Daphne Davis at Pinnacle Senior Placements talks about the biggest thing she’s been running into, which is people becoming paralyzed by their own fears, lack of knowledge or their perceptions of their responsibilities or expectations. As fearful as it is to deal with dignity and grace with issues of aging with our parents, people need to take action. When we get to this point where we think we should call somebody, but are in the thick of day-to-day life, we let the days slip by, then lay awake at night with worries about our loved ones.
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*The following is the output of transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors.
The following podcast is provided by pinnacles senior placements LLC and answers for elders radio. And Welcome back to answers for elders radio everyone. And we are here with one of our very, very favorite people in the world, Daphne Davis from pinnacles senior placements. And Daphnee, welcome back. Always a joy to be here. You know eat till this time and well, I am too, because you are always such a wonderful resource and it seems like, you know, ever since you started being a part of our regular expert team, it’s like things started moving. It like five hundred miles an hour for all of us, because you’re making such an amazing difference in the lives of families around greater puget sound and we’re so honored and blessed to have you on the show. So, you know, Ditto, Ditto, Ditto, because that is exactly why pen pinnacles senior placements even exist, is to help families. We are here just to help families. Yeah, and it gives me great joy every single solitary day when someone invites me into their home or into their story so that I can help them know what they don’t know exactly. And and the thing is, in this month that we’re helping to support family caregivers. It’s you know, you and I. You are a family caregiver right now with your mom. I was a family caregiver from my mom until she passed away, and nobody knows more the you know, the trials and tribulations, of more trials than tribulations, of what it’s like to be a family caregiverer. And it’s in this month as we’re talking about helping to support them. You know, I think you have such an amazing perspective because you’re dealing with family caregivers every single day or you that’s that is who I talked to and the the biggest thing that I’m running into right now, Suzanne, is that people are getting stopped in their own fear or their own lack of knowledge or their perceptions of what their responsibilities are, the perceptions of what expectations are on them, whether they’re placed on by themselves or by family members or siblings or whomever, or our culture. You know, I’m supposed to be doing guilt yes, and that is kind of breaking my heart right now because, as fearful as it is to ask the questions and deal with the elephant in the room of mom and dad are aging and some are aging with absolute dignity and grace and are doing okay, and then others need a little bit of extra help and some education and support to get through the aging process with dignity and grace. And that’s the place where I get probably strong word frustrated that people don’t reach out to us. And so today I’d really like to talk about when you get to the place of I know I should call somebody, I’ve been thinking about calling somebody, but why? Don’t even know who to call that? Or I have a card but I haven’t called them, or I know that I should be calling Daphne, or I should be calling you know, answers for elders, or go on their website or whatever it is, and you just don’t carve out the time to do it because you’re so in the thick of daily life. Very true. It just another day slip Byton. I think the other thing that happens is that there’s this element of maybe it’s not my business. You know, it’s like mom or dad are especially I find that with families that I work with, you know, with the father more so than the mother. Father, because father’s going to stay home and you’re going to have to carry me out of my house when I’m dead, kind of attitude. And so you don’t want to interfere with that. But then you lay awake at night worrying about if dad’s going to fall in the middle of the night. You bring up a really good point, because it’s that place of I want to honor my parents. My Dad has always been the patriarch or my mom’s the matriarch. Yeah, they’re always capable, clear thinker, can make decisions, but the piece that we don’t factor in many times, and I see this all the time, is that they’re getting tired and just as much as you don’t know how much you should ask or get involved, they don’t know how much they should say, I need help right and they oftentimes won’t admit to things that are going on. To use the daughter or the sun very often. But I think of the doors opened. Hmm, then you can have the conversation. Sure it’s opening the door, and who’s going to be the brave one to open the door? Who’s going to be the one that Ted steps out on that thin ice and says. Is it going to be safe or not safe? Is Dad going to push back? As mom going to get defensive? Am I going to offend them? Are, you know, my in left field as a as a daughter, and they’re feeling exactly the same thing. But though it sounds like I don’t want to bother them, they have a full life. I don’t even know how to approach the topic. I don’t know what to say. Yeah, I’m confused that I might, you know, hurt their feelings. I don’t know what kind of situation, if I say something, how it’s going to affect the rest of my family members. That’s right. There’s so there’s all these different aspects or dialogs that we go in our head. That’s exactly right. It also there’s another phenomena that happens that stops us is we’re so close to the forest we can’t see the trees big time. And so, you know, we we’re hitting on a lot of things here. The guilt, the responsibility, not having information, and now I don’t even see that there’s a problem. Right. And then you have somebody come into your home or casual way, somebody sees something in the grocery store that you know, oh they were a little wabbly without their their cart, and it’s not a big deal because they figured out how to make it happen. But it’s a risk factor big and the thing that this has to do with is