End of Life Care, Part 3, with Daphne Davis
In this four-part show, Daphne Davis at Pinnacle Senior Placements talks about end of life care. In this segment, Daphne addresses first steps to take. In this segment, Daphne talks about the benefits of having a third party advisor to help.
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*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.
And Welcome back everyone to answers for alders radio. And again we are here talking about that difficult conversation that so many families need to have, but they don’t talk about it, and certainly we have the best person in the world to share with us how to do that and how to really help your loved one make that transition as they leave this, you know, this human existence into their afterlife, whatever that may be. And we are here with our wonderful Daphne Davis. Stephanie, welcome back and everyone. So we’ve talked. You’ve just been through this incredible story with your Motherin Law and Margaret and hearing your story with her. You know, I’m sure, for you being in the industry for twenty some years and me, you know you’re still learning things and there’s still new things that happen all the time and I know for you you kind of have a kind of evolved in that process as well. Tell us a little bit about, you know, when you started, you know coming into the picture as she was at the end of her life. Tell us a little bit about, you know, what happened and what you know what’s available out there if somebody is you know, at that transition. So one of the things that and this is probably a little bit more because of my professional eye, but when we made the decision is now we have to go see Margaret Right now. This is it. And we got on a plane and we went to see Margaret. My professional eyes saw a woman who was was suffering and it was my motivation to try and help the whole family figure out how to collectively not be suffering. Right, and it doesn’t have to be that way. I want everyone to hear no one has to suffer to those after of life, the end of life. No one has to suffer this way. I mean there are so many ways to help mitigate pain and suffering, anguish, uncertainty, fear, all of those things. And so hospice and Pallaton both you can have different services. Something you might think this is silly, but something is is effective as music therapy, massage therapy, pet therapy, chaplaincy. There are a host of a Roman therapy, a home of services that you can have. Now Margaret Personality was I don’t need any of that, and for already, by the way, outing human being she is. She’s an awesome woman. As their son said, she was quite a gal but she didn’t. She didn’t think any of those services needed to be happening. I will say as her daughter in law, I did jump in when she was at the hospice floor and I did start, you know, massaging her because they were so ten and as soon as I you know, appropriately beside them, she could relax a little bit. So sometimes you had to sneak it in with your loved ones. There are lots of services available. The main thing that they did not understand was how to manage her pain. She had physical pain because of her faults. She we got there Thursday Friday morning, sometime around eight to nine o’clock in the morning she fell again and we had just left her place like probably around five o’clock on Thursday. And so typically when you’re on hospice you don’t go to the hospital again, not tacked your hospice team and that doctor on the hospice team becomes your primary care doctor, say, but she went to to the hospital because we were thinking she had another break. Well, it was a chip, which is just as painful for myself. They didn’t understand, the family didn’t understand the different methodologies with medication that could still keep her alert and and cognitive and not over medicated, but give her some release, right and there was a miscommunication someplace that happened and I think that it’s primarily because we just didn’t know what questions to ask. The family members didn’t know what questions and so my role became like an end of life do Lah. And this is a service that many people don’t know about and it is relatively new. It is an organization of end of life do as as an international organization for that. You can certainly Google it and learn more about it, but it, as I have researched, and of life do as, it feels more like that son or daughter who can be objective. You know, maybe it’s the niece or nephew that’s not, you know, the son or daughter, but the niece or nephew that can come in and and kind of guide everyone without the emotional charge. And so that was the role that kind of happened. I will tell you my sister in law, Cathy, was so appreciative of me being there because she didn’t have any lucky they were to have you. Yeah, didn’t have anyone to ask the questions. The other thing that happens is when you are the primary family members. There is a natural relationship and the hospice doctor at the hospital. He and I were talking about this with Cathy. There’s a natural relationship. That happens with very familial relationships. Son’s, daughter’s spouses, the person and the little more removed the relationship, the conversation changes. Now Margaret stayed that the matriarch to her last cognitive breaths. Se was I love this woman. Yeah, she is, and she just would not let tapping know really what was happening. It’s hard, it was, and it’s the daughter. Mother, daughter say don’t want to