things together and ask your doctor what he thinks.”
9. “There’s Nothing You Can Do About It.”
Nobody wants to feel uncomfortable or like their memory is slipping and hear that there’s nothing they can do about it. A statement like this, especially if it’s frequently repeated, can make your aging loved one feel hopeless, depressed, and like their quality of life is permanently diminishing. The reality is that there are many ways to support brain health, and even with a diagnosis like Alzheimer’s, there are treatments that can help to slow the progression of the disease and empower seniors to maintain their independence and memory for a longer time period.
Use positivity when discussing your aging loved one’s memory loss by saying things like, “You seem frustrated, but there are things we can do to support your memory. Let’s work together to create a plan for staying active and eating well. We can talk to your doctor and explore options together.”
10. “It’s So Frustrating When You Forget Things!”
As frustrating as it is when your aging loved one can’t remember something, try to remember that it’s likely twice as frustrating for them. Expressing your frustration won’t help them—it’s far more likely to make them feel guilty or ashamed. Instead, show patience and empathy. Offer assistance, support, and understanding.
Instead of saying, “It’s so frustrating when you forget things!” try this: “I’m here, and we all forget sometimes. It’s okay! Let me help you with that.”
Care, patience, empathy, and compassion go a long way toward helping your senior loved one feel supported when it comes to any concerns about memory loss. The words you choose always matter, so make every word count. While it’s human to slip up and feel frustrated, actively try to avoid words that make the senior feel dismissed or embarrassed. Offer them support and encouragement. Let them know that their voice matters, and empower them to take control of their cognitive health to whatever extent is possible. The key is to listen, validate their concerns, and offer help in a way that respects their dignity. Remember, we all want to feel heard and understood—age never changes that.
Photo Credits: Getty Images: Plan Shooting 2 / Imazins, SDI Productions | Shutterstock
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Originally published March 18, 2025
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