Family Dynamics During the Holidays, with Daphne Davis

*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.

Welcome back to answers for elders radio, everyone, and I am here with Daphne Davis, the CEO and founder of Pinnacle Senior placements. Daphne, welcome back. Thank you so much. I always love having you on the show. It’s always a great amount of wisdom that comes through our conversations. And you know, we are now getting into the holiday season and one of the things I think that is really overwhelming for families at this time of year, especially if you have a loved one and care is the family coming together and you may have a sibling that hasn’t seen mom or dad or you for months. You’ve got, you know, grandchildren that are all involved in different things, people coming together. Tell me a little bit about you know, how panacle senior placements works with families at this time of year. Well, I’d like to set the stage just a little bit more. Yes, please. Even without the dynamics of our family members aging in place or having some cognition challenges, even without that, sometimes the holidays can be a little stressful for families. So let’s just expectations are all different. They are they’re all different, but I want to speak specifically to the element of conversation and a approaching the holiday season with everyone’s heart is in the same place. We all come to the tape, come to the season with the assumption that we all want the best for each other, that we all are coming from a place of good intentions, versus having what’s the hidden agenda here? What’s you know, Mary true, let that Go. If you can let that go, people are good people. Everyone’s good at heart and sometimes our situations cause us to look a little ugly, but that’s not where people’s hearts are. Well, and that’s the thing. I think that when you’re saying that it’s hard for a lot of families, sadly, and they may have had difficult relationships with a with a parent growing up. I know I did with my mom and are we had kind of a rocky start. But you know, you’re so right in the fact that you have to learn to work on yourself, to let that go. Yeah, and that’s and don’t ever question somebody’s intention. It’s right. You never know what where they’re coming from. People do the best they can with the resources that they have and well, if, if, in this holiday season, you approach gatherings with that kind of mindset, I think things can inherently go a little bit better. The second thing is is that to bring up is to think in terms, and let’s let’s assume in this scenario that they’re a little bit of cognition issues, memory issues or processing information issues, still loved one, and that there’s a primary caregiver that is with that on a daily basis. And you’re the person coming into the picture and wanting to celebrate an event, thanksgiving, Christmas, Sharnica, whatever it is that you’re wanting to do that, and you have preconceived ideas about what it used to be. The second thought, besides assuming that people are coming with good intentions, is to clear your slight of expectations we have. So it is huge and it’s very hard to do, but we have so many things that are tied up in traditions and this is the way we’ve done it every year. The event has always been and all day and and I have to make it this way. Yeah, and we have to do it that way and all of those things that pressures that you put on yourself you let alone on other people. And so when you have this, you know it used to be the eighthour event and you know we were doing our family traditions of whatever it was, and it ends with US singing, you know, Christmas carols, or we’re watching the football game and Thanksgiving or whatever it is. Try Hard to be able to, with grace and a whole lot of Lo let things evolve as they have to for everyone to be able to celebrate together as a family. Now, when I’m talking about specifically is things may not be a four hour or eight hour event anymore. It may be a two hour event. Yeah, and that’s probably about all mom or dad can can handle. Yeah, or they might walk into someone’s home and within twenty minutes or saying I want to go home, which can be heartbreaking. Like, but the grandkids are all here, the family’s all gotten together, mom, we just want to see you. But inside her she may be feeling so much anxiety and putting so much emotional and mental energy into being socially appropriate that she’s exhausted. Please, as family members, have grace, have forgiveness, have a position of love that says, you know what, this is the best mom can do today. H and not to push it right, not to push it, let it. Let it be okay. Now, what can happen? Sometimes is that family dynamics that someone says you think that mom or dad is, you know, further along in their dimension than they really are and you’re just not giving them enough credit. Wow, that’s a lot of youth sentences and a lot of acute accusations. Rather than doing that, it might be better. Do you think that mom could have another ten minutes of conversation? Maybe we should go for a walk? Does she need to have some alone time? Should I take her in to the family room and I can just have a one on one conversation with her? Go to that caregiver that says, who does know the seven walk? Go to the caregiver and say how can I extend my time with mom? What is going to work from MOM versus? Know we’re going to do it this way. Doesn’t work. It just says also, I think one of the things you’re talking about is when your buttons get pushed. It’s too when, any time somebody says you do this that immediately put somebody on the defensive and and trying to understand that, you know, to really be mindful of your communication. But also, if somebody hits you with that, you don’t have to hit the ping pong