Family Member’s Home or an Adult Home? Part 3, with Daphne Davis
Daphne Davis at Pinnacle Senior Placements explores the question of whether we should move mom or dad into our home, a very common question recently. This segment addresses some of the expenses involved in caring for someone in your home. Remember that they will need to feel productive and contributing. It helps to have a third party help with these conversations.
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*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.
The following podcast is provided by pinnacles senior placements LLC and answers for elders radio. And welcome back everyone to answer for alders radio. And we are here again with Wonderful Daphne Davis from channical senior placements. And you know, definitely, I know you’re like an information post. Extraordinary that our families can pretty much call you about any step they’re in, which is so important. And this hour we’re talking about should murmur dad move in with maybe an adult child? And there’s a lot of factors to consider and certainly we’re talking about those today. And Daphne, thank you so much for so much wisdom that you have regarded this topic, because it’s certainly something that comes up with me so often. For sure. Yeah, it’s a common conversation I have with, I would say at least fifty percent of our families. I mean some situations are critical, cares to high, etcetera. So it doesn’t work. But right now, during this covid time when we want to have access to visitation, something so simple as seeing our parents, it’s a real option for people to consider having their their loved one live with them in their home. One of the things that we need to consider about are the expenses of that and what, psychologically, will help your parents feel like they’re contributing you. It might be something that you’ve never thought about. All of us need to feel like we’re carrying our own weight and we’re purposeful, we’re contributing to our society, contributing to our family structure, and so we want to be. You’re not to take that away. So when you’re considering having a family member move into your home, remember their purposefulness also that they need to feel like they’re contributing financially, emotionally, that they’re productive, and so those are conversations that we should happen and I know sometimes they’re it’s a difficult conversation. I think it’s helpful to have a third party that you trust be involved in that conversation to kind of take the syndrome of the elephant in the room down to right. We ate that a little bit. I know many conversations that I have with family, it’s particularly with children. After a conversation with my dad was so open with you. Thank you for having that conversation about money, and so that’s something I hear a lot. So don’t worry about you not being effective in the conversation or will never get information from my mom and Dad. It does happen. Yeah, some of the things that you can consider is there are programs that you can get paid to be a caregiver. These are usually for people who have a limited estate and may can qualify for Medicaid. So that’s one thing that you can do through the state. Sometimes personal estate, and that’s happened in my dad’s family, but he has state of my grandparents paid for my aunt to be the caregiver, and so there’s situations that you can look at with your family to try and figure out how do we make this equitable. Again, this is where every family story is different. There’s also, and you know, talk to your tax advisor, but there are some tax deductions for being a caregiver or for being the primary person of financial responsibility for a local one or your parents, and so your tax advisor can help you with those kinds of things. It might be that the finances aren’t a big deal at all. You know, maybe you’re your house is paid for or your mortgage is just fine. This isn’t a big burden at all and and you can communicate that just say this is not a problem. I’m just thrilled to have your dad, you know, whatever it is. But at the same time, if he says no, no, no, your water bills going up, electricity, I’ve I’m spend the more money on keeping your heat hired. Let him pay you the hundred bucks a month or whatever you want. Those are okay things, because his dignity needs to be upheld. Right. There’s there’s also, you know, sometimes it might be a situation, and this is happening a lot, where the family caregivers are young enough that they still have children in the home or they’re having full time jobs, and so there are situations where, if the care is such that you have to be with them, you know all the time, with the your luck ones, that you might have to stop your job and maybe the family estate can make up for that loss of income. There’s lots of ways of having things work out financially. Yes, I also want to talk about this, though, in the financial picture. Sometimes we think having mom or dad come into my home is going to save them money and the actual outlay of dollars. You’re exactly right and depending upon the situation for your story, it may be the best way to do it financially. But if there is a situation where you’re having to have in home care supplement the financial accusing income care supplement the caregiving, you may be whittling away their estate in such a way that if they need twenty four our seven days a week outside the home care, that