Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been.
Jimmy Buffet
An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. – Bob Hope
A woman on the phone to her friend: “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.”
The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.
You know you’re getting old when the rocking chair feels like a roller coaster.
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I had no idea you could yodel.
Older people shouldn’t eat healthy food. They need all the preservatives they can get.
What is grandpa’s bedtime?
One hour after falling asleep on his rocking chair.
My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had.
For some reason, she woke up bald and with a bad attitude.
One good thing about getting older and having a shorter memory:
I can hide my own Easter Eggs.
Why can’t you take pictures of old men with walking sticks?
You take pictures with cameras, not walking sticks!
What do you get when you freeze dentures?
Frostbite.
What are the three signs of old age?
- Being forgetful.
Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair?
So she could rock n roll.
How did grandma get grandpa to stop biting his nails?
She hid his dentures.
What did the old man say before he kicked the bucket?
“How far do you think I can kick the bucket?”
An old couple was sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, “I’ve just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”
He said, “I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid.”
How are stars like false teeth?
They both come out at night.
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.” – Billy Crystal
You know you are old when you’re told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.
You know you are old when the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling when your birthday candles are lit.
Do you want to know the secret to getting a smoking hot body at your age?
Cremation.