belt. That’s bad, you know, and so you know I’ve learned in in my way of things. It’s like, I just heard you say XYZ. Is that correct? Because that’s how it came across to me, because they may just have meant. Well, you always do it this way. Well, so what you’re telling me, what I heard, is that you know, you think that I’m close minded about that. Is that correct? Well, I just meant it like this. Oh, okay, while I get it. So, in other words, reframe it. That’s right. Redirect it. It goes back to my opening sentence. Assume the best yessing that people’s motivations are good, and even if they’re not, still assume it. Yes, it will diffuse the situation, because the goal of family gatherings at this time is to enjoy each other’s company, to get to spend some quality time together, maybe to reminisce. I want to bring that up. In terms of reminiscing. When you are gathering together as a family member, long term memory, of there are cognition issues going on, is usually more intact and try memory right and to having a picture album around and being able to walk down memory lane sometimes can really open up the doors and good conversation. So when you’re going to take the stress away for mom or dad that may be thinking, oh, granddaughter has a new boyfriend. What’s his name and why is he here right right, you know, you know that that needs to go to the wayside. Yes, because what I hear from families more often than not after someone has passed away, as I wish I knew the story of I saw the pictures but I never got the details of that picture. Very true. And so use your family time to be able to have those reminiscent things in the world of having an advisor involved in your life. If it’s the timing that you have an advisor come in before the holiday season, allow that person to help you walk through some of these things, that’s great. Is a relationship there. And I know that I’m talking about cognition issues today a little bit, but they are there. Are Front and foremost in our communities. They might are everybody knows somebody who has some comision, even if they’re not even cognition issues. There’s there’s just mobility factors, there’s there’s, you know, health factors, there’s all kinds of things that can wear energy level and family dynamics from fifty years ago that go on that you know mom didn’t treat me right as a child. So all of those things. So we are talking to Daphne Davis, who is a CEO and founder of pinnacles senior placements. Daffney, tell us about the areas that you guys serve. Well, we serve from Thurston county up to Scatchett County. I will say that we are very, very well versed in kings and the homish and Pierce County. We also go out on to the peninsula. We are here to serve the families. I will be the first to tell you if you give us a call and I know of somebody that’s better to help you in your situation, I will refer you to that person. We are an information post. We are here to help you through a journey that can be very scary and stressful and obviously during these holiday times families are going to get together and maybe talk about maybe they are going to see mom and dad and they might start to see some signs. And you know, one of the things I know that you are as it’s never too late to call you. I mean it’s too or not too early excuse me to call you. So obviously tell us a little bit about what families can expect when they call you. So when you call me initially on the phone call, I’ll just say hey, tell me the story that’s going on, what’s causing you to give me a call, giving the highlights of what’s happening, and from that point will decide if it’s timely to gather together collectively in one place, and particularly around the holiday times if people are traveling in, I highly, highly recommend carving out an hour of time for everybody to hear the same information at once. If your family is throughout the United States or even you’re busy over the holiday, say am busy, I am busy. I will also say there are a lot of families I talked to and we don’t actually execute any kind of change. sureance months or maybe a year. Yes, yes, it’s just being proactive instead of being reactive. Right now in our healthcare system we’re kind of forced to be a little bit reactive if accidents happen or fall or whatever, but there is a way to be more proactive. I do have some families that are actually doing that. Not Very many families to I said you one. Yeah, it is, and I think that’s important. Is Really and also, you know, given on that. One of the things that I love about your organization is, you know, I refer to a friend to you and I know she doesn’t do anything fast. I know this about her, yes, I and you know what I said to her. I said, you know what, you’re going to know the right time, when it’s time to move. UN till then, don’t worry about it. Nobody’s going to go into anywhere until you’re ready and and that’s that. I think the Nice thing about you, guys is that you’re there for the process. I am. I am the long term. That’s what pinnacle is about. It’s our conversations that we have internally are about. You know, these become our friends, these are the people that we know and that we you know, I it is the best thing for me when I get a phone call from somebody that I happen to help two or three years ago. What it happens all the time, and they call and say, you know what, now it’s a situation of so and so needs your help and I still have your business card. That’s the relationship that you should have with your advisories and so how do we reach you? You reach me at eight hundred and fifty five, seven thirty four. One thousand five hundred is our phone number. You can also reach us at Pinnacle Senior Placementscom Daphne of so glad you were on the show today. Thanks so much for having