they don’t have enough money to do that right. And so that’s part of what penecal advisors can help you figure out. We’re not financial advisors, were not text people, we’re just real people who know the reality of the when the road meets the rubber. This is real and so we can have that conversation that says, you know, dad’s got Parkinson’s and he’s kind of midway in the process of body is a little bit cooperative, some signs of some mooly body dementia coming on. That’s when he probably look at outside of the home care right to maximize the buying power of your dollar. So lots of things go into this decision. Well, and I always look at just the practicality of not only do you have to think of the financial aspects of what we are today, but if you know, if dad progresses, let’s say, in you know, whatever it might be, heart disition or something like that, where you know he’ll need more care or a different types of circumstances. Can your home sustain that and is it good for him in in the long picture? And and you know, the more more you know care someone needs, the harder it is for them to adjust to a new environment. Wouldn’t you say that that’s something? Yes, yeah, it is, and this is, you know, brings up a little bit of a story, and I don’t mean to be tried about this, but you know is I had to choose between my mind going on my body failing me, which one W I want. Neither one are a good option. But you definitely have that aspect that comes into play in terms of how do you help the person meeting the care and have a quality life with as few interruptions in their life as possible? And if there’s cognition challenges a part of their care plan or part of their disease process, you really do need to look at that because it’s a gift to give someone the opportunity to adjust to a new environment when their mind can still process that adjustment. Right. Wait until someone can’t process it is really a disservice and because everything is more fearful. So again, I think what we’re getting to Susan today, and you know we have more things to talk about, but but we’re getting to is having a third person helping you walk through all this information. Obviously, I’m going to say, is invaluable. It’s like why we have not because I services are free to help you. And so at Pinnacle we ask these questions gently, we help walk through scenarios of maybe there’s differing opinions amongst the siblings about what should happen with mom and dad. Let us help have that conversation right, right, and and to think also just about the whole aspect of you know, how can you plan it out? I think a lot of times, you know, we are so reactive as species that, you know, human species. We Think, oh well, I can just moved in with me for now, for now, or this is going to happen, and then for now becomes a year from now and all of a sudden dad can’t do stairs anymore and you’re in a situation where bathrooms upstairs, you don’t have the proper bathing downstairs in the main living area. There’s all different types of you know considerations that have will have to go into that. When you I mean that. I think is where you can help guide families the most is to have that that long term idea of is this the right decision over the long term? Right part of that. Let’s talk about the psychology of that. So Dad has been with you and you know as mind is good, mom’s mind is good. They’re both there together and it’s a year later and now both of them have declined, with saying in terms of their foilities, and any one of the scenarios you painted has come to fruition. How would you feel if your loved one, your daughter, comes to you and says, mom, and I’m paraphrasing this because you wouldn’t say it, this is hard, but mom, I can’t give the care that you need anymore and we have to have you move. Just let that start in your heart for a minute. It is it’s like I I’m sorry, this is, you know, the love one. I’m sorry, my body’s not cooperating. I’m sorry that my you know, excuse me, but my bladders not holding your and like used to. Yeah, sorry actually, but but I’m human and now you’re going to put me out I mean, think about that, or I curiated so far that I have to go to some place to die now. Yeah, those things and and not everybody feels those things, but sometimes those emotions come up and that’s where we have to really think about your unique story. Is it better to go to the place, the adult family home, the assistant living from their house so they keep their dignity and don’t have to go through that feeling of less than some personalities? My Mom’s personality wouldn’t care less about that, and so she’s in my house. She I mean, she’s going to be just pragmatic. Bottom line, this is reality. Move On. Yes, so we have one more safe to think about. We have one more segment left. So before we go to their deathe, how to our families reach you? So the best way right now is to get more information at our website, which is Pinnacle Senior Placementscom, and that’s Pi Nna cel senior placements with an scom. Or you can reach us at eight hundred and fifty five, seven, thirty four, fifteen hundreds and everyone dath bay will be right back, right up to this. The preceding podcast was provided by pinnacles senior placements, LLC and answers for elders. Radio. To contact pinnacles senior placements, go to Pinnacle Senior Placementscom
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Originally published January 24, 2021