29 Signs You Might Be Pushing Away Your Adult Children

Raising kids is not for the faint of heart. When they are young, you do your best to love them, protect them, and keep them out of trouble. In the blink of an eye, they have grown and are living their own lives. Sometimes they make choices you don’t agree with or do other things that make us shake our heads. You do your best, but sometimes it’s hard. Still, what do you do when your adult children start to withdraw from you? Are you wondering why the dynamic relationship has changed? You may be pushing them away without even realizing it. Here are some things that you may be doing that affect children negatively.

1. You don’t initiate frequently

They don’t call you very often, if at all. You go weeks if not months in between phone calls and when you do call; they don’t pick up. 

2. Elusive plans

It’s hard to make plans to do things with them. They are noncommittal or act like they don’t want to see you, however; they are usually quick to make plans with friends and other family members.

3. Keeping their lives to themselves

They are very vague when you ask them how they are or how things are going. You know hardly anything about their life because they don’t share anything with you.

4. Defensiveness

You get defensive when they ask you a question or make a comment about your life.

5. Reciprocity

Even though your kids do things for you, you never reciprocate or help them out. 

6. Negative labels

They refer to you as “the saint” or “the martyr” or some other negative label that describes your behavior. 

7. They can’t make their own mistakes

Instead of letting them make their own mistakes, you overprotect them, which robs them of the experience of learning valuable lessons. You have a hard time stepping back and letting them make their own mistakes, which is detrimental.

8. Unwanted comparison

You are always comparing them to someone else. You find yourself saying things like, why can’t you be like your cousin? She is a top lawyer in her firm and makes a very good living. Why can’t you be like your brother and run a successful business? This only breeds resentment. 

9. You are too quick to criticize

Always criticizing their choices or making harsh judgments about them. This will only make your child shut down, no matter what age. 

10. Choosing to focus on achievements over character

Instead of focusing on them as a person and their character, you pressure them about their grades, when they will get married, or climbing the corporate ladder. Instead, celebrate their determination to improve, even if it takes a while.

11. No respect for their privacy

You are always going through their things to find something or showing up unannounced. 

12. You are rarely genuine in your words

Not saying I love you or being encouraging is damaging to your children. Let them know you are proud of their efforts.

13. You never admit when you’re wrong

When you must always be right and don’t own up to your mistakes, it can infuriate your adult children.

14. You never apologize

Everyone makes mistakes, but you never apologize for anything you say or do. 

15. Dismissing their emotions

Everyone has emotions and gets upset over different things. That makes us unique. You often dismiss your child’s emotions as unimportant or silly depending on what the issue is, therefore minimizing their feelings and telling them they aren’t important.

16. Making promises you don’t keep

You make promises you don’t keep, from telling your daughter you’ll babysit over the weekend to telling your son you’ll be at his house on time for dinner. Still, you never do. 

17. Living your unfulfilled dreams through them

You don’t let your children carve out their own lives. You are constantly pressuring them into the “perfect” career, therefore stifling their passions and interests. Instead of seeing them as separate individuals, you are trying to live the dreams you didn’t fulfill through them.

18. You fight with your partner

If you are constantly fighting with your spouse or partner, no one wants to be around that. 

19. You fight with their partner

You don’t like the partner your child has chosen or is married to, so you are always picking a fight, criticizing, or causing some kind of family dysfunction. No one wants to be around that either.

20. Your priorities trump time together

You don’t prioritize them in your life. Instead of spending time with your children, you are spending time on your golf game with the guys or out on a shopping spree with the ladies. This can also include working excessive hours. 

21. You’re more interested in technology than spending time

Instead of spending time “in the moment,” you are busy scrolling your phone, checking your email, or texting friends.

22. Using guilt or bribing to get them to behave how you want

Since you are not happy with your children, you guilt trip them or bribe them into acting the way you want and doing the things you want them to do. 

23. You don’t help

If your kids ask for help, you make excuses or blatantly tell them that you won’t help them.

24. You play favorites

Parents should love all their children and not play favorites. Pitting them against each other is both damaging and demoralizing.

25. Giving unwanted advice

You may have lots of life experience, but your children don’t always want your advice. Sometimes all they need is a listening ear for them to vent or a hug for reassurance. 

26. Meddling

You involve yourself by voicing your opinion about your child’s partner, parenting choices, etc. when it isn’t asked for. Keep your opinions to yourself and let your child figure their life out for themselves.

27. You talk bad about your ex or current spouse

If you talk badly about your ex or spouse in front of your kids, regardless of whether you are divorced or married, it is wrong to do so. They should be allowed to form their own opinions about their ex or spouse. Let them form their own opinions about the other parent.

28. Bringing up old grudges and embarrassing childhood stories

Leave the past in the past. Bringing up old grudges and making fun of your kid for things they did as a kid is hurtful. It makes them feel you will never move past it or let it go.

29. You make your love conditional

You tell your children that you’ll only love them if… This is damaging at any age. Children need to know that they have your unconditional love regardless of their choices at any age. 

You Might Be Pushing Away Your Adult Children

Being a parent is hard. You try your best when they are young to help them grow into mature, functioning adults. Still, we all make mistakes. If you find yourself doing one or more of the things mentioned in this list, own it and try to change. It won’t happen overnight, but making an effort counts. Talk to your adult children and apologize for your behavior. They will appreciate your honesty. From there, strive to have an open, honest, respectful relationship with your child and work together to help you grow and improve. You will be glad you did.