burden your children. Yeah, you don’t want to go out of life, especially if she was is independent. Issue was to say, Oh, I had to burden my child. It’s like that. I don’t want to do the worst time in the world that they want to do that. So I totally get it. And that’s when that Dula comes in. That’s when the hospice nurse comes in, the hospice social worker, the chaplain see me. You know your pastor somebody who knows the options that are happening. That the hospice doctor can be wonderful. You know, we got to the place where it was appropriate for Margaret to be on a morphine drip. Ye, and so it really had progressed quickly. And my personal observation throughout twenty plus years of doing this is when people are given the permission to rest in their disease or to rest in the process of their life, and that next chapter being the end of life, when they’re given permission to just accept it right, thing’s changed very quickly. The human spirit is powerful, absolutely powerful. It hangs on for as long as it needs to get to see my favorite grand grand baby, whatever it is you they stayed here. But also, at the same time, there comes a time when it’s like mom, you can let go. Yeah, and it’s interesting you say that, because I was very single. I met my husband and we got engaged on Easter Sunday of two thousand and eleven, which was which was April twenty five, I think, or twenty four, April, twenty four of two thousand and eleven, and gotten the middle of the night and, you know, pounded on the door. They had a skill nursing where she was and they let us fan and I said we have big news and we woke her up and we told her, you know, we got engaged and her first words were thank God, I can die now, and then she’s then I go, oh, Lom, don’t say that we’re going to do a wedding, we’re going to do this and that everything. She passed away one month to the day after I got engaged. So you’re talking about the human spirit. Absolutely, she would staying alive because she didn’t want me to be alone. Yeah, those things happen all the time. So the message to the family’s board. Have somebody from the outside, have an end of Life Dula, haven an advisor with you. Yes, NAN on the social workers, leaning on the nurses. Yes, yes, you know, and tell them. Please be blunt with me, please cut to the chase. Don’t share your coad it right. I want to know. Our family is strong. You know, or our family doesn’t know anything about this. We’ve never gone through a depth yet. You know, be Creator, call a Duelah and have a Dula. Work with your family that can if you don’t have somebody that you feel you know, or if you’re the health care director of and you feel like you know. I just don’t have an in me to ask these questions or to advocate in a way that I need to. That’s what they’re there for and it’s a wonderful service that can help you and I, and you know I know a couple of Duelah’s in my background and stare honor and privilege to work with families and you will find it and it’s an incredible experience, for sure. Those are the appropriate words and and I know all of us at pinnacles senior placements feel that way when we’re involved in people’s lives on such an intimate level and a private level. For many families it is an honor and it is a privilege to help you. Yes, it really truly is, and I you know and I know that with with how pinnacle works with families, you can help bridge families to those resources. So that’s so let’s talk. We have about a minute and a half left. I would love to talk about like how does pinnacle fit into this picture? So, as I was going through my story with my Motherin Law, I realize that I’ve done this many times with other families and it’s the family who were able to say, Hey, something’s going on with my mom. Now. Remember, we help our families from beginning to end, literally when someone cannot be in their own home alone any longer and we help figure out what is the best options. But it’s family to have reached out or the divine phone calls that I’ve done that say, Oh, Daphne, your phone call is perfect for following up on my mom. This is what we’re going through now, and so pin that COO can help you get connected to, you know, many their many hospital services and, depending upon what your priorities are, again, pinnacle can vet and direct you to some options that might work for you. We have phone numbers. You would have to do that work. This is not the time that you want to be doing rich embedding. It might be something as simple as how do I do a zoom meeting? My siblings are all over the United States. That’s something that we were doing with Margaret very often the last three months. Well, I think too. You know, you’re going to find that maybe dad is perfectly independent but mom is flipping quickly. That’s something that you can professionally assess help them both get into a situation where they stay together, where they can be together and allow mom to transition and dad still has a support network around him. I have something that you can really be a key member. So how do we reach you? Will you reach me on the phone at eight hundred and fifty five, seven, three four, one, fifteen hundred and I encourage you to go our website, which is Pinnacle Senior Placementscom awesome and everyone. We have fifteen minutes left of this hour and Daphney is coming back and we’re going to talk more about this topic that after this
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Originally published February 28, 2021