8 Ways to Be a Better Listener: Active Listening for Dementia Caregivers

The world may seem like a confusing fog for your loved one with dementia. Their words might jumble, memories slip away, and frustration can simmer. But there’s a powerful tool that can bridge the gap – your ability to truly listen.

Certified dementia practitioner Dr. Shawn Weiss recently sat down with Answers for Elders to share 8 ways to listen with your heart, not just your ears. Here’s everything you need to know about tapping into non-verbal cues and creating a deeper connection that transcends the challenges of dementia.

1 Actually listen. Don’t pretend to listen.

“When you walk in the room, and you’re addressing the person that you’re caring for, are you empathetic? Do you have an ear, or are you just waiting for them to stop talking? Are you pretending to listen? What you’ll find is when you have that empathy, understanding, and compassion, and actually listen to them, you’re gonna have much more success with them being compliant, maybe in the things you need them to do. Maybe you’re trying to get them ready for the day, or you have a doctor’s appointment to get to and they really don’t wanna do that, or they don’t wanna eat breakfast. Be able to listen to what they have to say.”

2. Get over the repetition.

Caring for someone with dementia often involves navigating repeated questions and conversations. As Dr. Shawn Weiss emphasizes, “You’re going to have to repeat it. They’re gonna ask you the same question 20 times, and you should answer it the same way without frustration.”

Here’s how Dr. Weiss’ advice translates into an actionable listening strategy:

• Accept Repetition as Necessary: Recognize that repetition helps your loved one feel secure and grounded.
• Control Your Emotions: Patience is key. Take a deep breath and maintain a calm demeanor.
• Validate Their Reality: Even if their questions seem illogical, acknowledge their feelings by saying, “I hear you,” or “That sounds frustrating.”
• Redirect Gently: If needed, gently steer the conversation in a positive direction by offering comfort or a change of activity.

3. Don’t interrupt.

“If you remember the love that’s there, and you have an empathetic ear, and you’re not interrupting what they’re saying, and you’re not finishing their sentences for them…it goes a long way.”

Dr. Weiss recommends practicing active listening to better connect with those you care for:

• Silence your inner voice: Resist the urge to interrupt or finish their sentences. Let them express themselves fully.
• Focus on understanding: Pay close attention to their words and emotions. Try to see things from their perspective.
• Acknowledge their feelings: Validate their emotions with simple phrases like “That sounds frustrating” or “I understand why you feel that way.”
• Be patient: Allow them ample time to gather their thoughts and respond.

Sometimes simply being heard can make a world of difference for someone with dementia.

4. Ask the right questions.

“You might think you know everything about them…But there’s going to be a lot of things that you can still learn from them. Their short-term memory is gone, [but] long-term memory typically is intact.”

Use your loved one’s long-term memories to build deeper connections, create a sense of purpose, and experience the joy of shared stories.

• Focus on long-term memories: Dementia may affect short-term recall, but long-term memories often remain strong.
• Ask open-ended questions: Instead of questions with yes/no answers, prompt them to share stories from their past. For example, “Tell me about your time in the military” or “What did you love to do when you were younger?”
• Actively listen: Be fully present and engaged as they share their stories.
• Connect with their passions: If they were a veteran, discuss military experiences. If they loved gardening, reminisce about their favorite flowers.

“You can tap into some of the long-term memory that they have, and you can have some wonderful conversations just by asking the right questions.”

5. Take inventory of your own weaknesses.

“Take inventory of yourself. I’ve learned over the last several years to be a better listener. I’m not just waiting for somebody to stop talking so I can get my point in.”

Dr. Weiss’ recommendations for becoming a more mindful listener:

• Self-reflection: Before interacting with your loved one, take a moment to center yourself. Acknowledge any worries or anxieties you might have.
• Focus on active listening: Don’t wait for them to finish talking to jump in with your thoughts.
• Validate their feelings: Acknowledge and show empathy for their emotions, even if you don’t fully understand them. A simple phrase like “That sounds frustrating” can go a long way.
• Practice patience: Give them time to gather their thoughts and respond.

By becoming more aware of your own mental state and actively focusing on your loved one’s experience, you can create a more supportive environment for open communication.

6. Practice listening.

“You’re gonna have people withdraw from you. They’re not gonna want to do the things you want to do. They’re not gonna wanna engage or participate in those things. So having a good ear. That takes practice. And care. But if you care, and you tap into the fact that you’re a caring person, I’m a believer that everybody’s good. Everybody’s got a good heart, and you really just need to stop and breathe. Sometimes it’s deep breaths because you’re hearing the story for the 50th time in three days.”

7. Resist the impulse to correct errors.

Prioritize connection over correction:

• Focus on the message: Pay attention to the underlying emotions and meaning behind their words, rather than factual accuracy.
• Offer emotional support: Acknowledge their feelings with a warm smile and empathetic listening.
• Avoid correcting mistakes: Resist the urge to point out errors in memory or date. In most cases, it’s more important to validate their feelings than correct minor details.
• Choose your battles: If safety is at risk or there’s a crucial need for clarity, provide gentle redirection. Otherwise, focus on building rapport.

8. Don’t let yourself get offended.

Practice emotional detachment when faced with inappropriate comments:

• Remember, it’s the disease, not the person: Dementia can cause loss of inhibition, leading to comments or behaviors that wouldn’t be typical.
• Focus on care, not offense: Don’t take their words personally. Your primary concern is their well-being and providing compassionate care.
• Redirect gently: If the comment is disruptive, calmly change the subject or offer a comforting touch.
• Seek support: Talking to other caregivers or a therapist can help you process difficult situations.

Hear More About the 8 Ways to Be a Better Listener Below!