5 Biggest Mistakes Grandparents Make

Grandparents are the cornerstone of the family. They play a vital role in a child’s life. Look at the stats. Nearly 60 percent of grandparents are either providing child care for their grandchildren or have in the past. But, as Uncle Ben once told Peter Parker, with great power comes great responsibility. The greater the role a grandparent plays in a grandchild’s life, the greater the opportunity for problems to arise. Here are 5 of the biggest mistakes grandparents make.

Favoritism

A visit with her grandparents hurt my friend to the bone when her grandfather casually uttered words that shattered her: “We love you, but your sister is our special girl.” Her grandparents were the bedrock of her childhood, and she adored them. Her takeaway lesson from that painful situation was her determination to avoid favoritism at all costs when she became a parent and a grandparent.

Another friend of mine was greatly concerned when her mother-in-law declared that she could never love another grandchild like she loved her first. Unfortunately, additional grandchildren didn’t change her mind. Kids are smart. They notice when a sibling or cousin is showered with more affirmation, gifts, liberties, and affection. This is damaging and could be a cause for family conflict. In fact, the effects of childhood favoritism can last decades and span generations.

Overindulgence

The year my friend’s little boy turned two, his doting grandparents had a surprise gift to celebrate his toddlerhood. We were all enjoying a relaxing outdoor party when Grandma and Grandpa came around the corner of the house with a Hot Wheels battery-powered Jeep in tow. My friend’s face paled with concern. After her well-intentioned parents placed the two year old in the Jeep and showed him the gas pedal, the underage driver headed down a hill and straight toward their in-ground swimming pool. Fortunately, every adult sprang into action to prevent a tragedy.

At that moment, I felt sorry for my friend and her entire family. However, it’s a great lesson. The best of intentions can lead to stress and problems when it comes to gift-giving. Parents need to set clear parameters when it comes to the types of gifts and the amount of money spent on their children. Grandparents who want to bring joy to their grands can unwittingly bring frustration to their grown children. Communication and respect are key when it comes to gift-giving.

Carelessness 

Grandparents were raised in an era when cars were mile-long metal machines. Although the first infant car seats were produced in the 1930’s, they were more of a booster seat. The first car seat that was made for safety and was similar to the ones we use today didn’t come along until the late ’60s. Understandably, some grandparents are more cavalier about their use. But this isn’t the case for today’s parents.

In most states, children have to be eight years old and 57 inches tall before they can legally travel without a booster seat. To some grandparents, whose kids rode in the car lying on the back window ledge or in the bed of their pickup truck, modern car seats seem like overkill. Once, an acquaintance of mine was livid when they found out their toddler child went to get ice cream with their grandparents, with whom they didn’t leave a car seat. The situation ended up with an unpleasant parent-to-grandparent confrontation. Car seat carelessness has placed many a grandparent in time-out! 

A Lack of Involvement

When my thirty-eight-year-old mother learned that my sister was pregnant with her first grandchild, she didn’t exactly get out her knitting needles. As a matter of fact, my mom insisted that her grandkids call her by her birth name! Despite her initial reaction, she gradually adopted the title of “Gram.” In time, she also adopted a fondness for her grandchildren. When mine were born six years later, Mom had embraced being a grandmother. And, when my sister had a baby girl at 43, Mom fell in love with the later-in-life bundle of joy. In fact, she babysat every day until she passed away at 69. Her last conversation was about the light of her life—her granddaughter.

I’ve known friends whose parents never really got into grandparenting. Other friends experienced semi-involved grandparenting. Some grandparents were self-involved jet-setters. Others were still working at the age of retirement. A few had health issues and self-imposed issues. Whatever the reasons, a lack of involvement can be painful for adult children and confusing for grandchildren. If I could give one piece of advice, I’d tell grandparents to try their very best to be a part of their grandchildren’s life, no matter their situation. My mom learned that grandparenting fulfilled and blessed her senior years in a way she would never have dreamed of. 

Keeping Secrets

My friend has a serious concern about her parents’ aging dog. Sadly, in old age, it had developed a nasty biting habit and had already bitten two family members. When my friend’s sister came to visit, she didn’t take the dog’s habit seriously and convinced my friend that the kids would be safe staying all night at their parents’ house. That wasn’t the case. Two years passed, and my friend called me, tearful and angry. Her son, whose grandparents and aunt had sworn him to secrecy, finally confided in his mother. He told her that the dog had clamped her jaw over his face during that sleepover. Although he wasn’t hurt, he was scared. Infuriated, my friend confronted her parents. Though she forgave them, bonds of trust were forever broken. Secrets are never a form of good grandparenting. 

Additional Mistakes Grandparents Make

1. Disregarding disciplinary instructions
2. Breaking bedtime rules
3. Criticizing your children in front of your grandkids.
4. Giving unsolicited advice
5. Comparing grandchildren to one another
6. Making unfulfilled promises
7. Allowing too much TV or video game time
8. Overstepping boundaries
9. Forgetting naptime
10. Tolerating rude behavior