how much energy do our loved ones put into surviving versus living? And it’s something that I found one of us, well, none of us think about it. It’s called stress and as we are in different decades of our life, are different phases of our life, that stress looks differently and when you are a senior the stress gets into regular daily life things that we do automatically in our S and S, making the Cup of coffee, remembering to brush our teeth, these are all things that stop us right. So we are talking again to our Wonderful Daphnie Davis from pinnacle senior placements, and Daphne, tell us a little bit about what you do specifically with families. So on this topic pinnacle senior placements, we are actually a resource and information post that can come into your home or have a phone conversation. To start with, that says, tell me your story, what’s going on, what is moving you to have the conversation, and then I can help you get to either the right people or I can help you with no charge at all. My consulting fees are zero, to help you figure out do I even need to be looking at in home care or out of the home, Long Term Care Housing? And so I help people find resources to fit their story right. So it might be something as simple as you know, my mom just needs a little extra help to get started in the morning. That sounds like in home care to me right. You Know My dad, he’s getting forgetful and he doesn’t have good safety judgment and he’s boy. He in his mind thinks he can do everything. Well, that might be a conversation that we have in person where we start massaging the idea of you don’t have to think about X, Y and Z, but rather wouldn’t it be more fun to talk about your hobbies or to have time to do things, and presented in a way that we’re not giving up anything, you’re just being wise family to ask for support and added guidance, and so I help with that added guidance and support. That is so valuable. And you know, when we’re coming back to the topic of today, you know the things that stop us. It’s like you know, just to pick up the phone and say, you know, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to approach it. Daphnely, I need help as a caregiver. Yep, please help me help my parents. And that’s really where you can be the greatest ally for somebody that is an adult child, a wife, yes, a husband that’s concerned about your wife, or a family member, any sort of family member. You know, that’s the thing that you know, I think we all oftentimes get very, very stuck in that, you know, in that world. Yep, we do, think absolutely. The other thing that we do is we borrow trouble. Yeah, we borrow fear, we borrow the unknown and let it grow in our heads. I encourage everyone that’s listening today please just call and ask the question that you’ve been stealing about. Yeah, what is this going to look like? So and so told me going to this kind of community is going to mean this. Well, maybe in the community that they have experience with, but my expertise and my team at Pinnacle senior placements is able to listen to your story, find out what are your highest values, what are the things that are on the wish list, and then we help you find the place to have the quality care that someone needs so they’re not in survival mode. The other thing is this goes right into be a daughter, be a son, not the care manager. Let your mom be your mom. Let her have a relationship with her daughter and not the care managers who says, mom, did you have enough water today? I brought some food over, you know, last week and it’s still in the refrigerator. What have you been eating? HMM, Oh, I’m doing just fine. You know daughter ABC well. You know that they’re not getting good nutrition or hydration, or maybe the medic cations are not as stable as as we want them to be. The bottom line is just ask questions. What us is what is so fearful. On the other side of asking questions might surprise you to be the most joyous thing that you could find. It’s there’s a lot of wisdom and asking for support and help. It’s not so smart to stay in your own little world and struggle and just survive, versus living well. And I think the thing is is oftentimes, because we get stopped, we wait way too long. Oh, and this way it happens is it’s actually more stress on your you and your parent. When it’s a crisis, yes, and you know we have to. When you’re when you’re thinking about this whole process of when you start to see signs, I think the big old flat, you know, big wave of denial, you know, the river of denial happens because you’re, like you said, you’re too close to the floor forest for the trees until something big happens. And to have a conversation with you, there’s absolutely no downside whatsoever, and to just learn. You know, maybe you meet with Daphanie as a you know, as an daughter first, you know, meet for coffee. Yeah, sit down and talk about you know, these are the things that are going on with mom or dad or my wife or my husband, and how do I get through that? You know, the first touch point doesn’t even have to involve the loved one. Exactly right. A lot of people will say to me, will daphitely, I feel like I just wasted your time. I said, oh my gosh, no, this isn’t this isn’t journey, this is life. This is not just a one time event. It will change, it will evolve and hopefully you’ve had conversations with me ors or someone that can stick in your head that goes. Oh right, this is happening, now, this is happening. I better make a decision, because if you wait too long, either the body can’t handle it or the mind can handle it. So, Daphne, how do we reach you? Well, the best way is eight hundred and fifty five, seven and thirty four, one thousand five hundred two, pinnacles senior placements and our website, which is fully functioning now and ran. I’m very excited about it, is that pinnacle senior placements with an scom definitely of so glad you were here. It’s always great to have you on the show today and thank you for being such a great resource for family caregiver. You’re so welcome. The preceding podcast was provided by pinnacles senior placements LLC and answers for elders radio. To contact pinnacles senior placements, go to Pinnacle Senior Placementscom.
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Originally published March 16, 2019